


Golden Boy

by ziam_paynes (asherly89)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Attempted Abortion, Derogatory Language, Intersex, Kid Niall, M/M, Mpreg, Pregnancy, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn, Teen Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-08 06:48:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 57,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1930788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asherly89/pseuds/ziam_paynes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn is perfect. Perfect hair, perfect smile, perfect everything...except he has a secret. One that only his family, a hand full of doctors, and his mother's best friend (and her son aka Zayn's friend since they were in nappies) know about. </p><p>But said friend does the unthinkable to Zayn, Zayn ends up with more than what he is ready for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **THIS STORY HAS A RAPE SCENE. IT WILL BE IN THIS CHAPTER. DO NOT READ IF IT WILL TRIGGER YOU.**

Zayn sits in his bed as he listens to his parents and their friends downstairs drinking and laughing about something. It’s late and they’ve been drinking for hours. He wishes he could sleep. School is the next day and falling asleep in class isn’t something Zayn does.

Zayn starts daydreaming about kissing. He loves kissing and he’s good at it. He’s kissed a lot of people, touched a lot of people, but never done anything more. He moves his hand down his thigh while he thinks about making out with someone. He wants more, but knows that he may never get more than a heavy make out session.

He thinks about making out in the field behind school. Pushed down onto the grass as the they kiss. His hand moves up his leg and travels to his crotch. He won’t come. It’s hard to get there, so instead he just touches himself.

Rolling onto his facing away from the door he touches that spot. The spot he rarely touches. It’s like a shock. Something that shouldn’t be so erotic, but it is.

“What are you doing?”

“Fuck!” Zayn looks over at the door and grabs his duvet.

“Oh, shit!” the voice says from the doorway. The light coming from hall is silhouetting whoever’s at the door.

The door closes as the figure comes into Zayn’s room and the light coming from the window shows the face of Lance, son of Zayn’s parent’s friends Mike and Lisa. Lance attends the local sixth form college. Actually he use to until he dropped out and now all he does is hang out in the town square with a bunch of punks that smoke all day. Lisa had told Zayn’s mum that he was arrested for spray painting a house over the summer.

Lance mum’s and Zayn’s mum have been friends since they were kids. Lance could be considered a “cousin” and one of Zayn’s best friends growing up since they spent a lot of time together. They’re only six months apart, but it’s always felt like years. He knows all of Zayn’s secrets, even _the_ secret. The one no one knows about. Which sadly made it possible for Lance to get Zayn to do stuff for him over the years since he had blackmail over him while Zayn didn’t have anything on him.

“Hey,” Lance says.

Zayn is actually shocked that Lance is talking to him. They haven’t seen each other since New Years and Lance was drunk. Lance had told Zayn to “fuck off.”

That was nine months ago.

Now Lance is standing over Zayn’s bed while Zayn blushes over the fact that someone’s caught him touches himself.

“What are you doing here?”

Lance shrugs, “Came to pick up my parents. They’re really drunk you know.”

Zayn nods.

“You were-”

“No!” Zayn yells cutting Lance off from asking about what he was doing before he was caught.

“Yes you were. I saw you,” Lance says. He’s quiet then asks, “Can you?”

“Yes!” Zayn says back, “of course I can.”

“Sorry...I didn’t mean anything by it,” Lance says, “just it’s a boy thing isn’t it?”

Zayn shrugs and mumbles, “I guess.”

“It’s nothing to ashamed of,” Lance sits on the edge of Zayn’s bed. Zayn tries to pull the duvet and sheet to cover himself more.

“I know.”

“No I meant the part you were touching-”

“How do you know? How long were you standing there?”

“Can I see?”

“No! Go away!” Zayn yells and tries to push Lance off his bed. Lance doesn’t move an inch.

“Never mine,” Lance laughs, “I just really want to. I mean I saw you touching it.”

They’re breathing is the only sound in the room.

“I won’t tell,” Lance says. He smiles.

“Go away,” Zayn mumbles.

“I’m just surprised. I had no idea you actually touched yourself.”

Zayn thinks about it, “Oh...yeah....sorry.”

“Do you want a beer? I have some in my bag.”

“Yeah.”

Lance takes two cans out of his bag and hands one to Zayn.

“Are you already if you drink and drive?” Zayn asks.

Lane turns to Zayn taking a sip of beer, “It’s just a beer. Nothing hard.”

Zayn sips at his beer. The taste is horrible, but he doesn’t want to make Lance mad at him for not drinking it, “So, um, what have you been to, like, I haven’t seen you in awhile.”

“I grew up,” Lance replies.

“So getting drunk, smoking, and spray painting a house is growing up?”

“Fuck you! What do you know,” Lance mutters. He shoves Zayn playfully, “You haven’t changed.”

Zayn smiles as he takes a sip from the can. The liquid wets chin and shirt, “Oops.”

Lance watches as Zayn wipes it away.

“Are you drunk?” Zayn asks.

“No,” Lance replies. He takes a long drink from his can finishing it. Then takes two more and drinks them quickly, “I’m just really thirsty.”

The empty cans make their way over to the nightstand. Zayn can feel his head start to swim from drinking so fast. Lance wiggles around and leans back against the wall, his legs end up on Zayn’s lap.

“You still going out with Melissa?” Zayn asks.

“We weren’t going out.”

“Oh...I know you did it with her so I thought-”

“No...it’s not properly sex unless you fancy the person.”

“You didn’t fancy her?”

Lance shrugs, “What about you?”

Zayn looks down, “No.”

“I heard you’ve gotten with a lot of people in your year.”

“When did you hear that?”

“Places...want to make sure you’re okay. You’re my little cousin, sure of.”

“No I’m not,” Zayn says, “I’m only six months younger.”

“Whatever...I know a lot of other people like you. At the college. Say you’re pretty or whatever.”

“Pretty?”

“Fit...whatever. I just know there’s other people who think you’re not.”

“Who’s telling you?” Zayn questions.

“People...fuck, I didn’t come here to be interrogated,” Lance replies.

“Sorry.”

“No I mean I get it. Can’t help it sometimes, right?”

Zayn doesn’t know how to reply, “Are you alright?”

“Just tried,” Lance replies, but he starts to cry.

Zayn’s eyes go big and he pulls Lance into his arms, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Lance buries his head into Zayn’s shoulder wetting his shirt with his tears.

“What’s wrong?” Zayn asks again. He moves so his holding Lance’s face in his eyes. Lance sniffs as they look at each other.

“Come on you can tell me,” Zayn says. He wipes the tears from Lance’s face.

Lance calm himself. He looks at Zayn, lips trembling. He moves quickly and they’re lips meet. Zayn’s stunned and doesn’t move. He feels Lance’s hand come up and tangle into his hair, holding him in place.

Zayn pulls back when his brain catches up, “Woah.”

Lance’s eyes are dark, almost black. They scare Zayn.

“W-what are you doing?”

“You’re supposed to like me,” Lance says.

“Like you? What are you talking about?” Zayn’s confused.

“You...you’re more girl than boy,” Lance says.

Zayn realizes now that he’s drunk. Lance is very very drunk and how he got to Zayn’s house without crashing is a miracle.

“When we were little I always thought...Zayn...please,” Lance whispers.

“You’re drunk,” Zayn states.

“I was just nervous because I was going to see you,” Lance replies. He leans in a his lips hit Zayn’s cheek this time.

“No...I’m not...I mean I don’t like you like that,” Zayn says.

“You don’t have to,” Lance replies.

“But...you...”

“I’m not gay if that’s what you’re thinking. I like girls, not boys. I like you.”

“I think you shouldn’t drive home. You don’t look okay.”

Lance takes his hands away and his eyes start to tear up again. He looks defeated.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn whispers softly.

Lance looks at him and then his hands are coming up around Zayn’s throat. The grip isn’t hard, but it’s still scary and Zayn is starting to panic. Lance’s eyes are wild, like he’s a predator and Zayn his prey.  
“I’m not a freak,” Lance growls, “Nothing’s wrong with me. You’re the one that has something wrong. You making me feel this way. You’ve always been that way. You, you cock tease! Freak! I’m not...not...”

“Gay?” Zayn asks.

“I’m not! Because you...you’re...” Lance trails off.

Lance tries to get out of his grip, but Lance doesn’t move. He pushes Zayn down on to bed. His arms go around Zayn’s waist holding onto him.

“You’ll like it, promise,” Lance whispers in his ear.

He gets up to make sure the door is still closed and no one is coming before taking his pants off and letting them fall to the floor. Zayn is stuck on his bed from shock. He doesn’t know what to do.

Lance comes back to the bed and pushes down onto Zayn.

“What are you doing? Stop!” Zayn yells.

“Shut up!,” Lance says, “You’re brother.”

Zayn looks towards the door. He remembers Niall, just next door. He can hear the sounds of FIFA and knows that Niall’s still awake playing on his Xbox. While Zayn was thinking about Niall Lance had gotten the duvet away from him leaving it between the wall and Zayn’s body. Next he pushes Zayn’s legs apart falling in between them.

“Fuck! What the fuck are you doing? Stop!” Zayn cries out.

Lance’s hand comes up to cover his mouth, “Shut up.” His other hand goes back around Zayn’s neck and shakes him hard.

Zayn’s head hits the pillow and his brain feels fuzzy. He hears Lance to tell him to shut up again.

Lance’s hands move away leaving Zayn laying there with his head fuzzy and his neck hurting. Luckily he’s able to breathe again and the air in his lungs feels good. He closes his eyes as the air goes through

When Zayn opens his eyes Lance’s dick is pointing at him. His hand moves and rubs against Zayn’s crotch roughly. He makes a notice trying to tell Lance it hurts.

“Is that your pussy?” Lance asks, “Fuck.”

“No! I mean stop! Please,” Zayn cries. He tries to push Lance off, but it’s fruitless.

“Shut up,” Lance says, “Don’t move.”

The first wave of shock leaves Zayn. He knows what coming. He thinks that it’s dream, that it isn’t real. This doesn’t happen to people like him. It happens to people in the back alley with someone they don’t know. It doesn’t happen to people that are in their home and know the person that’s doing it. He can’t believe that Lance, his mum’s best friends son, someone he’s known his whole life could be doing this.

Zayn can feel him. His leavy legs keeping him open, not letting him fight back. His legs are pressed further apart and it hurts. Lance isn’t letting up. He can’t stop him.

Lance presses in and it hurts. It’s painful the worst pain Zayn’s ever felt.

“Ow! Fuck. Stop! Get off me. Please!” Zayn cries, but Lance doesn’t stop. He presses him down further into the bed.

“I said shut up!” 

“No...no please. Lance. Stop!”

“I said shut up!” Lance says. He slaps Zayn across the face. It stings and leaves Zayn speechless.

Lance pushes in more and Zayn can feel himself ripping apart. It feels like fire, “Please, Lance, please stop,” Zayn cries. Tears building in his eyes.

“It’ll get better!” Lance hisses. He pushes in more.

Zayn hears laughter from downstairs. His parents and Lances’ parents laughing at something. The sound of a crowd cheering coming through the wall from Niall’s room. Lance grunts bringing Zayn make to what’s happening to him.

“Stop, please. It hurts...please stop. Please!” Zayn cries.

“Oi! Stop talking,” Lance grabs Zayn by the shoulders and shakes him again. His head almost hitting the headboard.

Zayn feels like an object being used and abused. Something that is plugged, pinned down, and useless. Lance holds him so they’re looking right at each other. His eyes are dark and cold looking into Zayn’s.

Lance moves his arms around Zayn pushing him down onto the bed again and pushing into him harder. He moves and kisses him. Zayn feels like he could throw up.

Zayn opens his mouth to try to make noise, but nothing comes out.

“Do you want your parents to hear you? Do you want them to come in here and see what you’re letting me do to you?” Lance asks. Zayn stares at him, “Do you?”

Zayn shuts his mouth.

“Do you want them to come in here and see your little he-she dick? That what you want?” Lance whispers in his ear, “I’m not gay. You’re not a guy. You’re...you’re nothing. You’re a freak. A-a he-she.”

Zayn’s whole world falls apart at that. He can’t talk, can’t hear, can’t do anything but let Lance take him like this.

Zayn sees his dick and it’s flaccid, just bouncing around as Lance pounds into him.

“Do you want them to see?” he hears Lance ask.

Zayn shakes his head. At least he can still do that.

“Of course you don’t. Nobody would want to see a freak like you...do they Zayn?”

Zayn’s eyes tear up, “No.”

Zayn and Lance have come to some understanding. Zayn isn’t to move while Lance pounds into him. Ripping him open and using him like an useless toy. Every so often their eyes meet and Lance pushes in harder making Zayn grunt in his discomfort.

“Tight,” Lance says as he pumps his hips, “Don’t get wet do you?”

“I don’t know,” Zayn replies without thinking.

“It’ll get better,” Lance says and pushes in harder. The pain amplifies. Zayn gasps. He feels sick, like he might throw up at any moment.

Lance is watching himself go in and out of Zayn and it’s gross. Zayn has to turn his head away. He can’t look at Lance or what’s happening. Lance picks up speed and soon he pauses before he let’s out a “fuck,” and he’s done. He falls onto Zayn staying inside him.

Lance’s hands up to touch his hair. He strokes it, feeling it between his fingers. Zayn knows his hair is soft has always been that way. He remembers when they were little and Lance would want to touch it all the time then giggle because it was so soft.

Zayn can’t look at him. Doesn’t want to feel him. He looks at the walls. Can barely make out the posters of Bob Marley, Manchester United, The Rolling Stones, and David Beckham. His DVDs are in a pile by his television and his Xbox has cases of games around it. The case for FIFA is open no CD in it.

When Lance gets off of him it feels like Zayn can breathe again. He feels Lance pull out and he feels used and empty. He can’t move as Lance gets dressed again. He watches him pull on his pants and shoes. Then he picks up his backpack and he’s by the door.

“Don’t tell anyone,” Lance says.

Zayn doesn’t reply.

He hears Lance and his parents say goodbye, then the front door opens and closes before the car starts up and speeds away.

Zayn lays in his bed motionless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is based off the book _Golden Boy_ by Abigail Tarttelin. It has multiple Points of View, but I didn't do that with this story. I suggest you read the book though because I loved it. I will be using information from the book in later chapters and will let you know accordingly. I am not plagiarizing the book in anyway, but am using it as reference to write this story.


	2. Chapter 2

Once Lance and his parents are gone Zayn’s parents go to bed. They don’t even check on him or Niall. Zayn lies there in the dark. Pain shooting through him. The whole world is grey, nothingness.

He finally moves to get pills out of the drawer, but there’s none there. He has to get up to go to the bathroom to get some. If not the pain will still be there and Zayn doesn’t want to feel anything right now. Putting on socks and sweater Zayn quietly moves through the house and to the bathroom. Pain shooting up in him as he walks. He has to be quiet so he doesn’t wake his parents.

Making it to the bathroom Zayn looks at himself in the mirror. It’s like looking at two different people. There’s Zayn, the perfect student, son, brother and there’s this Zayn. The broken, used one that doesn’t feel anything.

At almost sixteen his body is slim, but toned from football and the testosterone he took when he was thirteen. His chest is a nice size. Not too large, but not too small. Looks better than most boys his year that are still skinny and awkward growing into their bodies. His five foot nine, but with his hair up could be five foot eleven. His eyes are brown, but in certain lights look golden. His eyelashes long and make all the girls at school jealous.

He looks like a normal teenage boy. But he knows that’ll change once he doesn’t get facial hair, doesn’t have to shave his face. He’ll look the same while all his friends will change.

Zayn never really thought of things like that, but now here being two different Zayns he does. The old Zayn touches new Zayn’s hair. It’s fluffed from the pillow and tangled from Lance’s hand.

New Zayn reaches for the medicine cabinet and gets out the ibuprofen taking two and swallowing them dry before moving slowly back to his room.

The next task is to change the sheets. Their stained with blood. Zayn doesn’t want to think about it. He gets the new sheets from the hall closet and puts the old ones in the bottom drawer of his dresser to hide them from his mum. He’ll need to throw them out at some point, but for now they’ll live in the drawer.

Once his bed’s made Zayn gets back in and stares at the ceiling the rest of the night. Only falling asleep when the first light starts to come through his window.

* * *

The next morning when his alarm goes off Zayn groans and rolls out of bed. For a moment he forgets what happened. What Lance did to him, but then it all comes rushing back. He can’t let his family know what’s happened. He has to act normal.

Normal.

What a word. Normal. Zayn’s never been normal. He’s always pretended to be normal and now...now that’s never going to happen.

Getting up from bed he makes his way to the closet to get out his uniform for school. White button down, navy with green striped tie, navy slacks, and matching blazer. He puts it on without issue and makes his way downstairs.

His mum is making toast while his dad is no where to be seen. Probably already at work at city hall where he’s a local councilor. Niall is seated at the table munching on a piece of toast with butter around his face.

“Morning Zayn,” his mum,Tricia, greets.

“Hi mum,” Zayn says back kissing her on the cheek.

“Toast?”

“I should get to the bus. Don’t want to be late.”

“At least take some for the walk there.”

Zayn sighs and takes a piece of dry toast taking a bite, “Happy?”

Tricia shakes her head, “Don’t talk with your mouth full, honey.”

“See you later,” Zayn says and moves to the front door to grab his bag.

On the way to the bus stop Zayn thinks about what he has to do now. He knows from sex ed class that STDs are a thing and to go get checked. Babies are possible, but that shouldn’t be an issue to him. He’ll have to go to the doctors’ surgery after school to get checked. He went with Louis once when he had to get a STD test. The test is confidential if you’re under sixteen...well it is confidential at any age, so he doesn’t have to worry that they’ll call his home and tell his parents.

When the bus arrives Zayn gets on and sits by himself in the back. The rattling of it jars him and makes his groin hurt. The pain from last night still there and shooting up to his tummy. It feels like a bad tummy ache and he wishes he took something before he left.

When he gets off the bus he sees the school gates. Open, waiting for him to just leave. He walks to them. Can taste the freedom, the safety but-

“Zayn Malik!”

The voice carries to him when he’s almost all the way to the gate. The head teacher is calling him back.

Looking down at his shoes he sighs. He’s so close. He can just leave school.

“Zayn Malik! Are you running out on us? You’re not leaving school grounds are you?”

“No.”

“So you’re just taking a walk around the car park then? You’re going to be late to registration.”

“Oh.”

“Registration is at eight forty- five.”

“I know.”

“So then you’re going then, aren’t you?”

He doesn’t reply. Zayn walks past her and to the school building. His next chance at freedom is at 10:15 after English. He’ll have to be sneakier to get pass the head teacher again. She’ll be on the lookout for him.

The morning goes by in a fog. He doesn’t pay attention in assembly or in English class. He gets an essay draft back with forty six out of forty seven points. Louis calls him a dick for it.

During class instead of listening to the teacher drone on about the book their reading, _Wuthering Heights_ , he thinks about what happened last night. Being split open and used. Lance pushing into him, hurting him without a care. He thinks about scarring. Thinks about contraception, condoms, and pills. Lance coming inside him. How he could’ve fought more. He could’ve tried harder to get Lance to not hurt him.

When the bell rings for break he tries to get away from Louis, but can’t. The flow of the crowd in the halls push him forward to his next class. he sits through it replaying over and over in his head what he could’ve done to stop Lance.

Lunch is his next chance to get out. He says he’s not feeling well and doesn’t go to lunch with Louis and Harry. Instead he makes a break for it. Goes over the wooden gate behind the school field. Thankfully he took his bag with him, so he won’t have to come back to school after the doctor.

The doctors’ surgery is set back from the main shops in town. It’s behind the church, which is the center of town.

Making it to the church and walking down the path Zayn stops under the tree and looks at the doctors’ surgery. It’s ugly salmon colour. Windows are dirty and plastic. The waiting room in the front with floor to ceiling windows.

Zayn stays under the tree looking at the waiting room. There’s a lot of people in waiting. Too many people. Eyes that will see him and know. The receptionist is at the far end sitting behind her desk. There’s no privacy so everyone can hear what you’re there for.

Outside is nicer. No people there to stare at him.

Zayn stares a few minutes later then convinces himself to go in.


	3. Chapter 3

Before Zayn could even start walking someone says hello to him.

“Hi...Zayn Malik right?” the boy asks. His bike is against the tree he’s standing under looking at Zayn.

Zayn nods, “Yeah...uh, Liam, isn’t?”

“How’d you know my name?”

“We were in statistics to together last year.”

Liam laughs, “Right...right. Wow I forgotten that. How’d you do on your GCSE? I failed. Got drunk the night before, so I’m retaking it this year.”

“Um, good,” Zayn replies confused, “So how are you?”

“Great. Just hanging out. What are you doing here?”

Zayn looks to the surgery.

Liam gets it. You don’t stand outside the surgery without going in because it’s nice outside, “You did someone with a condom?”

Zayn goes red and his mouth up and closes.

“Listen it’s okay. We all do it once or twice...are you going to be okay?”

Zayn nods, “Yeah I think I am. What are you doing out?”

Liam shrugs, “Bit of a runny tummy this morning. Begged my mum to let me stay home. She said okay.”

“Oh...well I better go. Put you feel better. Uh, keep writing if you’re going to bunk off. I liked your poem in assembly year. The one about your ex boyfriend.”

Liam smiles, “You remember that?”

“Course,”

“Too bad I got cut off before the end.”

Zayn shrugs, “Yeah...censorship and all that.”

“I’m writing right now.”

“Cool...uh I’ll leave you to it.”

“Yeah okay...oh do you want to go get something to eat?”

“I can’t.”

“After you’re done?”

“I really can’t. Sorry.”

Liam shrugs, “Suit yourself.”

Zayn gives him an awkward wave, “I’ll see you around.”

“See you later,” Liam says. He gets on his bike and rides off. Zayn watches him making sure he’s really gone before he finally takes a step to the surgery.

* * *

When Zayn walks into the office he sees that the reception is busy. There’s people all around it while the ladies try to help him. He sees a doctor, thankfully, and goes up to her.

“I need help,” Zayn says to the woman. Dr. Verma says her name tag.

“Do you have an appointment? What’s your name?”

“Zayn...Zayn Malik.”

“Are you one of my patients?”

“The receptionist says I am.”

“Is it urgent? Will it be quick?” Dr. Verma asks.

“Yes, please,” Zayn says.

Dr. Verma looks out at the waiting room one last time, “Fine. Come with me. Quickly.”

Zayn follows after the doctor.

“Hold my calls, okay? I need Zayn Malik’s file.” Dr. Verma says to the receptionist.

She and Zayn walk away from the reception desk and to a free exam room. She shuts the door behind them, but before they can start talking there’s knock.

“I’ll get that,” the doctor says and moves to the door, “No...Malik. M-a-l-i-k.”

She rolls her eyes back at him. Zayn gives her a weak smile, “Yes that’s it. Thank you.”

The door closes behind her and she smiles again at Zayn. She sits on the stool in front of Zayn who’s taken a seat on the exam table.

“Now that, that’s sorted what can I help you with?”

“Is this confidential?”

“Yes of course.”

Zayn wipes his hands on his pants. He clears his throat, “Um, okay...I-I need the morning after pill.”

“May I ask why?” Dr. Verma asks back.

Zayn doesn’t reply. He shifts on the bed making the paper under him crinkle.

“Is it for a girl? If so she’ll have to come in.”

“No,” Zayn shakes his head, “No, it’s for, uh, for me...um probably should read my file.”

Dr. Verma looks down at the file in hand. It reads _Zayn Malik, DOB 12 January 1993_. She doesn’t open the file, “Can you tell me what is relevant?”

Zayn clears his throat, “I’m intersex.”

“Uh huh.”

“Hermaphrodite,” Zayn clarifies.

“I get it. I haven’t seen you before have I? You know the clinic runs Tuesday and Thur-”

Zayn interrupts her, “I’ve been to specialists. Still go. Um, I haven’t like, see you about anything before. I came here once when I had the flu, but you weren’t here. I saw a nurse.”

“Do you want to see your specialist now?” 

“I can’t drive...They’re in London.”

Dr. Verma nods, “I can arrange for you to take a train. I can get someone to take you to the train station.”

“No! I mean...no it’s okay. They’ll ask a lot of questions and stuff.”

“I understand.”

“Can’t I just talk to you? Get you to help me?”

“Of course you can. I deal with a lot of conditions. But I have to warn you I don’t know much about intersexuality.”

“Have you had any? Patients I mean.”

“Yes. I have worked with a few cases that dealt with gential varitaions while I was in training. But you can talk about anything you want. I just want you to understand that I might not know how to advise you so we can look to the specialists. Only with your permission.”

Zayn nods, “Okay.”

“Let me just look at your file and I can see what I’m looking for.”

“Okay,” Zayn says again. He clears this throat nervously.

Dr. Verma starts reading through his file. It’s think with papers from his specialists reports. The cardboard filer is almost too small to hold all of it. She looks through it and makes a face, which Zayn knows much be from seeing the photos they took of him between his legs documenting his gentials.

The doctor clears her throat, “Zayn are you sure you need the pill?”

Zayn bites his lip.

“You don’t have to be afraid to answer. Did your specialists say you’re fertile?”

Zayn shrugs, “A slim chance.”

“Do you get periods?”

“Not often.”

“The file mentions you have a uterus. You didn’t get it removed?”

Zayn shrugs, “Didn’t think it would that big of a deal.”

“Are you using any form of contraception?”

“No.”

“Just condoms?”

“No,” Zayn embarrassing whispers.

“Do the specialists know you’re sexually active?”

“N-no.”

“They don’t ask you about it?”

“I haven’t gone to see them in ages. Last time I went I wasn’t. They only talk to my mum, not to me.”

“The last time there’s notes in your file is two years ago. Is that the last time we saw them?”

Zayn shrugs, “I guess.”

“Okay.”

“I’m not fertile...in the guy way,” Zayn blurts.

“Okay,” Dr. Verma says back confused.

“I didn’t...like...didn’t do it to myself!”

“You mean self fertilize? No, Zayn, that’s not what I was saying.”

“Oh...sorry. You can’t be both can you?”

“Both what? Fertile? I don’t know. I’ve never heard someone being both before at least not in humans.”

Zayn sighs.

“Are you okay Zayn? I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable with all the questions.”

“I just need the pill!” Zayn yells, “I just need one. Please.”

“I’ll get you one. Don’t worry.”

“And the other stuff...the one that doesn’t make you get an STD?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know isn’t there a pill or something that helps you not get one?”

“You mean HIV prevention?”

“Yes that,” Zayn replies. He looks almost wild wanting to know about meds.

“Do you think you might have been exposed to HIV?”

Zayn shrugs, “I don’t know. Maybe not.”

“We only have medication to help prevent HIV. Not the other STDs.”

“Oh.”

“Would you like the other meds though?”

“No it’s okay,” Zayn says in defeat.

“Okay. Let me get you the morning after pill then,” Dr. Verma stands up from the stool she was sitting on.

Zayn looks at her and she gives him a small smile in reassurance before leaving the room.

When Dr. Verma comes back she closes the door behind her again, “I have to ask you a few questions before I give you the pill.”

“Okay,” Zayn says. He sniffs.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to cry.”

Zayn wipes at his eyes, “Sorry. It’s just...I hate it!”

The doctor is taken aback, “Hate what? Being intersex?”

“Yes!,” Zayn says and more tears come down his face, “We don’t talk about it home. It’s like nothing’s wrong. My parents go about like it’s just okay to be this way. Like I just have to accept it.”

“Why haven’t you talked to your doctors about this? There’s operations you can get.”

“I don’t know. That’s the whole point. They don’t talk to me. Only my mum or dad. Never me. They gave me hormone injections and pills a few years ago without even asking me about it.”

“Maybe we should talk to your parents if this is making you too upset. Do you want me to call them?”

“No! Please they can’t know about this!” Zayn yells grabbing her arm.

“Okay, it’s okay,” Dr. Verma says and gently pries Zayn’s hands off of her arm.

“You’re not going to call, are you?”

“Not unless you want me to.”

“Yeah...no please don’t.”

“I won’t. Now if you can read this with me,” she holds up the package of morning after pills, “There’s a list of side effects, so I need you sign that you understand. Did the unprotected sex happen in the last seventy two hours?”

Zayn nods to her without looking up from the paper in front of him, “Can I have the pills now?”

“Zayn...I don’t mean to be rude, but are you attracted to boys?”

Zayn’s looks at her, eyes wide.

“I’m only asking as if you consented to the sex you had.”

“I am. But...”

“That’s why you’re asking for the emergency contraction. Are you in any pain?”

Tears starts falling from his eyes again. He wipes them away, but it’s not good.

“Okay...lay down. I’ll do a full exam.”

Zayn nods.

“I’ll give you a minute to undress. Put this sheet over yourself when you’re done. I’ll be just outside,” Dr. Verma says.

Zayn nods again taking the street from her. He watches her leave the room.

Getting undressed is almost embarrassing. The doctor, Dr. Verma, is going to see him without his pants on. She’ll see how he looks down there. He blushes to himself.

Once he’s on the exam bed he puts the street over himself. Laying there looking up at the ceiling he starts thinking about how the doctor will touch him. Will she make it hurt? Will she be gentle and just make sure everythings still there?

A knock on the door pulls him from his thoughts and Dr. Verma comes back in.

“Ready?” she asks.

Zayn nods.

She pulls on her gloves and moves to the end of the bed where Zayn’s lower half is. She pulls the sheet up exposing him. She looks at him for a moment before pulling the sheet back down.

“You definitely have tearing down there, but I can’t see without cleaning the area first. It’ll only be saline solution I’m using to see to where you’re torn and if you need stitches. It’ll almost help me to know where you’re bleeding from,” Dr. Verma explains to him.

He nods, “Will it hurt?”

“It might.”

The doctor goes over to one to of the cabinets and pulls out a bottle of liquid and a few other things. She places them down on table next to the exam bed.

The sheet is moved again and Zayn feels pulling, “Ow.”

“Sorry. This part will hurt, but it’s important.”

“Okay.”

Zayn closes his eyes and thinks of anything, but what is happening to him. He thinks of football, music, drawing, the boy he wants to kiss...Liam...Liam was his name right?

“All done,” Dr. Verma says pulling him from his thoughts, “Let me just wipe you off, sorry...okay now I’m going to press a few spots. Tell me if it hurts.”

Zayn nods and Dr. Verma starts.

“No...no...no...fuck yes, yes...no”

“Right. I don’t usually do this, but I’m going to put in on stitch. You’re being very brave,” she says. She gets up from her seat and takes off her gloves grabbing a new pair, “Oh...here can you take this?”

It’s the pill Zayn’s been after the whole time he’s been here. She hands him a glass of water and the pill letting him have a moment to take them.

“I’m going to prescribe painkillers as well, but you have to promise not to overdose.”

“I won’t.”

“This is a local anesthetic,” she says and rubs something cold on Zayn. 

Zayn jumps from the cold, “Sorry.”

She only nods, “Close you eyes.”

He does and then feels a tugging. It’s over as soon as it began.

“You can put your clothes back on. I’ll write you up a prescription.”

Zayn takes his clothes and dresses behind the curtain.

When he’s dressed he comes back around to see Dr. Verma waiting for him.

“I want to ask before you go. Do you think this’ll happen again?”

“No.”

“Are you sure.”

“Yes.”

“Zayn I have an obligation to go to the police if I think if you’ll get sexually assaulted again.”

“I’m not!”

“But...I’m not going to. Not without your permission because you’ve said it won’t happen again. But do you want me to call the police?”

“I don’t.”

“I can go with you,” Dr. Verma offers.

“I don’t want anyone to know.”

“Your parents won’t have to find out.”

“My dad’s the crown prosecutor.”

Dr. Verma nods, “Yes. I see.”

“I don’t even...I don’t want anyone to know.”

“I took samples. I have his DNA if you change your mind.”

“You do?” Zayn asks almost not believing her.

“I do. I can store them and I can get them analyzed. If you decide to go to the police all the evidence will be here. So you want me to call someone from the local station? We don’t have to leave the office they can come here. We can get them not to tell your dad.”

Zayn gives her a blank stare, “I don’t want anyone to know.”


	4. Chapter 4

Once Zayn’s about ready to go Dr. Verma asks, “Should I give you sick note for tomorrow? The rest of the week even?”

Zayn shakes his head, “Just today is fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah...I can’t miss school. Too much going on.”

Dr. Verma smiles, “Of course. Just don’t work yourself too hard. Take it easy for a week or so.”

“I will.”

“And make sure you don’t overdose on the painkillers. Apply the anesthetic three times a day. If it still hurts or if you change your mind about telling the police you can come back here and I’ll help you. I’ve got everything the police will need.”

Zayn looks at the vials, “I don’t want to. Promise you won’t tell them.”

“I understand, but I really should. It’s my job to report these things.”

“No! It a one time thing...it won’t happen again,” Zayn yells at the doctor.

“And if does happen again? Do you promise come to me?” Dr. Verma asks.

“Yes.”

“Good...okay,” Dr. Verma says in relief.

“Thank you. I should go. Thank you,” Zayn says to her again. He leaves the room without looking back.

* * *

Zayn gets home and hears his mother and brother fighting. He rolls his eye and takes a deep breathe before going through the back door into the house to try and relieve the tension between the two.

“What you doing home so early?” his mother, Tricia, asks him.

“Geography was cancelled so they let us go. I feel sick.”

“You don’t believe you do you?” Niall cries.

Tricia looks at him and Niall groans, “You do! You always believe him and never me!”

“Niall not now!”

“What’s going on?” Zayn asks.

“Niall’s grounded.”

“I didn’t do anything! I don’t want to be bloody grounded!”

“Don’t swear at mum,” Zayn quietly says, “It’ll just make it longer when dad hears about it.”

“How are you, honey?” Tricia asks Zayn. She puts a hand to his forehead checking to see if it’s hot.

Before Zayn can answer his mother yells, “Niall!”

“I wanted chocolate!”

“You’re not allowed a treat! Go to your room!”

“Good...I’ll just go play on my Xbox.”

“I’m taking that away as well!”

“That’s not fair!” Niall whines.

“Upstairs now!” Tricia yells. She watches Niall mope up the stairs. She turns back to Zayn, “Niall was sent home for hitting his teacher.”

“I didn’t hit her!” Niall yells from the top of the stairs.

“Niall, room now!”

The door to his room slams shut and Tricia sighs, “What’s going on with you? You look ill.”

Zayn shrugs, “I dunno.”

Tricia doesn’t get a chance to reply because loud music and gun blasts come from upstairs, “Niall! I can hear you on the Xbox! Off now!”

“No!”

“I said turn it off now!”

Zayn watches the exchange. His stomach retracting and he leans over the kitchen sink only to throw up in it.

“Honey are you okay?” Tricia asks rushing over to him.

He throws up again and there’s three pills mixed with food and yellow liquid.

“Did you take something?”

“Ibuprofen.”

“You’re only suppose to take two. Why’d you take more?”

“Wha-” Zayn trails off looking dazed.

“Go lay down into the living room and I’ll get this cleaned up.”

Zayn barely nods before going into the living room and laying down on the couch. He hears the water run in the kitchen sink washing down what he just threw up.

When his mum comes in she has a wash cloth and wipes his face, “Feeling better?”

“Kind of.”

“Just relaxing for a bit and if you need to go to bed. I’ll make you something light to eat for dinner.”

“Thanks,” Zayn sighs.

Tricia gives him a smile, “Rest.”

* * *

It’s eleven at night when Zayn goes into Niall’s room, “Shouldn’t you be in bed? You upset mum today.”

“She’s always upset with me,” Niall replies.

“No she isn’t!”

“She and I fight all the time!”

“You do?” 

Niall rolls his eyes, “What’s wrong with you? You’re acting funny?”

“I am?”

“Yeah.” Niall says and kills three zombies.

“Oh...nothing. Why?”

“I thought you said you were sick. Shouldn’t you be in bed or something?”

“I’m fine...now. Wasn’t earlier. Just had a shock today,” Zayn tries to cover his tracks. He can’t tell Niall what’s really going on.

“Suck up.”

“I am not!” Zayn tries to defend himself.

“I’m only joking.”

They’re quiet for a few minutes. Niall playing his game while Zayn watches. Niall dies and he sighs. Instead of starting the game again he turns to Zayn, “What shock?”

“Huh?”

“You said you had a shock today. What was it?”

“Oh, um, nothing...it was nothing. I mean at first it was, but it’s over now,” Zayn says. He grabs the extra controller and starts the game over with two players.

The brothers play until late into the night. The night changing from dark to grey. Zayn finally begs off but not before saying, “Nothing” again and leaving Niall’s room without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter is short. Sorry.


	5. Chapter 5

Zayn goes to school the next day. He’s still in some pain, but the painkillers Dr. Verma subscripted for him are working wonders for him. He didn’t sleep. He had stayed up after leaving Niall’s room thinking about his visit to the doctor. She promised not to tell anyone, but he still was waiting for a knock on the front door from the police asking for him.

Getting to school was uneventful. The others on the bus chatting happily to their friends. Zayn stays quiet. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone.

He gets into the common room and sees Liam. He was about to go over to talk to him, but Louis and Harry got to him first.

“Where’d you go yesterday?” Harry asks.

“I wasn’t feeling well. Left early.”

“You don’t usually skip.”

“I had a runny tummy. Better now,” Zayn says trying to shrug off the questioning.

“Be honest you just wanted to skip school for a day,” Louis chimes in, “I know the feeling.”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “Unlike you I don’t have a need to skip. I was sick. Nothing else. I’m better now.”

“You look tired,” Harry says.

“I’m fine,” Zayn says and walks off. He doesn’t need to be questioned. He doesn’t want it to slip out that he went to the surgery instead of going to class.

He moves through the hall to his locker getting his books for his morning classes out. He doesn’t pay attention to anyone. Doesn’t matter anyway as everyone is talking to their friends or rushing to get homework done before the day arrives.

He drags himself to assembly finding a seat in the back. Unfortunately Louis and Harry find him and seat with him. Thankfully assembly starts as soon as they’re seated so he doesn’t have to talk to them.

At lunch he goes out to the field and sees Liam sitting on the benches. He starts to make his way over, but a group of girls intercept him first.

“Hey Zayn,” the blonde says.

He tries to think of her name, “Hey...Ginger right?”

She blushes, “Yeah...what are you up to?”

“Just going to talk to Liam.”

Liam’s head pops up when he hears his name.

“Oh.”

“I was just going to ask him about some homework. Left early yesterday and need to see what I missed.”

“Right well we better go,” Ginger says, “Talk to you later Zayn.”

“Later.”

The girls rush off giggling to themselves. Zayn rolls his eyes.

When he gets to Liam he just stands there. Liam looks at him, “Can I help you?”

“Um...yeah I was wondering if you wanted to, um, like hang out some time?”

“Oh, uh, well I’m kind of of busy.”

“Right yeah. Um maybe another time,” Zayn says. He starts to move away but turns around, “Um my friends and I are going to the cinema this weekend if you want to come.”

“Who’s going?”

“Louis, Harry, Jenna, Hannah...some other people. Just a group of us.”

“And why are you asking me? Need an extra guy if more girls come?”

Zayn shrugs, “No just thought it might be nice to get to know each other more...or something. We’re going to the chip shop after.”

Liam looks like he’s thinking about it then answers, “I can’t go out this weekend.”

“Oh okay. Maybe next time...um if you can make thought movie starts at six thirty. If you can make cool if not next time. Uh bye,” Zayn tells him and turns to leave.

“Zayn, wait...listen I’ll go next time yeah?”

Zayn give him a smile, “Yeah okay.”

Liam smiles back, “Talk to you later.”

Zayn gives him an awkward wave before turning and going back to the school building.

The rest of the day goes by and after school Zayn’s got football practice. He’s one of three captains, so being at practice, even with the pain, is very important. He gets dressed in the locker room and goes out to the pitch before everyone arrives to kick the ball around.

He looks over to the bench hoping to see Liam, but he knows it’s fruitless. Liam doesn’t like football. At least Zayn thinks so. He’s never been at the games or tried out for the team.

Louis and Harry, the other captains, show up a few minutes are Zayn and start getting the pitch ready for practice.

“You’ve been quiet all day,” Louis comments to Zayn as they set up cones.

“Just still tired from yesterday.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be practicing today then.”

“I’m fine to practice.”

“You sure? Don’t want you throwing up. Coach would be pissed.”

“I’m not you,” Zayn says and runs for his life.

“I fucking hate you!” Louis yells and runs after him.


	6. Chapter 6

Saturday Zayn scores the winning goal of the game. He smiles to his parents sitting in the stands before he gets taken into a group hug from Louis and Harry. They congratulate him and tell him he’s the best, which he plays off, but knows he probably is. They move over to the bench to get their after game water and orange slices from the mum in charge before going over to the group huddle that the coach, Matt, is holding.

Zayn looks to his parents again and sees Lisa sitting talking to his mum. He looks around for Lance praying he’s not there. He doesn’t see him next to Lisa or his mum, so he looks around at everyone else, but doesn’t see him thankfully.

He zones back into what coach is saying about the next game, but he’s missed half it and can’t keep up.

“Zayn good work out there,” some guy says coming up to him.

“Thanks.”

“Let me take a photo of you,” the guy says.

“Why?”

“You’re going to be on the cover of the paper.”

Zayn smiles and the photo is taken.

“Good looking lad you are. It’ll be great press for your dad.”

“What do you mean?” Zayn asks confused.

“Oh this going to be front page next week. I heard your dad is announcing his candidacy for MP.”

Zayn fakes a smile to the guy, “Yeah...yeah it’ll be great.”

“Great.” The guy says and walks away.

* * *

Zayn doesn’t have time to ask his dad about him running for MP because Louis and Harry are coming over to get ready for their night out at the movies. It’s not a date thing, more of group thing, but a couple of the girls coming with them have crushes on Louis and Harry, so they want to look their best to impress them.

“Zayn you got a razor I can borrow?” Louis asks coming out of the bathroom.

“Um I think my dad might,” Zayn says and goes to his parents’ bathroom.

“What do you have to shave off anyway?” Harry asks, “Not much facial hair you got.”

“I’ve got some!” Louis protests, “It’s growing in here and there.”

Harry rolls his eyes.

Zayn returns with a disposable razor in hand. He gives it to Louis who smiles and rushes back into the bathroom to shave.

“You excited for tonight?” Harry asks.

Zayn shrugs, “I guess.”

“Why are so sad?”

“I’m not sad.”

“You’re acting like it. You scored the winning goal today. You should be jumping around and celebrating.”

“I’m just tried. Game was hard is all.”

Harry huffs, “Then get untried. We have a movie to go to! And after Hannah said she can get us into this one pub that she knows the bartender at.”

Zayn gives him a small smile, “Sounds great.”

* * *

At the cinema Jenna, Hanna, and some girl Zayn doesn’t know the name of are already waiting for them when they arrive. Harry and Louis instantly go to their girls and put arms around them making them smile. Zayn kicks at the ground and looks over at the lone girl.

“Are you my date?” the girl asks.

Zayn shrugs, “I don’t know. Was told it wasn’t a date thing.”

“Oh...I’m Lucy by the way.”

“Nice to meet you. Zayn.”

Lucy smiles, “Nice to meet you...so I guess this is going to a little weird tonight then?”

“I didn’t mean to make it weird.”

“No! No, it’s fine. I just was told we were going on a group date.”

“Sorry. I was told it was a group thing. Thought more people were coming.”

“I don’t know.”

Zayn shrugs again, “Yeah.”

They get their tickets and concessions before moving into the theatre the getting seats together. Hannah and Louis are already kissing each other everyone once in a while, while Harry and Jenna seem to be talking about something so interesting Harry keeps spilling his popcorn on the floor.

Lucy and Zayn are quietly eating their candy and not talking to each other. Not that Zayn really minds. He’d rather not talk to some girl he has no interest in than to pretend he does.

When the movie starts Louis and Hannah start making out. Zayn rolls his eyes at them and huffs his annoyance to himself.

“Something wrong?” Lucy whispers to him.

“No...nothing. Sorry.”

“Okay.”

After the movie Hannah takes them over to the pub she said she could get them into. It’s not that crowded, but crowded enough that Zayn isn’t feeling it.

“I’m going to go,” Zayn tells the group.

“What why?” Louis asks.

“I’m tired. I’m going to go home and sleep.”

“You’re so boring! Stay awhile.”

“Nah, really I’m going home.”

“Boo! Lame.”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “I’ll see you guys at school.”

“What about Lucy?” Hannah asks.

“I’m fine,” Lucy answers.

“You’re not going with him?”

“I can walk you home,” Zayn says.

Lucy shakes her head, “No it’s alright. I’m going to stay a little bit longer.”

“Oh...okay. Night.”

“See you Zayn!” Harry waves to him.

“See you, you doughnut!” Louis yells after him.

Zayn shakes his head, but smiles as he leaves.

* * *

Zayn gets home and thankfully no one’s in the living room waiting for him. It’s late, so when he hears his name being called from Niall’s room he moves to the half closed door and pushes it open.

“Hey what are you doing up?” Zayn asks moving over to kneel down next to Niall’s bed.

“I can’t sleep.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know...where are Louis and Harry?”

“Out with some girls. At a pub with ‘em.”

“Is that why you smell like beer?”

“You accusing me of drinking?”

“No it’s just you smell.”

Zayn smiles, “Yeah?”

“Yeah...why’d they stay out with the girls and you didn’t?”

Zayn shrugs, “I don’t know. Well...sometimes when you get older people start pairing off. You know man and woman or man and man or woman and woman. Then when you find the one you really like you want to stay with them forever. Become and mummy and daddy.”

“Mummy and daddy are names only babies use.”

“Then mother and father.”

“Mum and dad.”

“Yeah...mum and dad.”

“But what about a man and a man. They can’t be a mum and dad.”

“They can be parents.”

“They can?” Niall asks in amazement.

“Yeah. It’s normal. Just not seen as much, you know?”

“Then that means it’s not normal.”

Zayn sighs, “Sometimes it’s okay not to be normal.”

“Are Louis and Harry normal?”

“Yes.”

“Are we normal?”

Zayn shakes his head, “No.”

“Is it because I’m weird?”

“Who told you that?”

“Stacy at school.”

“You’re not weird...it’s because we’re superheroes!” Zayn says and he tickles Niall. Niall laughs and tries to get Zayn to stop, but can’t.

When Zayn finally does stop Niall and him calm down. Niall gets this breathe back and asks, “Are you mad at Louis and Harry.”

“No...I just didn’t think it was nice they tried to set me up with a girl that I didn’t know. I mean Louis likes Hannah and Harry likes Jenna so...”

“So what’s the problem?”

Zayn’s quiet. Trying to think of an answer, “Nothing’s wrong. It was a nice night. I wanted someone to come with us, but they didn’t show up. My friends thought I liked this one girl and all but I didn’t, so I left early.”

“Why didn’t you like her?”

Zayn shrugs, “I didn’t want to invite her home.”

“Why not?”

Zayn shrugs. He doesn’t want to tell his little brother he’s gay. That would start a whole new conversation.

“Zayn?”

“Sorry...I was just thinking. Girls like to do things that I don’t want to do. They wouldn’t want to do that stuff with me if they knew about...things. It’s whatever. This is the year everyone starts pairing up and going out and stuff. I just don’t get it.”

Niall pats Zayn’s hand that’s on his bed, “It’s okay...what stuff do girls like to do?”

“Stuff...like play games.”

“Like Dance Factor? The one that goes along with the TV show?”

Zayn smiles, “Yeah that.”

Niall smiles as well, “Yeah that show sucks.”

Zayn chuckles, “I think it’s time for you to go to bed. Do you want me to tell you a ghost story?”

Niall’s face lights up, “Yes! Can I come to your bed?”

Zayn freezes. He can’t have Niall in his bed. Not after what happened with Lance, “No, uh, because if you get scared you won’t leave my bed and I want to sleep without getting pushed in the ribs.”

“I hit you! Promise.”

“It happened last time.”

“What time is it?”

Zayn looks down at his watch, “Midnight.”

“Fine you can tell me the story here.”

Zayn is relieved, “Great where’s the flashlight?”

Niall quickly locates the flashlight on his nightstand and hands it to Zayn. Zayn gets more comfortable on the floor.

“So once there was a house...” Zayn starts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't figured it out yet Niall is Zayn's kid brother. He's like 10/11.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING**
> 
> Lance and Zayn have a scene together and talk about what happened. If this will trigger you in ANYWAY please do not read.

Mid October comes fast and soon it's time for Zayn to take his entrance exam for St. James private sixth form. Since he's a resident he gets to take the test earlier than everyone else. He gets to skip school for the day with his mates and go over to St. James to take the test with the rest of his class.

Zayn's nervous though. St. James is where Lance goes. He hasn't since him since that night and just the thought of seeing him now makes Zayn sick. It also doesn't help that Zayn's hasn't been feeling that great lately either. His stomach has been giving him problems, which he thinks might have to do with the stress of the test.

Zayn is standing with Louis and Harry waiting for them to be called in the room where they'll be taking their test. Louis is flirting with some of the sixth form girls, but none of them stop for him.

"Oh come...you know you want me!" Louis says when one of the girls runs off laughing.

"Tough break," Harry says to him.

"They don't know what they're missing...Zayn could probably pull a sixth form girl."

Zayn looks at him, "I'm okay. None are really my type."

"Come on, mate, you know you're the best looking one here. Some girl would love to go out with you."

"Nah...not into them."

Luckily Zayn doesn't have to talk anymore about the girls because he's being called into the room to sit.

When he gets in he sees Liam already sitting there. He smilles and waves to him and Liam waves back.

"Mr. Malik take your seat please," says the examiner in the room.

Zayn apologizes and seats down in the back row.

There's couple more students called in and take their seats. Once everyone is seated to the examiners liking she hands the tests out and tells them they have an hour. They'll start at the top of the hour thus giving them a few minutes to hang out.

Zayn takes a deep breathe and releases it. He knows he'll do alright considering he has good grades and he's one of the top students in his class.

Zayn sees movement from the corner of his eye and he turns to see the hall is filling with students. He watches them until he sees him...Lance. He's standing in front of the windows looking in the room. When Lance spots Lance he smiles, eyes narrowing.

Zyan starts to sweat. He doesn't need this. He really doesn't.

"Begin," the examinar says breaking Zayn's attention away from Lance.

Zayn starts the test, but he's shaking and sweating. He barely reads the questions before he answers.

All too soon he hears, "Time's up. Pen's down."

Zayn looks up and sees they're starting to collect the tests. He's in the back and no one is watching him, so he quickly finishes the questions he didn't answer. Putting his pen away before the collector comes he thinks it's all over.

"Test please," the lady collecting asks.

Zayn hands it to her.

"Thank you."

Zayn knows it's time to leave, so he gets up and starts walking to the door. He sees Liam up at the front talking to someone, but he can't get to him.

He moves into the hall instead and finds Louis and Harry.

"How'd it go?" Harry asks.

"Fine," Zayn replies.

"Of course he did well. He's the best student," Louis says.

"Not the best," Zayn mutters.

"Hey it's that your cousin?" Harry asks making Zayn look up and see Lance by the door to a classroom.

Zayn sees him looking right at him. Lance was waiting for him. Zayn starts to panic.

"We should go say hi," Harry says.

"No!" Zayn says loudly, "I mean he's probably about to go to class. We shouldn't make him late."

"It's only a quick hello."

Before Zayn could reply Lance is already over to him and smiling, "Well if it isn't my little cousin and his friends. How are you?"

Zayn gags at the fake cheeriness of Lances' voice.

"Great! Just finished with our entarance exam," Harry answers.

Lance smiles, "That sounds like it was stressful."

"I'm glad it's over," Louis chimes in.

"Bathroom," Zayn says and starts to walk off.

"I'll show you where they are," Lance says back and throws an arm around him, "Don't want you to get lost."

Zayn feels like he might faint, "I'll be okay by myself."

Lance tightens his hold on him, "It's not problem...really."

Zayn strinks into himself.

Lance takes him to a hanicap washroom and closes the door behind them locking it so no one can get it.

"You okay?" Lance asks turning to face Zayn.

Zayn shakes his head no.

"Aw come on...I bet you miss me."

Zayn doesn't reply.

"You not talking now. Come on let me hear your pretty voice."

Zayn tries to push Lance away from him.

"Why are you so uptight now? Is it because I saw you? Your pussy and little dick?" Lance asks as he grabs Zayn's arm.

"Please...let me go," Zayn says.

Lance lets go, "I was so pissed that night. I don't remember much."

"Really?"

Lance shrugs, "It was fun though, yeah?"

"No!" Zayn yells, "No!"

"You loved it. Moaning under me...opening for me."

"S-stop. Please...I didn't like it," Zayn feels tears starting to form.

"Yes you did...whaever cry like a little girl if you want. It was just a bit of fun."

Zayn wipes at his eyes, "Did you tell anyone?"

Lance shrugs.

"You can't tell anyone! Please...Lance you can't! Everyone will find out about me!"

"Calm down. I didn't tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me," Lance says. He pulls Zayn to him, "We're alright, yeah? Still best friends?"

Zayn's mind goes blank. After what Lance did he thinks they're still friends?

"We're okay...right?" Lance asks his voice going dark and squeezing Zayn.

"Y-yes...we're okay," Zayn replies.

Lance let's him go, "Good...should get you back to your friends. Probably wondering where you are."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **MINOR TRIGGER WARNING**
> 
> Zayn has a moment of omg what if everyone found out and him and Lance and what happened.

Lance and Zayn walk out of the washroom and back to where Louis and Harry were, but the hall is mostly empty with just a few others standing around.

“Hi,” Liam says to Zayn.

Zayn looks up and sees Liam, but he’s not really paying attention.

“I’ll see you later,” Lance says.

“Huh?”

“You’re okay, yeah?”

Zayn shakes his head, “Uh...yeah, yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later. Bye.” Lance says.

Zayn doesn’t reply. He just watches as Lance walks down the hall and out of sight.

“That’s you cousin right? Because you two don’t look alike,” Liam says.

Zayn looks over at him, “We’re not really cousins. Our parents are friends.”

“Oh...uh how are you?”

“Fine. Why?”

“Just seem like you’re not here or something.”

“Just exhausted from the test.”

“Yeah took a lot of me too. But it’s over so that’s good!”

Zayn gives him a small smile, “Yeah it is.”

“Mr. Malik, Mr. Payne you’re suppose to be on the coach!” yells their teacher Mrs. Green.

“Sorry!” Zayn yells back.

“I’ll talk to you later?” Liam asks.

“Yeah...see you.”

“See you.”

* * *

Friday Zayn is in a mood. He’s been getting mood swings off and on. He gets depressed thinking about Lance and being intersex and just everything. He still can’t shake the look of Lance’s face when he was above him. It keeps coming to him when he’s dreaming and he wakes in a cold sweat.

Thankfully this weekend Niall’s having friends over for a _very_ late birthday party. Niall was suppose to have a party for this birthday the weekend of it, but their parents had grounded him and told him no party until he was behaving properly. The party will be a nice distraction from everything.

That day at lunch Zayn sees Liam in the library. He hadn’t seen him since a few days prior when they had gone to the exam and he usually doesn’t see Liam at lunch.

Zayn makes his way over to the table Liam’s sitting at and places his books down gently on it. Liam’s got all his textbooks around him. He looks anyone else getting ready for their GCSEs, “Hey.”

Liam looks up and he smiles, “Hi, what are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“You okay? You look a little pale.”

“Fine...just a headache. GCSEs coming up and all.”

“Yeah I know what you mean.”

Zayn sits down.

“I saw you in the paper. Your dad’s going to be the next MP?”

Zayn looks confused for a moment, “Huh, oh yeah. I guess. He’s running is all. There’s another candidate.”

“You’ll dad will win no problem. Then you’ll be famous!”

“Not really.”

Liam chuckles, “Well don’t go around being like the last MP kids. They were all over the paper drinking and stuff. I think one of them even wore a fascist outfit to a fancy dress party.”

Zayn closes his eyes and takes a breath in. He thinks about if Lance had gone to the papers about what happened. Everyone would know that he’s intersex. They would know what Lance had done. People would look at him and only see Lance in him. It would ruin his father’s career, “Guess I shouldn’t do that than.”

Liam gives him a look as they just stare at one another, “You’re not doing well, are you?”

“Why didn’t you come to my birthday?” Zayn counters changing the subject.

“What?”

“My birthday...at the cinema. You said you were busy, but I know you weren’t.”

“Oh.”

“Did you think I wouldn’t know that you were lying?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad.”

“I’m not. I just...why’d you lie.”

Liam looks down at his course work, “I...I’m not good around people.”

“And you never smile at me when I smile at you in the hall.”

Liam smiles, “oh.”

“What? It’s not funny!”

Liam laughs, “I have bad eyesight!”

“What?”

“I need glasses. Basically I have to wear them all the time, but I don’t have a pair. I don’t want people to know I have to wear them, so I just don’t look at others in the hallways and it works.”

Zayn’s anger rises, “That’s stupid! You should get some!”

“I have an appointment coming up. I just think I’ll look weird.”

Zayn’s anger goes down and the tension in his body leaves, “I don’t think you’ll look weird.”

Liam blushes, “Thanks...um also about the not saying hi thing I’m just kind of awkward in general.”

“You don’t seem awkward when I met by the tree that one time or when I saw after the exam.”

Liam shrugs, “Didn’t you notice that I didn’t talk to you until you were alone.”

“I was with Lance.”

“I know but...it seemed like he was ready to leave anyway.”

“Well if you’re so awkward than maybe I should help you. Show you some pointers.”

“Hmm...I’m listening.”

“Okay. Number one if you know someone say hi, and number two if you want to hang out alone with me and not when others are around just ask,” Zayn says and he gives Liam a flirty smile.

Liam chuckles, “I didn’t know there were rules! I’ll promise to follow them from now on.”

“Okay.”

“Shh!” the librarian angry hisses.

“Sorry!” Zayn says.

“Quiet!” the librarian says back.

“Don’t worry, she’s like that with everyone,” Liam whispers. He’s packing his bag and Zayn grabs up his books as well.

“Hey do you like ten year olds?”

“Uh...like how?”

“Not like that! My brother’s birthday party is this weekend and he’s letting me invite one friend,” Zayn replies. He gets a crumbled piece of paper out of his pocket.

“Um...”

“Don’t say you’re busy...sorry...I’m being mean again. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

“Okay, I’ll come.”

“Cool! Uh, here’s the invite. I can’t wait,” he hands Liam the invite, “I got to go. See you!”


	9. Chapter 9

Saturday afternoon Zayn is in the back garden with Niall and his friends as they celebrate Niall’s birthday. Zayn wishes Liam was there already so he could have someone to talk to, but he hasn’t showed up.

Zayn’s about to abandon the party and go to his room when his mum calls him.

“There’s someone here for you...Liam?” his mum says.

Zayn nods, “Yeah I invited him. Niall said I could have one friend come.”

“That’s fine. Just remember it’s Niall’s day, not yours.”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “I know.”

Tricia smiles and pats him on the arm as he passes going to the front door to get Liam. Liam’s standing there looking like a deer in headlights.

“Hey Liam,” Zayn says.

Liam smiles, “Hi.”

“How are you?”

Liam shrugs, “I’m not sure what I’m suppose to do.”

Zayn chuckles, “Come out to the back garden. Everyone’s already here.”

As they go to the back garden Zayn points things out to Liam. The kitchen where food and drinks were, the downstairs washroom, and the living room.

“Just to warn you they’re all crazy,” Zayn says.

Liam laughs, “They’re ten. What could happen?”

There’s a lot that happens. Once the kids see Liam they want to wrestle with him, which he does until he bashes his elbow into one of the chairs and Zayn makes them stop. After they want to play tag, but Zayn gets Liam out of it by saying they have to get something from the house.

Zayn takes Liam up to his room and shuts the door, “You okay?”

“Fine.”

Zayn moves over to Liam. He puts his arm around him, “So...”

Liam looks down at Zayn’s mouth, “So?”

Zayn moves and closes the gap between them. Liam takes in a breath surprised. They’re kissing. Their first kiss in the same room as where Lance raped Zayn. Zayn tries to remember it’s Liam he’s kissing, but his brain keeps reminding him about Lance. He pulls back, his eyes wide, “I-I’m sorry.”

“No. It was nice,” Liam says back.

Zayn shakes his head, “No I should’ve asked you before I kissed you if it was alright.”

“It was fine. I liked it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Zayn stop apologizing. If I didn’t like it I would’ve pushed you away. I’m stronger than you think.”

“I know I just...we should go back down. Cake will be out,” Zayn says and opens the door before heading out his room without looking back to see if Liam is following.

Zayn makes it to the kitchen where his mum is putting the candles on the cake, “Help me carry the cake out love?”

“Sure,” Zayn replies and take it from the counter. He moves through the door to the table outside and places it down.

Zayn’s mum calls the kids over and the rush over to crowd around. Niall pushing to get to the front and see the cake.

“Everyone let’s sing,” Tricia says and the kids all start “Happy Birthday.”

Zayn looks and sees Liam singing along with a smile making Zayn relieved that Liam didn’t walk out after their aborted make out.

After cake was served and presents were open the kids start to leave. Parents come and go talking to Tricia about Yaser’s campaign while the kids pull on their hands wanting to leave.

“I’m going to go,” Liam says.

Zayn didn’t hear him come up and he slightly jumps, “Oh...okay.”

“Can you walk me to the door?”  
Zayn nods, “Sure.”

They walk to the front where the door is open as parents come in and out. They stand there in awkward silence.

“I, um, I’ve had a nice time,” Liam says.

“I’m glad you came.”

“Listen if you want to forget about what happened in your room-”

Zayn cuts him off, “I don’t. I mean it was nice. We should...I don’t know go out sometime or something.”

Liam gives him a small smile, “You sure?”

“Yeah. I, uh, I’m not out or anything so...”

“I get it. I’m not either.”

“So...I’ll see you at school on Monday?”

“Yeah...yeah I’ll see you later.”

Zayn leans in and quickly kisses Liam on the cheek making both of them blush, “I’ll see you.”


	10. Chapter 10

After Niall’s party, Zayn and Liam spend more time together. They don’t talk about what happened in Zayn’s room though. Liam smiles and talks to Zayn more in school and they spend a couple of afternoons together, but with Zayn’s football schedule there’s not much time.

One late October afternoon Zayn and Liam are hanging out when Liam grabs Zayn’s hand. Liam gives him a hopeful smile and Zayn squeezes his hand to let him know it’s okay.

“Are you ready for GCSE mocks?” Liam asks.

Zayn shrugs, “I’m doing okay in all of my classes, so I guess. It’s only mocks not the real thing. Shouldn’t be too bad.”

“I see you in the library sometimes. Looks like you’re working hard.”

“I’m just trying to get everything done since footie season is heating up. We’ve got some hard teams coming up.”

“I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“What about you? You worried?”

“Yeah...I’m not like you. I work really hard and I still fail sometimes.”

“I’m sure you do just fine.”

“I don’t.”

Zayn rubs his thumb against the back of Liam’s hand, “I’m sure you’ll do just fine. It’s not the real thing.”

Liam gives him a small smile, “Yeah.”

Zayn smiles back. He sees it in Liam’s eyes. He wants to Zayn and Zayn wants to kiss him. He leans in and his breathe makes a little huff of air as his mouth opens before connecting with Liam’s. Liam isn’t surprised this time and he leans into the kiss pushing back at Zayn’s mouth.

When they break apart Liam asks, “Okay?”

“Yeah.”

They kiss again, but get interrupted by Zayn’s phone ringing. Zayn growls and takes his phone out to see his mum calling.

“Hi mum.”

“Zayn where are you? You were suppose to be home half an hour ago. Mike and Lisa are coming over and you have to watch Niall.”

Zayn groans, “I’ll be home soon. Got held up at school.”

“Don’t work yourself so hard!”

“I’m not, mum. Look I’m packing up now. I’ll be home soon.”

“Okay sweetie, see you soon.”

Zayn turns to Liam, “I have to go. Have to watch Niall tonight. Not that he needs to be watched. Probably will just play his video games all night.”

Liam nods, “I should get home too. Have to study.”

They get up from where they’re sitting and brush themselves off from the dead, wet leaves they had been around.

“I’ll see you at school.”

“Yeah...uh if you need help studying let me know,” Zayn says.

“Thanks.” Liam leans over and quickly kisses Zayn, “See you.”

* * *

That night Zayn takes Niall to the cinema. Mike and Lisa are over and if Lance shows up he doesn’t want to see him. Niall wants candy, popcorn, and a soda, but Zayn agrees to only get popcorn and water since it’s late. Niall pouts, but doesn’t put up a fight.

They sit down in the theater that’s not even a quarter of a way filled. Niall instantly starts eating the popcorn.

“Slow down. Save some for the actual movie.”

“But I’m hungry!”

“You had dinner!”

“Yeah but that was like...forever ago.”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “It was like two hours ago.”

“Still hungry,” Niall says through a full of popcorn.

Zayn rolls his eyes.

Once the movie starts Zayn puts his feet up on the chair in front of him and relaxes. He’s happy to be out with his little brother. He’s been trying to spend more time with him and it seems to be helping Niall out. He hasn’t gotten in trouble at school recently which is a relief since their father’s campaign has been heating up.

The campaign has started to get bigger and Yaser has started bringing the campaign home. Their living room has been filled with campaign posters and his campaign staff running around. Thankfully they don’t try to talk to Zayn and Zayn doesn’t want to talk to them.

When the movie ends Niall throws the empty popcorn bucket away and says he wants ice cream. Zayn looks at the time and sees it late, but with Mike and Lisa over he knows his parents are probably still with them, so he agrees.

Niall cheers and races to the ice cream shop next door where he gets a double chocolate marshmallow and fudge cup. Zayn gets a cone with vanilla and rainbow sprinkles.

“You’re boring,” Niall comments.

Zayn shrugs, “It’s late. Mum would kill me if she knew I let you get ice cream.”

“She’s a bitch.”

“Niall! Don’t say that!”

“But she is!”

“Niall, she’s just stressed right now. She’s got work and dad’s campaign. Campaigns are stressful. You should be nicer to her.”

“She doesn’t like me like she likes you. You’re her favorite.”

Zayn shakes his head, “I’m not. I make mistakes too.”

Niall gives him a look, “Like what? You’re perfect. You get good grades, captain of the footie team, and you look like dad.”

“Niall...that doesn’t mean she likes me more.”

“She wishes she didn’t have me. Doesn’t have time for me. I’m nothing but trouble,” Niall sadly answers.

Zayn wipes his hands clean of the melted ice cream that came from finishing his cone and moves over to put an arm around Niall, “Ni...I’m not perfect. You think I am but I’m not. I’ve got secrets that no one knows.”

“Like what?”

“I can’t tell you then it wouldn’t be a secret.”

“Is one that you’re gay?”

Zayn looks at Niall in surprise, “How do you know that?”

Niall shrugs, “I saw how you looked at Liam at my party. Not just a friend, yeah?”

Zayn has a small smile on his face, “Not my boyfriend...but not my friend. Something in between.”

“That’s cool. He seems cool.”

“Yeah he kind of is.”

Niall finishes his ice cream after that. They walk back home and thankfully Mike and Lisa are gone and their parents are in their bedroom.

They quietly make their way upstairs, but before Niall can get to his room Zayn stops him, “Don’t tell anyone about you know.”

“I won’t,” Niall promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were wondering where in the book I'm at it's page 109 of 343.


	11. Chapter 11

Zayn’s been more tired and moody as the weeks go on. He doesn’t want to go to football practice as much and when he’s home he’s usually in his room napping until his mum calls him down for dinner. If Niall’s around he’ll talk to him which makes his mum happy and the fighting between her and Niall has died down.

Today though today Zayn isn’t in a good mood. He’s tired, stressed, and his mum is making him take a family photo. It’s for their Christmas cards that will sent out in the coming weeks since it’s almost December and his mum wants to show everyone what a perfect family they are. If only everyone knew that they weren’t as perfect as they seem.

When he wakes up he isn’t feeling well and ends up in the bathroom head in the toilet trying to throw up, but nothing comes. He looks at himself in the mirror. Sees the way his lips have a more androgynous look to Them. His jaw is soft, full lashes, ambiguous eyes. He’s not girly. He’s a boy. He’s not a man, but something in between.

The thought makes him want to throw up. He moves to toilet again and this time he does. It’s not much, but it’s enough. He wipes his mouth and goes back to the sink and mirror. He washes his face and mouth looking at himself when he’s done. He thinks about what kind of person would be turned on by him. Liam comes to mind. He sees the way Liam looks at him sometimes. What would Liam do if he knew Zayn was intersex? He’s not a boy or a girl. He’s in between the two.

He moves back to the toilet a third time to pee. Taking his penis out looking at it. It’s not that big of a deal. He hasn’t really paid attention to his junk. It’s the only junk he’s ever had, but he thinks again of Liam. If Liam saw what he truly had what would he do? It puts him in a bad mood.

* * *

When Zayn makes his way down to the kitchen he hears Niall talking about his history project. He told his little brother he’d help him with it, but hasn’t done one thing to help him.

“Where’s my sweater?” Zayn asks his mum slumping down into the empty chair at the table.

“Which one?”

“My blue one.”

“What are you wearing? You can’t wear that for the photo!” Tricia exclaims.

Zayn looks down at himself. He’s got on a flannel and a pair of jeans that are ripped at the knees that are his favorite pair, “What’s wrong with them?”

“We’re taking family portraits today! You can’t look like you’re homeless. Go change.”

Zayn gets up, but his mum stops him.

“Actually here. Wear these,” she says and hands him his khaki trousers and a button down.

“I don’t want to wear these.”

“Why not?”

“Because the trousers don’t go with this shirt.”

“Then what goes with the shirt?”

Zayn shrugs, “Maybe I just won’t wear it.”

“You’re going to have to wear a button down for work. Get use to wearing one.”

Zayn grumples, “I won’t have to wear one if I’m not a lawyer.”

Tricia sighs, “Fine go pick out a t-shirt...a nice one. Not one with holes or from year 8.”

Zayn looks at the pile of clean clothes that are in the basket his mum got the trousers and button down from a picks out a plain black t-shirt.

“That’s fine, but the trousers are still a bit creased. I should iron them again. Put the clothes you have on in the wash.”

Zayn starts to go back up the stairs to change and hears his mum yell, “Don’t take all day! We have to be there by nine!”

Zayn quickly changes on the stairs rather than go back to his room. He goes back into the kitchen where his mum is to grab the pants he has to wear, “Where’s my blue sweater?”

Tricia doesn’t look up from ironing, “What blue sweater?”

“My blue sweater. The _only_ blue sweater I have,” Zayn snaps.

Niall looks at Zayn with confusion. Zayn snapping at their mum isn’t something that happens, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing...are my trousers done?” Zayn asks his mum.

“I’m ironing them. Hold on.”

Zayn groans, “Are you not done yet. I just want my trousers.”

“What’s wrong?” Tricia asks.

“I said nothing. Please I just want my trousers and sweater,” Zayn whines.

Tricia puts the iron down looking at Zayn, “When did you last wear your sweater?”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “I’ve already thought of that! If I hadn’t I wouldn’t be asking you!”

“There is no reason to shout...why are you acting like this? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!”

“You’re shouting. You never shout. What’s going on?”

“Niall shouts all the time and it’s worse than this!”

“Yeah, but you don’t,” Niall comments.

“I just want my fucking trousers!” Zayn growls.

Tricia laughs, “I changed your nappies. I know what you have. No need to be bashful!”

“Hey Zayn,” Niall says.

“What?” Zayn says turning to him.

“You swore at mum. You’re the bad boy now,” Niall replies with a smile.

Zayn pushes at Niall’s chair. It’s not hard, but it’s enough to go sideways and tilts for a moment. Niall seems to be fine, but his weight shifts and the chair topples over. His head hitting the kitchen floor hard enough to hear it.

Niall instantly starts to cry, “My head!”

“Zayn! What is going on with you?” Tricia asks rushing over to comfort Niall in a hug.

Zayn doesn’t know if he wants to scream or cry, so he takes his trousers off the ironing board putting them on over his legs, “I...I didn’t mean for the chair to fall over.”

“You pushed him. I’m so disappointed in you.”

“What’s going on?” Yaser says walking into the room.

“Zayn pushed Niall,” Tricia answers.

“I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry,” Zayn mutters.

“Why would you do that?” Yaser yells at Zayn. The roar of his voice drowning out Niall’s crying. He picks up his younger son and holds him close. Even at age ten Niall still small enough to sit on their father’s hip and be cuddled close.

“I...I’m sorry.”

It’s quiet. No one saying anything. Niall’s sniffling against Yaser’s neck the only sound aside from breathing. He picks his head up, “Isn’t it funny when Zayn’s the one in trouble?”

Zayn looks at his mother than his father. Yaser asks him, “Did you push Niall off his chair?”

Zayn doesn’t reply looking at the floor instead.

Tricia clears her throat, “We have ten minutes before we have to leave. Everyone almost ready?”

“Zayn hasn’t apologized to Niall,” Yaser comments.

Zayn looks at Niall. Niall moves closer to Yaser again looking almost afraid of Zayn. Zayn tries to speak, but no words come out.

“Zayn,” Yaser snaps.

Zayn looks at Niall again. Niall looks right at him. Tricia turns the iron off and goes out of the room.

Zayn clears his throat, “Sorry Niall.”

Tricia comes back with a sweater in hand, “I found your blue sweater, Zayn.”

* * *

The photographer snaps another photo and with a smile says, “Great, beautiful, just perfect!”

The photographer says said almost the same thing after every photo that’s been taking. Zayn’s standing behind Niall with his hand on Niall’s shoulder. Thankfully Niall didn’t have a bruise or lump on his head from his fall earlier which was a relief.

“Amazing, just gorgeous, perfect,” The photographer says again.

Niall’s shoulders move up and down under Zayn’s hand. Zayn squeezes his shoulder making Niall look up at him. They share smiles with one another then go back to looking at the camera.

* * *

After the photo session their parents drop them off at school. Zayn didn’t want to go, but he’s been slagging off and with a football game that weekend he needs to be a practice.

“Oi, Captain watch out!” comes a yell.

Zayn turns and catches the ball with his foot. He pushes to another player, “Miles here it comes!”

Miles gets the ball perfectly from where Zayn kicks it to him and he starts running down the field. He passes it to Tom who’s open. Zayn ran down the field and is open as well, so Tom sends the ball back to him. Zayn shoots and scores.

“Great job, Miles and Tom!” Zayn says to his teammates.

“Thanks, Captain!” They yell back.

“You’re going to get it now!” Louis yells. He’s captain of the other team. They’re playing five-a-side for practice and fun. Harry is on Zayn’s team and they’re doing well having scored twice with twenty minutes more to go.

Zayn’s chest hurts, but he doesn’t remember a ball hitting them in the chest earlier. He looks down his top to see if it’s bruised, but doesn’t see anything.

“Zayn stop staring at your tits and play!” Mr. Harvey, their school coach, yells at him.

Matt, the regional coach, sees Zayn and nods at him. Letting him know he heard what Mr. Harvey said.

Louis kicks the ball and it goes to James who boots it to Chris. Chris is near the goal, but so is Harry and Harry gets it and sends it back to Zayn.

Zayn tries to pass it to Miles, but Louis is right there, so he sees an opening with Harry, who pops it to Tom, and he runs with it to goal. Then James is all over him and the ball goes back to Louis. Zayn runs after him and tackles Louis getting the ball back, but then Louis tackles him and ball is his. Zayn dives in front of ball as Louis sends it to goal and it hits him right in the chest.

“Ow, fuck!” Zayn yells bending over a hand on his chest.

“Get it together, Malik!” Mr. Harvey yells.

He tries to stand, but he’s too sore. Zayn looks over his shoulder and see Louis put the ball into goal. They’re tied.

Zayn stands up trying to catch his breathe.”

Matt comes up to him, “You okay?”

Zayn nods.

“What was going with your chest? Is it bruised?”

“I thought it was, but it’s not,” Zayn gasps out.

Matt gestures for Zayn let him take a look and Zayn pulls his shirt from his chest letting him check. 

“Has he hurt his tits?” Mr. Harvey rudely asks when he comes up to Matt and Zayn.

“I’m fine,” Zayn mumbles.

Matt presses his hand to Zayn’s chest making him cry out, “Ow! That fucking hurt!”

“You’re not fine. Off,” says Matt, “Sub!”

Mr. Harvey grumbles, rolling his eyes.

Zayn looks at both of them, “I’m fine.”

“I told you to bulk up. It’s your build,” Mr. Harvey says, “I said bulk up or you wouldn’t survive tryouts for the under-eighteen squad.” He starts to walk away, but not before saying, “Man up, Zayn.”

Zayn growls to himself.

“Don’t pay attention to him. Come off the pitch. You don’t want to break a rib before Christmas,” Matt tell him.

“He’s an ass.”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t choose who’s on the team or what happens in the game, you do.”

Zayn growls again, “I can’t wait to be out of this school.”

“How much longer until study leave?”

“Six months,” Zayn sighs.

“Fun,” Matt says, “You going to St. James?”

“Hopefully,” Zayn replies. He thinks back to exam day at St. James. Lance was there, touching him. Making him feel gross. He doesn’t want to remember his touch.

The ball goes past him and he sees where it goes only to see Liam standing by the fence watching them.

Zayn wants to go over, but doesn’t because they’re in the middle of practice. He lifts his hand instead to wave. Liam smiles and waves back.


	12. Chapter 12

On Friday when Zayn sees Liam seating in front of school. He smiles to himself and walks over, “Hey Liam.”

Liam looks up from his book, “Hey Zayn. What’s up?”

“Uh...I wonder if you, I don’t know maybe want to do something?”

“You mean hang out?” Liam asks. They have to be careful around school since no one knows they’ve been getting together.

“Yeah...uh am I that easy to read?”

Liam smiles, “Not really. Just figured that’s why you’re talking to me.” Liam playfully hits him on the chest making Zayn wince.

“Crap did I hurt you?”

Zayn rubs his chest, “No, just a footie injury.”

“They hurt your tits?”

Zayn shrugs, “They like to play dirty.”

They’re quiet. Neither one saying anything. Zayn looks around to see if anyone else is there, but no one is since school’s over and it’s the weekend.

“Do you, uh, want to come back to mine?” Liam asks.

“S-sure.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, it sounds great!” Zayn says smiling.

“Great.” Liam picks up his backpack and books putting the books in the bag before slinging it over his shoulder to carry.

Zayn starts off on the path that leads into town. Liam trailing after him.

“You know where I live?” Liam asks.

“Uh...well you told me once.”

“When?”

“Like three years ago...in swimming class.”

Liam starts laughing, “How the hell do you remember that? I don’t even remember being in swim class with you!”

Zayn shrugs, “I don’t know. Just remember lots of weird things.”

When they get to Liam’s house Zayn sees a house like theres. A front door they don’t really use, a door that leads from the outside to the kitchen, and when they get inside a place to kick off their shoes by the back door. They made their way through the kitchen with it’s big dining table and to the front hall where a small set of stairs that lead up to the second floor.

“Are your parents home?” Zayn asks.

“Nope, but in case they get home before you leave their names are Geoff and Karen. Most likely they’ll be at the uni till late since dad’s doing a postgrad and mum’s a professor.”

“What’s your dad studying?”

“Egyptology.”

“Are you Egyptian?” 

Liam shakes his head, “No, but my dad loves it. He’s doing a huge research project right now so he’s at the library a lot.”

“What’s it about?”

“The role of Ma’at in ancient Egypt and how it’s applied to modern day philosophy about democratic society.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Ma’at is the concept of fate and universal balance.”

“Cool I think we have something like that in Islam. I’m not sure since we’re not really practicing Islamics and all. Haven’t read the Quran in years,” Zayn babbles.

Liam smiles.

They get to Liam’s room and Zayn puts his school blazer on a chair. He looks around for a place to sit, but Liam tells him he can sit on the bed.

“It won’t bite,” Liam says.

Zayn gives him a small smile as he sits down, “What do you want to do?”

Liam shrugs.

“Do you want any alcohol?”

Liam looks at him in shock, “W-why?”

“We could play a game...like we catch a show and every time something happens we have to take a shot.”

“Oh...yeah. It can be a long game. I don’t really get wasted. Do you drink a lot?”

“Some...not a lot. Guess you can call me a lightweight.”

“I like dark rum. I can get some,” Liam says. He moves out of room, “Wait here.” 

While Liam’s gone Zayn looks around the room. It’s simple with a TV with an Xbox hooked up, desk, bed, and dresser. A door that’s probably the closet and bunny curtains on the window making Zayn chuckle to himself.

As he waits he thinks about if Liam’s had anyone else up here, girl or boy. He thinks about the girls he’s tried to date, but they weren’t what he wanted. He dated them all to make it look like he was into them, but really he wasn’t. They were all sweet and nice, but something was missing. That something being they weren’t a boy. Their lips were soft and sweet, but it just wasn’t enough. Also as they were getting older the girls wanted more. More than just hand holding and kissing. They wanted sex something that Zayn wasn’t comfortable with.

The last girl he was with, Mandy, had been so upset with him when she tried to touch him. She asked why he didn’t want to be touched, but Zayn didn’t have an answer just pushed her away. The next day she broke up with him.

Liam shakes Zayn from his thoughts with a smile and the bottle of rum and a bottle of coke, “Rum and coke?”

“Yeah that’d be great.”

Liam quickly mixes in what is too much rum for Zayn into a glass before putting the coke in and handing him the cup. Zayn takes a small sip making a face as the alcohol burns the back of his throat.

“What should we watch? My sisters have some DVDs of shows if you want or we can watch something on Netflix,” Liam asks coming to sit down next to Zayn.

“We can watch whatever. I’m not picky.”

“ _Family Guy_? We can drink whenever Meg talks.”

“Sounds good.”

Liam moves off the bed on over to the Xbox moving things around before finding the DVD he was looking for and putting it in. He makes sure it’s working before coming to sit with Zayn.

“Hope you’re ready to get drunk,” Liam comments.

Zayn’s giggling at the video game they’re playing, but he’s failing miserably at and Liam’s laughing at him, “You’re drunk.”

“No I’m not.”

“You’re such a lightweight!” Liam says laughing again when Zayn tries to hit him in the arm, but misses.

“You’re too good. I can’t beat you!” Zayn puts his head on Liam’s shoulder.

“You tried?”

“No,” Zayn replies. He moves his head, “You have nice hair.”

“You like my hair?”

“Yeah...it’s all floppy and curly.”

Liam blushes.

“You’re pretty.”

“I’m pretty?” Liam questions.

“Yeah,” Zayn sighs, “Blushing when I say I like your hair and all.”

Liam rolls his eyes, “This is not the Zayn Malik everyone talks about.”

“What do you mean?”

Liam shrugs, “Just people talk about you. Like don’t you pull at all the year-eleven parties?”

“I don’t...they come to me. I don’t mean to pull anyone.”

Liam laughs, “So they pounce on you then?”

“Yes!” Zayn’s eyes go big, “They pounce on me! All the time!”

Liam laughs more, “You’re not like what people say Zayn.”

“What do they say?”

“Stuff...nothing too bad. Just like you’re full of yourself.”

“Who says that?”

“Um...some girls I heard in class.”

“But I’m nice to everyone and we all get along. I do nice things and I’m not mean to anyone,” Zayn says confused, “Who’s saying that?”

“Laura and Kate.”

“Oh...that’s not nice. Why’d they say that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do I come across stuck up?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

Liam sighs, “I don’t know...but I guess because you’re oo-ookin’.”

“I’m what?”

“Good looking!”

“You think I’m good looking?”

“I meant Laura and Kate do.”

“Oh,” Zayn lays back on the bed flicking his controller around and his character runs around on the screen.

“Zayn?”

“Yeah?”

“I-I think you’re good looking too,” Liam whispers.

Zayn sits up, “Oh...cool. I thought maybe that you, like, they did and you didn’t.”

Liam smiles, “Don’t be crazy!”

Zayn looks at Liam through his eyelashes and puts his controller down. Liam looks at him doing the same. They move together and soon are kissing. Liam pushes Zayn down on his bed breaking their kiss. Zayn giggles.

“Such a lightweight,” Liam comments touching his hair.

Zayn smiles looking into Liam’s eyes and moves so he can catch Liam’s lips with his. Liam’s hands make their way down Zayn’s body touching him as he explores the skin his fingers touch. His hand ends up on the front of Zayn’s school pants and he stops. He can feel Zayn half hard. He rubs lightly and Zayn lets out a small breath.

Zayn’s hands move up above his head as Liam’s hands are all over him. He let’s Liam do what he wants. Can’t think about anything else. He catches Liam’s eyes with his and they both look down at where Liam’s hand is resting on Zayn. Liam’s hand moves to go to the base of Zayn’s member, but Zayn stops him with a hand on his wrist.

“Not yet.”

Liam can only nod. He moves his hand away and goes back to kissing Zayn. Zayn pulls him on top of his body and grinds into Liam. Zayn knows he can’t come, but Liam can. He grinds his thigh up between Liam’s legs letting him rub his hard member on to it. Liam’s breath becomes shorter as he rubs off. He comes quickly with his cheeks flushed and a straight back.

“I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to,” Liam stutters out.

“It’s fine...you might want to go clean up though,” Zayn replies. His eyes are half closed.

“Yeah, uh, yeah sounds good. I’ll, um, I’ll be back,” Liam says. He gets up from where he was laying on top of Zayn and moves out of his room.

Zayn doesn’t hear him come back in because he fell asleep.

* * *

The next morning Zayn wakes up not knowing where he is. He tries to open his eyes, but he can’t because his head hurts and the sun coming into the room makes it hard for him to see. There’s an arm around his waist and Zayn thinks back to where he was.

“Liam,” he breathes out and the body next to him stirs.

He’s at Liam’s. Fell asleep after they, well Liam, had gotten off. Drank a bunch of rum as well.

Zayn grabs his phone which is on the floor and looks at his messages. There’s one from his mum saying to have a nice night and he goes back to read a message that he sent her saying he was spending the night at Louis’. He knows he didn’t send it, so it must have been Liam who did.

Zayn moves to get out from under Liam and Liam stirs again opening his eyes a grumbles, “You’re awake?”

“Y-yeah,” Zayn starts to say, but then starts to feel sick, “Bathroom?”

“Across the hall.”

Zayn rushes out of the room into the bathroom making it to the toilet before he throws up. The rum from last night must have gotten to him more than he thought.

When he’s finished he flushes and washes his mouth out. He thinks about how he threw up this morning and the last time he threw up was the other morning before the pictures.

“Oh shit,” Zayn says to himself.

He moves back to Liam’s room and gathers his things. Making sure he’s quiet, but Liam’s still awake.

“Where you going?” Liam mumbles.

“I have to go.”

“Oh...you okay?”

“Yeah. Just remembered I have something to do today...my grandparents are coming over,” Zayn lies.

“Really?” Liam sits up letting the covers pool on his lap.

“Uh, well...no. I just feel sick. Sorry.”

“Did you drink too much?”

“Y-yeah. I should go. Don’t need to be ill all over your room or anything.”

“Oh...okay,” Liam grabs at Zayn’s arm before he can move away. He kisses his cheek, “I’ll see you.”

“Bye. Sorry,” Zayn says. He quickly moves down the stairs and over to where they’re shoes were by the back door. He makes it out of the house without seeing anyone else.

He makes his way home quickly. The pharmacy is close to his house so he stops there rather than the supermarket. People would be out at the market and they know his parents. They’d tell them what they saw Zayn buying.

The pharmacy is small and warm when he walks in. He doesn’t feel sick, which is a blessing, but his nerves aren’t helping. Slipping through the aisles to what he needs Zayn makes sure no one’s watching him. No one is and he takes a breath before he moves to the aisle he’s looking for.

The tests are next to the condoms. He picks one up at random and quickly makes his way to the counter.

“Hey Zayn!”

He looks up in shock. Standing in front of him is Laura.

“H-hi Laura.”

Laura smirks at him as she rings up the test. She puts it in a bag when she’s done, “Who’s the test for?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Well I didn’t see you dating anyone recently. Saw you hanging around Liam though. So like it can’t be him. So who’s the preggers test for?”

“No one. How much?”

“Fourteen pounds ninety-nine.”

Zayn hands here a twenty and she quickly gets his change. She hands the bag to him, “Just FYI we girl look out for one another. Don’t except to just leave her. Whoever she is.”

“I’m just buying a test! It doesn’t mean anything!”

“I’m just saying if whoever she is ends up with child don’t expect everyone to be happy about it.”

“Whatever...don’t tell anybody. It’s not for someone who know anyway.”

“Who are you sleeping with? Someone from St. James? Someone older?”

“No! Just leave it!” Zayn yells and walks out of the pharmacy.

When Zayn gets home he takes the test up to his room. He takes it out of the box and places it on his desk. He reads the instructions before he moves to bathroom. Pee on the stick and then wait three minutes. Plus sign it’s a yes, negative sign it’s a no.

Zayn hears his mum and Niall downstairs playing around, which helps so they won’t be beating on the door while he wants for the test to finish.

He unzips and gets the stick in place before peeing on the section that he needs to. He places the stick on the sink while he wants for the results.

* * *

Zayn walks down the stairs and into the kitchen where Niall and his mum are. Niall is pretending to be a robot and talks like one.

Zayn clears his throat making them look up.

“Hello Zayn,” Niall says in a robot voice.

“Hey sweetie. Have a nice time at Louis’ last night?” his mum asks.

“Y-yeah it was fun. Um, can I talk to you?”

“What’s going on? You tried?”

“No not tried. Just can I talk to you...with Niall?”

Niall nods, “I’ll go get my Xbox set up, yeah? We can play once you’re done talking to mum!”

Zayn only nods as Niall runs out of the kitchen and up the stairs to his room.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Tricia asks.

“Mum...” Zayn replies. He moves to sit at the chair that’s next to hers.

“Sweetie whatever is it’s okay.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“Mum,” Zayn whines and he starts to cry. Tricia takes Zayn into her arms cuddling him close like a small child.

“Honey, you can tell me anything. We can talk about whatever you want. I’m here,” Tricia says soothing back Zayn’s hair and kissing his head.

Zayn pulls away from her wiping his eyes with the back of hand, “Mum...fuck...Sorry I didn’t mean to swear. I’m just...”

“Deep breath. Tell me when you’re ready.”

Zayn does as he’s told before he says, “I’m pregnant.”

Tricia looks like a deer in headlights. Her eyes are big and her mouth agape, “No. No...you’re can’t be.”

Zayn starts crying again saying over and over again, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has talk of abortion. It could be triggering for some. If it will trigger you PLEASE DO NOT READ.

Tricia instantly pushes Zayn off of her, “We need to tell your father.”

“N-no please. I can’t tell him,” Zayn sobs.

Tricia grabs his arm and leads him up the stairs. He’s not walking carefully and without his mum’s hand grabbing his arm Zayn would’ve fallen.

Niall’s in his room and sees hears them pass, “Zayn you going to play with me now?”

“Not now. He’s helping mummy,” Tricia answers for him.

His father’s in his office and when the door opens he looks up in surprise, “Yaser...your son has something to tell you.”

“Mum please.”

“Zayn tell him.”

Zayn takes a deep breath and tries to say something, but nothing come out. His mother gets irritated and tells Yaser, “He’s pregnant.”

Yaser looks at Zayn, “Are you sure?”

Zayn nods, “Y-yes.”

“Have you gone to a doctor?”

“I went to see Dr. Verma a couple of months ago. She gave me the morning after pill.”

“But it didn’t work?”

“I think I threw up. I didn’t know at the time. Remember when I threw up in the sink?”

“I can’t believe this is happening. Zayn how could you let this happen?” Tricia says.

Yaser doesn’t let her question get answered because he asks Zayn, “Did you like Dr. Verma?”

“She was nice.”

“I’ll call her then. See if we could get an appointment with her later today,” Yaser replies and is already picking up the phone.

Zayn and Tricia listen to Yaser on the phone,” Can it be for today?...Yes that would be perfect. Thank you and if you can make it discreet because of the campaign, yes, thank you. We’ll see you then.”

Zayn rolls his eyes when he hears his father talk about the election.

Yaser hangs up, “Today, three pm.”

“How could you let this happen?” Tricia asks again.

“It was an accident,” Zayn mutters.

“Zayn it’s okay. These things happen,” Yaser says in his defense.

“No.” Tricia says.

“What?” Yaser replies.

“These things just ‘don’t happen.’”

“Teenagers get pregnant. It happens all the time.”

“Who did you have sex with?” Tricia demands from Zayn.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Zayn replies.

“We’ll talk about it later. For now let’s get changed and ready for the appointment. Zayn do you want to come down to lunch...or I can bring you some toast,” Yaser says trying to keep the peace.

“I just want to lay down,” Zayn replies.

“That’s fine. I’ll come get you when it’s time to leave.”

Zayn leaves his father’s office, but he hears his father say to his mother, “Should I tell Steve about this?”

Zayn sighs to himself. Having his father tell his campaign advisor about his pregnancy would be more people than he wants to know.

* * *

A few hours later Yaser comes up to collect Zayn. He’s changed out of his school uniform and into a sweater and jeans. Yaser puts a hand on Zayn’s shoulder giving him a gentle squeeze to show his support.

Tricia and Niall are already in the car and Zayn drops himself into the back seat with Niall.

“What’s wrong?” Niall asks his brother.

“I’m sick,” Zayn lies.

“How sick?”

“Sick enough that I have to go to the doctor.”

“Why do mum and dad have to go with you?”

“Niall that’s enough. Leave Zayn alone,” Tricia says.

“But mum why are both of you going with him? When I’m sick it’s only you who takes me.”

“Niall I said that’s enough. If you don’t stop I’m taking the Xbox away.”

Niall huffs and crosses his arms in defeat.

They drop Niall off at Mike and Lisa’s. Zayn closes his eyes while they’re there so he doesn’t have to look at there house.

Once they leave Tricia sighs out, “This is insanity.”

“Tricia please.”

“How could you let this happen? What were you thinking?”

Zayn looks at his mum and just shrugs.

“Did you just _shrug_?”

“Tricia I said enough!” Yaser yells.

“It’s just...I thought you liked girls,” Tricia says to Zayn not paying much attention to her husband.

Yaser sighs, “Do you want to keep it?”

“No,” Zayn replies. It’s the first word he’s spoken to either of his parents since they got in the car.

“Yaser! That’s not something you ask him. Why would you ask that?” Tricia asks.

“I just wanted to make sure. He said no.”

“Well that’s a relief...Zayn stop chewing on your sleeve.”

Zayn looks down and sees his sweater sleeve in his mouth. He didn’t even know he had put it in his mouth.

They pull into the clinic and Yaser cuts the engine. Tricia sighs again, “This can’t be happening.”

Yaser gives her a look.

“He’s only sixteen,” Tricia says to him, “Who has he been sleeping with?”

“Tricia...please...”

“It’s something we need to know. We need to know who the father is. Who are you sleeping you? Do you have a boyfriend?”

Zayn covers his face with his hands.

“Zayn, who are you sleeping with?”

“No one! Can we please just go?” Zayn snaps, “Can you stop asking me questions?”

“Don’t yell are your mum, Zayn. Accidents happen, but you’re not going to get away from being irresponsible and then yell at your mother because she’s upset. We are all upset, just as much as you, and your mum is dealing with it the best she can,” Yaser tells his son.

Zayn looks down at his hands not saying anything to his father.

“Now lets go in and see Dr. Verma,” Yaser says pushing his door open.

When they get into the office it’s quiet with no one there. Yaser goes up to the reception desk to check Zayn in then moves to sit next to him. Yaser places a hand on his knee to comfort him.

When the door opens and Dr. Verma comes out she walks to the desk and talks to the receptionist before looking over to see the Maliks. She nods and moves over to him. Yaser stands up, “I’m Yaser Malik. Thank you for seeing us on short notice.”

“It’s no problem, Mr. Malik,” Dr. Verma replies.

“Call me Yaser.”

“Archie. Follow me.”

The three Maliks follow the doctor to her office. Tricia and Yaser take seats on either side of Zayn who’s on the bed the doctor had last seen him three months ago.

“You’re sorry to drag you away from your normal patients,” Tricia says.

“It’s fine. We have drop in sessions on Saturday afternoons for postnatal mothers and babies.”

“Oh.”

“So...we, uh, wanted to see you because you saw Max a few months ago,” Yaser says.

Dr. Verma nods looking over to Zayn.

Yaser continues, “I just want to make sure that this can’t become public knowledge.”

“Public?” Dr. Verma replies confused.

“We just worried for Zayn about this getting out.”

“Is this about the campaign?”

“Well no, not exactly. Zayn is in trouble. The pill you gave him didn’t work. I’m not saying that there was anything wrong with it...just that Zayn thinks he might have thrown it up before it was digested.”

“Of course. I understand.”

“We came because we want to get this over with quickly and privately and to find out what Zayn’s options are.”

“I want know how this happened with Zayn’s condition,” Tricia adds.

“I’m sorry, but to clarify, Zayn’s pregnant?” Dr. Verma asks.

“Yes,” Yaser answers.

Zayn sighs thinking about how uncomfortable and tired he is. He wishes he didn’t have to be here with his parents.

“How could this happen?” Tricia asks.

Dr. Verma pulls a chair up, “Being intersex doesn’t mean you’re infertile. Intersex people are least likely to be infertile if they’ve have surgery to “correct” their genitals. Since surgery is more common these days, more people with this condition are likely to not be able to get conceive.”

“We should’ve had the surgery,” Tricia says.

“Well not necessarily,” Dr. Verma replies.

“How long until he can have an abortion,” Tricia asks abandoning the topic.

“Two weeks not more than three.”

“It could be three?”

“It...might be. But with Zayn the doctors might decide to do it earlier rather than later.”

“Good,” Tricia says, “Do you think it would be better to go through a specialist in London? Will the doctors who do the abortion be specialists?”

“In general doctors in the UK don’t have much training with intersex people. Doctors who perform abortions will have lots of experience with dealing with a variety of anatomical configurations. Having looked through Zayn’s file it would be better to go with a doctor who knows what they’re doing. But with his condition if it would make you more comfortable for him to see a specialist-”

We’re not taking him to a specialist,” Yaser says cutting Dr. Verma off.

Tricia shoots him a look and they seem to have a whole conversation over Zayn’s head. Tricia turns back to Dr. Verma with defeat, “Well...”

“A lot has changed since Zayn was a baby,” Dr. Verma says, “Corrective surgery isn’t advocated in all cases anymore. They won’t do anything more than push for the abortion.”

“Thank you, but no. We don’t need a specialist. We weren’t happy with how they worked with Zayn in the past,” Yaser replies.

“How?” Zayn asks.

“We’ll talk about it at home,” Tricia says patting his knee. Zayn sighs and goes back to picking at his nails.

“Okay, so I’ll contact both clinics in the area and see which one has an opening,” Dr. Verma says.

“Why can’t I have it here?” Zayn asks.

“I’m afraid we don’t have the proper resources to do it safely here. So going to one of the clinics would be the best option.”

“Is there a chance they can perform an abortion and hysterectomy?” Tricia asks.

“Those aren’t usually done together,” Dr. Verma says as Yaser says, “We haven’t talked about that.”

“We probably should’ve a long time ago,” Tricia replies to her husband.

“It’s not necessary right now.”

“It’s relevant. Zayn’s pregnant. If he gets it done he can have a normal life. This can’t happen again in the future.”

Dr. Verma clears her throat, “Whether or not you consider a hysterectomy you should discuss this with Zayn at home. Do some research and talk about it detail.”

Zayn gives her a small smile. Tricia shakes her head in disagreement.

“Zayn,” Dr. Verma says getting his attention, “You should know that within the medical community and society as a whole, there is a lack of understanding about gender and sexuality. In cases like yours doctors might be willing to force surgeries, rather than help you decide on a gender. You need to be prepared.”

“Why does he have to decide?” Yaser asks.

“Or not decide. Whichever is most comfortable for him.”

Yaser nods, “That is sound advice. Zayn, we’ll talk about it more at home. Is that okay?”

Zayn looks to his father and nods.

“And when will we have time to talk about this?” Tricia asks, “Like Dr. Verma said doctors today are better than when he was a baby. They won’t have to study him like some animal.”

“Mum,” Zayn whines.

“Policies have changed. I’ve done research, but a lot of information about intersexuality is buried in research about transexuals. I’ve been looking for support groups, but there isn’t one for intersex people. I did find out for LGBT young people,” Dr. Verma says.

“LGBT?” Zayn asks confused.

“Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender.”

“Yeah I know what that means, but...that’s not me,” Zayn lies. He can’t add being gay to the list of things his parents found out today.

“I know,” Dr. Verma replies.

“What about a psychiatrist?” Tricia suggests.

“Why?” Zayn asks.

“To discuss things about your sexuality,” Tricia replies to her son.

“I don’t want to talk to anyone about who I am.”

“But you might be confused. I thought you liked girls but with this...”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!”

“Tricia, leave him alone. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone and we won’t force him to,” Yaser says.

Tricia sighs, “Fine. We’ll have the abortion here and we’ll think about the hysterectomy.”

“That sounds fine. Zayn?” Yaser asks.

“Okay.”

Dr. Verma goes over to the computer and types something in before clicking the mouse and turning back to Zayn and his parents, “I’ve contacted the clinics and they’ll get back to me about dates.”

“I’ve always wanted to know would Zayn’s baby have the same condition?” Yaser asks out of the blue.

“What?” Tricia and Zayn say in confusion.

“I mean...I just wondered.”

“If you knew I was like this would you of had me?” Zayn asks.

“What does it matter. You’re having an abortion,” Tricia comments. She turns to Dr. Verma, “How likely is this to happen again?”

“Why?” Yaser asks his wife.

“Because if there is a high chance of it to happen again he’ll have to get a hysterectomy.”

“Why?”

Dr. Verma once again interrupts their argument, “Zayn only has one fully working ovary. There’s no reason he’d be infertile.”

“Really?” Zayn says.

“Zayn stop talking,” Tricia says.

“Yes Zayn. The big surprise is that we don’t hear about it more often but that’s because babies with your type of intersexuality are most often operated on when they’re born. Because they present as male, they have surgery to be become male. That would mean that the ovaries and uterus are taken out,” Dr. Verma explains, “Like I said earlier your intersex type is known to be infertile, but not from the condition. It’s from the effects of surgery.”

“What type am I?”

“Zayn not now,” Tricia says trying to get Zayn to stop asking questions.

“No, but like am I a normal type?”

“Zayn you are normal!” Yaser says.

“How many types are there?” Zayn pushes through with his questioning.

“Zayn _enough_. We’ll talk about it at home,” Yaser says.

“Why? Why can’t we talk about it now? I want to know!” Zayn yells. His chest moving quickly as he breaths through his anger.

“If you want I can talk to Zayn about this in detail,” Dr. Verma says to Tricia and Yaser.

Tricia and Yaser look at one another.

“It’s important for a person as they get older to understand and know their genitalia, for hygiene reasons, as well as prevent accidents like this. Zayn needs the right contraception, some advice. Zayn if you want you can come in one day after school and I can answers any questions,” Dr. Verma tells him.

“Yeah, okay,” Zayn replies.

“Great we’ll take a look to when there’s an opening and put you down to come in before assessment.”

“Assessment?” Tricia questions.

“Zayn will need to have an assessment before he goes for the abortion.”

“Will it take long?”

“Not long at all. Standard procedure. They might give him an ultrasound.”

“Why will he need an ultrasound?”

“They’ll want to determine where the fetus, how big, and since Zayn has unique anatomy it’ll will help the doctor’s decide on what type of abortion he will get. Should we go over the options?”

Zayn nods his head in agreement.

“Right, so if the fetus is nine weeks or younger the procedure is simple, but that isn’t an option because of the time frame. A surgical termination can be performed from nine to thirteen weeks. You would be put under general anesthetic. A tube will go through the cervix into the womb and suction is used to terminate the pregnancy. I think this would be the option to go for,” Dr. Verma explains.

“What if...what if I wanted to wait a bit?” Zayn asks.

“For what?” Tricia asks.

“That’s a good question. If you were to wait from fourteen to nineteen weeks the procedure would pretty much be the same, but we call it a surgical dilation. The neck of the womb would be stretched open and the doctor uses forceps to get the fetus out.”

“And after that?”

“It won’t come to that.”

“I just want to know,” Zayn says pushing for more information.

“For termination between twenty and twenty-four weeks you’ll be give pills and the baby would pass through the vagina. It can be very painful. You’d be kept at hospital and give pain relief. The last option is surgery in the twenty to twenty-four weeks. Like before suctioning out the fetus would come, but first the womb is softened and the fetus’ heartbeat stopped.”

“I don’t want that.”

“Like I said you shouldn’t need to.”

“I think we should have the abortion as soon as possible,” Tricia interrupts.

“Are we ruling out the first option? Has it been over nine weeks?” Yaser asks.

Zayn shrugs.

“I think it’s been ten weeks since I saw Zayn,” Dr. Verma comments.

“Why did you wait so long?” Yaser asks.

Zayn shrugs again, “I didn’t know.”

“Why didn’t you use contraception? Condoms or the pill, something. Didn’t you know you could get pregnant?” Tricia asks her son.

Zayn just shrugs making Tricia and Yaser sigh and frown at him.

“Since we’re here we might as well pick up some protection. Don’t you think so Zayn?” Yaser asks.

“I don’t know.”

“Zayn?”

“Fine...yeah.”

Dr. Verma moves to a cabinet and puts condoms into a bag, “The hospital will probably get back to me this afternoon with the dates for the assessment and surgery.”

“That sound great...and remember please don’t say anything,” Yaser says standing from his seat.

Dr. Verma nods, “Of course I won’t. It was nice meeting you Mr. Malik, Mrs. Malik. Zayn I’ll see you soon.”

“Thank you,” Zayn says shaking her hand.


	14. Chapter 14

Zayn remembers when his parents told him he was intersex. He was six. They sat him down at the table and told him what it meant, well his father talked more than his mother, but he didn’t really care. They asked if he had any questions, but all he asked is if he could go play Power Rangers. They let him go.

The second time they had to talk about it was when he was thirteen. They had driven down to London to see the specialists and were sent home with hormone injections. His parents had argued the whole way home and Zayn was in tears by the time they got home. He ran straight to his room slamming the door while his parents yelled at each other in the back garden. He had cried himself to sleep that night. After that his parents didn’t talk about him being intersex.

And here they are. They’re son is pregnant.

They’re in the car driving home when his mother sighs, “Jesus.”

“You’ve said that five times now,” Yaser comments.

“What else am I suppose to say?”

“Let’s not do this now.”

Tricia sighs, “You’re right. When we get home you can go off to work and forget about the whole thing why I deal with it all.”

“That’s not what I meant. I’m not going to work.”

“We have the Rotary dinner tonight. We said we were going.”

“We can cancel.”

“We can’t cancel, Yaser. It’ll be something to think about other than this. We’re not going to be great parents staying home from a dinner. We’ve lost the good-parenting badge.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Yaser sighs. It’s a losing battle and he knows it.

Tricia sighs. She looks into the rearview mirror and sees Zayn huddled into himself in his seat. She can’t look at him right now without crying, so she turns her head away to look at her window.

“You already Zayn?” Yaser asks.

“Yeah,” Zayn mumbles.

Tricia shakes her head, “Jesus.”

* * *

By Wednesday Zayn nor his parents had talked about his pregnancy. With the MP campaign heating up and all the dinners they were suppose to attend there wasn’t a moment to seat down and discuss it.

Zayn was throwing up every morning before school, so his mother had been driving him and Niall to school.

Getting in the car Niall asks him, “Are you alright, Zayn?”

“Yeah, fine.”

After that it’s quiet and when they pull up to Niall’s school he says a quick goodbye. He pokes his head back into the car, “I said goodbye.”

“We heard you,” Tricia says.

“I love you guys.”

“Love you too, honey.”

Niall waits for Zayn to say something. When he doesn’t Niall says, “I love you, Zayn.”

“Love you,” Zayn mumbles.

That afternoon Zayn doesn’t go visit Niall in his room. He usually goes to see him to see how school went and to play a game or two on FIFA. Instead he goes to his room, shutting the door and lies in bed. 

There’s a knock on his door, but he doesn’t get up to answer. The door opens anyway and Niall steps into his room.

Zayn stays on his bed.

Niall moves over to him and stands in front of him. He gently touches his arm, “Zayn?”

Zayn doesn’t move, so Niall’s hand goes up to nose blocking Zayn from breathing and Zayn snaps out of it, “What are you doing?”

“I was checking to see if you were breathing.”

“Well I was before you put your hand there!”

“Sorry...what’s going on with you?” Niall asks.

“Nothing.”

“I’m not stupid.”

“It doesn’t concern you, Niall.”

“I know, but...I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine.”

Niall sits down next to Zayn, “Please, Zayn, are you dying? Please tell me if you are.”

“What?”

Niall’s hand comes up to his forehead, “You have a temperature!”

“No! I’m fine...look it was just because I was laying in my bed and it was warm. I’m fine. Come here,” Zayn says and pulls Niall down to lay with him, “I’m not dying. I’m not even ill.”

“But you’re sad and you’ve been sick all week!”

“I’m just tired is all. Lots going on at school making my tummy be poorly. Nothing to worry about.”

“Do you want to sleep? That usually helps.”

Zayn nods, “Yeah.”

“Can I sleep with you in your bed?”

“Sure...wait let’s go to yours,” Zayn says sitting up.

“Why?”

“Because your bed is comfier.”

“Oh...okay,” Niall gets off of Zayn’s bed and Zayn follows him. They move into Niall’s room shutting the door and they get in Niall’s bed.

“You promise you’re not dying?” Niall asks as they lay side by side.

“I promise. Now sleep,” Zayn replies shutting his eyes.


	15. Chapter 15

Zayn sees Liam at school that day. It’s near the end of lunch and he, Louis, and Harry are coming out of the music room where they were messing around on instruments. Harry had been banging on the drums giving Zayn a slight headache.

“Hey Liam!” Louis says to the boy.

“Leeyum, what’s going on?” Harry asks.

Liam gives them a small smile, “Hey.”

“We’ve got to go. Got that thing,” Louis says to Zayn and Liam.

“Yeah the thiiiiiiiing,” Harry says, “See you.”

Zayn watches his friends walk off without saying goodbye.

“Sorry about them...they’re weird,” Zayn tells Liam.

Liam smiles, “It’s alright.”

They’re quiet. Looking at one another. Liam looks around making sure no one’s around before he puts an arm around Zayn’s neck and pulling him closer.

“I’ve missed you.”

“Missed you too,” Zayn breathes out. Even with everything going on he still wants to have Liam around. 

“Why are you so shy today? It’s only me.”

Zayn shrugs, “Don’t want to get caught.”

Liam rubs his nose against Zayn’s, “No one’s around.”

Zayn looks around himself and when he sees that Liam isn’t lying he puts an arm around Liam’s waist. They each have smiles on their faces as they move into one another to kiss. Lips connecting letting Zayn sigh. This is what he needs. To not worry about being pregnant or what’s happening with his dad’s campaign.

They break apart and Liam kisses Zayn quickly once more, “You look pretty today.”

“Pretty?”

“Yeah, pretty.”

Zayn gives Liam a confused look. Being called pretty isn’t something that happens. He thinks about if Liam knew that what he really was. Would be still think Zayn was pretty...or handsome...or even like him.

“Zayn...where’d you go? Dreaming of me?”

Zayn smiles, “Something like that.”

“Do you want to come around tonight?”

Zayn shakes his head, “I can’t. Got a dinner for my dad’s campaign.”

Liam huffs, “Another wine and dine dinner. Schmoozing phase of the campaign.”

“Something like that.”

“Well if you can get out of a dinner something come over, yeah? Since my house is so big and lonely with my parents and sisters being gone all the time.”

Zayn smiles, “I remember that.”

The bell rings signaling the end of lunch.

“Better get to class,” Zayn comments.

“Yeah,” Liam sighs. He moves in and kisses Zayn quickly, “See you soon.”

“Later.”

* * *

Zayn meets up with Louis and Harry after school. They don’t have football practice, a rarity, so they’re going to go over to Louis’ to hang out.

“Zayn you coming?” Louis asks.

“I can’t. I have a dinner for my dad tonight.”

“Another one?”

“He’s running for MP. He has to meet people.”

“And you have to go with him? You haven’t hung out with us in so loooong,” Harry whines.

“I know. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Harry sighs, “You’re boring. You don’t hang out with us anymore because of your dad...or Liam.”

“Yeah what’s with you and Liam anyway?” Louis adds.

Zayn’s breathe hitches, “W-what do you mean?”

“I mean you seem to like to spend time with him more than us. You act like we don’t see you always talking to him and stuff,” Louis explains.

“It’s nothing. We’re just friends. Nothing else. JUST FRIENDS.”

“Woah, I didn’t mean you were snogging each other. Calm down. Just find it weird that you all of sudden took a liking to him since you didn’t talk to him at all last year.”

“Well it’s nothing so drop it. Can’t I have friends outside of you two?”

“Course you can!” Harry says.

Zayn breathes in relief. His and Liam’s relationship is safe for now, “I promise to hang out with you two soon. Just crazy right now with my dad’s campaign. I promise once it’s over everything will be back to normal.”

Louis dramatically sighs, “Fine.”

“I’ve got to go. I’ll see you guys tomorrow. We’ve got practice and all.”

“See you Malik.”

“Later, Z.”

* * *

The next day at practice there’s the group of girls and Liam sitting on the bleachers watching. Zayn looks up every so often to see Liam looking right at him with a smile. Zayn smiles back a couple of times before going back to playing football.

Mr. Harvey is being extra loud with his insults today calling Zayn on every little thing. Zayn gives him a dirty look or two but doesn’t say anything since he wants to stay as captain.

Zayn gets out of breath easily so he bends over while the ball isn’t near. Mr Harvey yells at him, “Get up Malik! What’s the problem? Start running!”

Zayn tries to take a deep breathe, but it’s hard. He looks up to see Mr. Harvey moving over to him.

“Get up you wimp!”

Zayn glares at him, “I’m trying.”

“Doesn’t look like it you pansy! Start playing or you’re benched next game.”

Zayn stands straight up and looks over at Liam. Liam looks at him with concern.

“Stop looking at your boyfriend and get a move on!” Mr. Harvey yells.

Zayn’s face goes red with anger, but before he can say anything to the teacher he turns and throws up all over the grass.

“Oh great,” Mr. Harvey says.

Louis and Harry run over to check on Zayn. “You alright mate?” Louis asks.

Zayn nods, “Think so.”

“Detention all of you! You’re making a mockery of this team.”

Louis glares at him, “Fuck you.”

“Two weeks detention for you Tomlinson!”

“Come on Zayn. Let’s get to the nurse,” Harry says.

The other boys on the team move around Zayn to make sure Mr. Harvey can’t say anything more to him. They shout and protest Zayn’s detention while he walks away. Liam moves from his spot and starts walking towards him.

“You okay?” Liam asks.

Zayn looks up at him with glassy eyes. His face ashen.

“Give him some room,” Louis says blocking Liam.

They all move to the nurse’s office. Zayn sits outside the door as they wait for the nurse to come back from the bathroom.

“You okay?” Liam asks again coming around Louis.

“Just a stitch. Should be fine.”

“You look like you’re about to be sick again.”

“I’m fine. Louis, Harry go back to playing. I’ll be fine,” Zayn says to his two friends.

“I’m not going back out to the prick,” Harry says.

“Go. Liam’s here,” Zayn replies.

“If you need us, uh, Liam can come get us, yeah?” Louis asks more to Liam than Zayn.

“Yeah I’ll come get you guys if anything’s wrong,” Liam answers.

“See you later,” Louis says and pushes Harry back in the direction of the field.

Liam sits next to Zayn and puts a hand on his back, “You look like you’re going to be sick again.”

Zayn shakes his head, “I’m fine...just hurts.”

Laura and her friends walk by and Laura asks with a smile, “Sympathy pains Zayn?”

Zayn looks up at her with anger in his eyes, “I’m fine. Just a footie thing.”

The girls giggle.

Zayn rolls his eyes, “By the way, Emma, thanks for that rumor you started.”

She giggles again, “You’re welcome.”

“What rumor?” Liam asks.

“Nothing that I can’t handle,” Zayn replies.

“See you around Zayn,” Laura says to him. She and the other girls walk off giggle to one another.

“What was that about?” Liam asks Zayn once the girls are further down the hall.

“Nothing,” Zayn lies. _About how I got a pregnancy test and Laura thought it was for some girl, but it was really for me and I’m pregnant._ Zayn thinks to himself.

The nurse comes back and smiles at the boys, “Which one of you is hurt?”

“He is,” Liam says pointing to Zayn.

“Come on it. Take a seat and I’ll get you all fixed up,” the nurse says.

Zayn walks behind the nurse and takes a seat on one of the beds.

“I’m going to go get your stuff,” Liam quickly says and moves down the hall before Zayn can say anything else.

* * *

Liam catches up with the girls and he pulls Laura aside, “What’s the rumor?”

“What rumor?” she asks back.

“The one about Zayn. He said Emma started it.”

“Oh,” Laura smiles, “ _that_ rumor...well I was working last Saturday at the pharmacy and Zayn came in and bought a pregnancy test.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not! I rang him up and everything.”

“W-why would he need that?”

“Maybe he was buying it for a friend. I don’t know. Ask him.”

“Does everyone know?”

Laura shrugs, “I just told my friends.”

“And when was this again?”

“Saturday morning.”

“But he spent the night at my place Friday,” Liam replies. He’s in disbelief. Could Zayn really be playing him?

“Maybe some girl texted him. I mean what’s it to you?”

“I should go. Uh, thanks for telling me.”

“No problem! And if you find out who the girl is tell us yeah?”

“Yeah whatever,” Liam answers. He moves out the doors and to the field where the football team is back practicing.

* * *

The nurse can’t get ahold of either of Zayn’s parents. His mum in court for some case while his father isn’t answering his mobile.

“You can stay here until the late bus,” the nurse tells him.

Zayn weakly nods before he throws up in the bucket she gave him.

Liam comes back with his bag and backpack.

“Thanks,” Zayn weakly says to him.

“No problem...uh I’ve got to go, yeah? Something came up,” Liam replies.

“Oh,” Zayn says hurt, “Okay...I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Uh, yeah. See you,” Liam replies. He leaves the nurses office without a glance back to Zayn.

Zayn falls back on the bed and sighs. He’s stuck in the office until one of parents comes or the late bus is leaving, which isn’t for another hour.

The hour passes and when his parents don’t call back the nurse lets him go telling him to drink fluids and eat something to ease his stomach. He nods and leaves.

Walking to the bus Maria stops him, “I heard about stuff. If you need advice or anything you can talk to me.”

“Advice? About what?” Zayn asks her confused.

“About abortions and stuff.”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “For fuck sake, it’s a rumor! It isn’t true!”

“But everyone said Laura saw you buy the test!”

“That part’s true, but I was buying if for a friend. It wasn’t for me or anyone I’ve been with. Not that, that is any of your business! So can you please tell everyone?”

Maria stares at him, “Yeah, yeah I’ll let them know. I’m sorry, Zayn.”

Zayn sighs, “It’s fine...well it’s not, but yeah. Uh I’ve got to catch the bus.”

“Oh right. See you Zayn.”

Zayn says a goodbye before walking to the bus and sitting down with a sigh.

* * *

When Zayn gets home his mum is in his room waiting for him. She’s reading a book titled, _Gender and Sexuality: What Parents Should Know_.

“Oh Zayn you’re home,” Tricia says when she sees him. She puts the book down.

“Hi mum,” he mumbles.

“I, uh, thought you might like to talk about things.”

“Gender and Sexuality maybe?”

“Yes, if that’s alright with you.”

“What the fuck would I?”

“Zayn, please don’t yell. I just thought we could discuss things. You might be confused about your gender. Not feeling really like a boy.”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “Is this shit on Zayn day?”

“Sweetheart, I just thought you might want to talk about things. You know there have been many intersex children who reject the gender they were assigned.”

“Oh my God just because I’m pregnant it _doesn’t_ mean I’m confused!”

“I didn’t know you were dating boys. I read it can be hard for people to come out, but I want to let you know if you are gay it’s okay.”

“Mum. I don’t want to talk! I’m not dating anyone! Girl or boy! Fuck, haven’t you been here my whole life? Do I have to spell it out for you? Do you think I’ve been living a lie the whole time? That I’m covering up some secret obsession with dolls and Justin Bieber? I don’t! Okay? I’m not here pretending that I like video games and football!”

“Zayn, please. You don’t talk to me. I don’t know anything more. I feel like I don’t you know more.”

“I have nothing to tell you! I’ve said everything that needs to be said!”

“I’m just saying that you don’t have to accept your male gender. If you want to be female you can. I mean with everything going on...have you been feeling differently?”

“No I haven’t. Now get out of my room! I don’t want to talk anymore!” Zayn shoves her out the door, “And don’t come in my room without knocking!” He slams the door.

He hears his father coming to his door, “Did you slam the door Zayn?” comes his muffled voice.

“Don’t,” Tricia says to Yaser.

“I’ve got people downstairs. He can’t be yelling and slamming doors.”

“Pregnancy hormones.”

“That’s always the excuse. Pregnancy hormones,” Yaser says, “What’s that in your hand?”

“Nothing.”

“Tricia what is that book?”

Zayn hears his mother sigh, “I thought maybe we could discuss his gender and if maybe he wanted to, you know-”

Yaser cuts her off, “Is that why Zayn slammed his door?”

“I was just trying to help! Both of you just growl at me about it! I just was trying to have a discussion.”

“You’re overreacting. It’s upsetting him. Let him me. He doesn’t have to choose gender or sexuality or anything. He’s fine as he is as long as you leave him alone!” Yaser yells, “I’m sorry. I’m just tired.”

“I’m tired too. Tired of picking up after him and fixing his mistakes. I’ve been trying for sixteen years to makes everything perfect and then he goes and does this!”

“Calm down! This is the first and only thing he’s done wrong! It’ll be over soon and everything will go back to normal. Just because he’s pregnant doesn’t mean he wants to change his gender. He’s still Zayn.”

“He’s gay.”

Zayn breath stops. His mum called him gay. She knows and he doesn’t want her to know or his father to know or anyone to know really. He can’t have everyone finding out because the next thing they find out is that he’s pregnant.

“Come into the bedroom and we’ll talk. I can’t have everyone hearing this,” Yaser says.

Zayn hears his parents move down the hall and their bedroom door close.

Zayn sniffs, wiping at his face. Tears are falling down his cheeks quicker than he can wipe at them.


	16. Chapter 16

The next night Zayn gets to stay home with Niall while their parents go out to another party. This one is adults only, so they left the boys behind. Zayn had ordered pizza and promised to play video games with Niall the whole night.

They’re playing some zombie game and Niall’s beating Zayn’s ass by a lot when Niall random asks, “Are okay with what you wear?”

Zayn looks over at him forgetting the game, “What?”

“Are you okay with what you’re wearing? You know t shirt, trainers, and chinos.”

“I know what I’m wearing. Why are you asking? And don’t call them chinos. That’s gay.”

“Like homosexual?”

Zayn pauses the game and Niall looks over at him, “No...it’s like when people think something’s stupid they call it gay. But I shouldn’t say it because it’s not nice. To gay people, I mean.”

“Why?”

“Well...it’s like you’re saying their lame and stupid, but they’re not. They’re not like the word ‘chinos’.”

“But what do you call them?”

Zayn unpauses the game, “I don’t know. Trousers...but not chinos. That’s just a dumb word.”

“Does it make me gay?”

“Does what make you gay?”

“Saying chinos...because I said something gay.”

“No. No you’re not gay. Don’t think that. Just forget it.”

“What would make me gay?”

“Liking boys.”

“Do you like boys?”

Zayn groans pausing the game again, “Oh my God!”

“What?”

“Nothing...but if I do like boys would you be mad?”

Niall looks at him curious, “I don’t know...should I?”

“No. No you should love people no matter what.”

“Oh...then no. You’re my brother and I love you no matter who you like.”

Zayn gives him a smile, “I love you, too.”

“So does that mean you like boys?”

Zayn shrugs, “No...yes. I mean I love you, but that doesn’t mean that means I like boys. But I do. I do like boys. Just not you. Well not like that. Why do you ask?”

“Cause mum was talking about stuff. Talking about how if you were a girl and wore dresses, or if you were gay and stuff. I heard her talking to dad.”

“She wasn’t serious!” Zayn yells, “She was joking!”

“But why would she joke about that?”

“Because she’s insane...she as serious mental issues.”

“Really?” Niall’s eyes go big in concern.

“No I mean...look she’s insane, but not really insane. She’s not some problems, but nothing serious.”

“Does she think you want to be a girl?”

Zayn blushes, “Kind of.”

“But you can’t be girl,” Niall protests.

“Why?”

“You’re a boy...it would be impossible.”

“Well...yeah.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Tell me!” Niall says.

“Another time, yeah?” Zayn replies and unpauses the game. He kills two zombies before Niall’s playing again.

They play, but it’s eating away at Zayn that he wants to talk to Niall more about things. Not about himself and his “problem”, but about being gay. He pauses the game.

“I was just about to blow up the HQ! Why’d you pause it?” Niall says hitting Zayn lightly on the arm.

“I have something important to tell you.”

“Oh...what is it?”

“Well...sometimes men like to dress up as women and women like to dress up like men.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Because sometimes people feel like they’ve been born in the wrong body.”

“Have they?”

“Err, I don’t know. But just like they feel that way and want to dress the way they feel. To look like they want and act the way they want. Sometimes they even have operations.”

“Operations?”

“Like...on their stuff. You know their bits...down there.”

“Gross!”

“Yeah anyway-”

Niall cuts Zayn off, “How?”

“How what?”

“How the operations? Like what do they do?”

“Uh, well if a guy wants to be a woman he’d have his thing, uh, taken off, and they would make lady parts.”

“Gross.”

“It’s not gross!”

“It’s so disgusting!”

“Will you shut up? No it isn’t. Some people are born with something they don’t want so they decide to change it.”

“Still gross.”

“No, it’s like plastic surgery. Like if someone wanted a nose job, they get it.”

“That’s disgusting too!”

“It’s not!”

“Is that what happens to your bits?”

“What? No you can’t a nose job on your crotch. Jesus! I wanted to play video games not discuss this shit,” Zayn says frustrated with his little brother.

“You swore.”

“So? Is that all you got from this talk? I was telling you about how some people are born wrong and they feel sad or wrong until they get put right. Bad things happen when...when people feel that way. So they have stuffed removed so they’re not sad anymore. You wouldn’t want to be sad, would you?”

“No...I don’t like being sad.”

Zayn takes a deep breath that calms himself, “Okay. Well then sometimes these are times when like that people can choose to be a boy or girl when they’re both.”

“There’s people that are half boy and half girl?”

“Uh...kind of.”

“I want to meet someone like that. I wonder what they look like.”

“Yeah.”

“Probably be totally weird.”

Zayn feels himself start to sweat, “Um...yeah.”

“So why do they have to choose?”

“To be a boy or girl?”

Niall nods.

Zayn shrugs, “They just do. It’s how things are.”

“How?”

Zayn groans, “Oh my God! I don’t know. So like when they have to fill out a form with male or female, or the bathrooms, or change rooms, even clothes and stuff. When you play at school and it’s boys versus girls or when you have to wear a school uniform. Like when they get married they can’t have a same sex marriage because it’s not legal in some countries.”

“Isn’t it?”

“It’s weird and people don’t know how to treat someone who’s halfway in between. Like they think you’re fucking with them and it’s hard to just normal. And...”

“You said the F-word.”

“Sorry.”

“Okay, so you’re a boy and you don’t want to be girl?” Niall asks going back to his original question.

“No, I don’t want to be a girl.”

“You want to be a boy?”

“Um...”

“Well like when we play this game you always pick the girl, so you do want to be a girl?”

Zayn doesn’t reply. He sighs and looks at the paused game on the screen.

“Sorry,” Niall whispers.

“No. I mean it’s okay...but no I don’t want to be a girl like from the game.”

“Then why do you pick her when we play?”

“Um...I don’t know. I just do. Can you stop asking me questions? I just want to play!”

“You’re yelling at me,” Niall pouts.

“Well stop asking stupid questions.

Niall throws his controller down on the floor and crosses his arms over his chest, “Well you give stupid answers!” He picks the controller back up and throws it at Zayn. It catches his eyebrow leaving a red mark, “Get out of my room! I don’t want to talk to you.”

Zayn grabs at Niall, but he pulls away, “Get out! Get out! Get out!”

“Hey stop it!” Zayn yells back trying to calm him down.

Zayn gets a hold of his arm and Niall kicks at him. Zayn’s grip doesn’t leave and Niall kicks harder.”

“Hey Niall calm down! I’m sorry okay? It’s all right!”

“I don’t want a sister! I want a brother!” Niall yells his face going red and tears forming in his eyes.

“I know, I know. I’m not going to be your sister. I’m your brother,” Zayn says. Niall kicks him again, “Ow stop kicking me!”

Zayn lets go of Niall and moves over to the TV to turn it off. Niall’s still screaming at him. He doesn’t see Niall picking up a book and it hits him on the forehead. Zayn moves to cover his stomach, “I told you I was sick and my tummy was hurt. Why do you keep kicking me?”

Niall stops screaming, but his chest is heaving.

“I can’t handle you when you’re like this,” Zayn says.

“Yes you can.”

“You really hurt me.”

“You’re big though.”

“I’m not that big.”

“You’re big like mum and dad.”

“No...”

“Yes you are!”

“I am by size wise, but I’m way younger. You can’t yell at me and kick me, it hurts. I’m not old enough to deal with it. I don’t have the energy to fight you. You can’t ask me to do that. I’m not your parent,” Zayn quietly says.

“You’re old enough to be one.”

“No! I’m not!” Zayn yells back.

Niall looks stunned, but he moves over to Zayn and puts an arm around him, “Okay you’re not.”

Zayn starts crying. He pushes Niall’s arm off of himself and gets up walking out of Niall’s room and into his. He closes the door behind himself crying all the way to his bed.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember how I said I'd be using information/dialogue from the book? Well this is the chapter with A LOT of stuff from the book. I'm no doctor or whatever so I used a lot of Dr. Verma's dialogue from the book in this chapter. In no way am I trying to plagiarize. I just needed to explain Zayn's condition with all the scientific stuff, so I used what was in the book. Hope you enjoy this chapter as Zayn FINALLY finds out a lot about himself.

The next morning Zayn bunks off school to go see Dr. Verma. He sits in her office waiting for her to arrive. When she does he scares her when he says, “I want to know.”

“Jesus, Zayn, you scared me!” Dr. Verma says back jumping back. She puts her coat on the rack by the door. She moves over to her desk moving files around to clean it up a bit, “What are you doing here? We have an appointment next week.”

“But I want to know now.”

She sighs, “You have to schedule an appointment. I have other patients to see today and can’t cancel on them to talk to you. I know what’s happening is overwhelming-”

“Please! I have to know!” Zayn yells, “Please. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t know anything. I’ve never asked anyone, never thought much about it...but now. I just want to know...please.”

Dr. Verma looks at her schedule before sighing to herself and closing the door, “What do you want to know?”

“I want to know if I’m a boy or girl.”

“You’re neither.”

“I googled it. I know I have to be one or the other. Intersex means that you don’t look like a boy or girl to the doctor. It doesn’t mean you aren’t one.”

“That’s...not always true,” Dr. Verma says finally taking her seat behind her desk.

“I’m sorry not busting in.”

“It’s fine. How are things at home?”

Zayn makes a face like Dr. Verma is stupid.

“Right...Zayn before we talk about this I want to ask. The boy who assaulted you...has it happened again? Do you think it’ll happen again?” Dr. Verma asks almost uncomfortable.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Dr. Verma nods. She looks down at her hands taking a deep breath then letting it out, “Okay...what you asked. About if you’re a boy or girl. If a doctor can’t decide if a newborn is a boy or girl they’ll check three things: the sex chromosomes, the gonads, and how the body responds to hormones. Sometimes they’ll do gender reassignment surgery right away to make the newborn a boy or girl. Sometimes it’s necessary, other times not.”

Zayn clears his throat.

“Do you have a question?”

Zayn shakes his head, “No...sorry. Uh, keep going.”

“Right...um, in the instances where intersex people have had surgery at birth they’re not happy later on with the sex they were assigned. Some say it was genital mutilation, and many require surgery later in life.”

“I didn’t have surgery.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Why?”

Dr. Verma pauses before answering, “Your father...he didn’t want you to have it.”

“D-dad.”

“Correct.”

“Not mum?”

“It says your father in the file.”

“So...did he not want me to have it because they’d make me a girl?”

“I don’t know.”

“My dad wouldn’t want me like this. He’s a, a family values person.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s the more, uh, traditional one. He’s the one who wanted the big house and the kids and stuff. That’s what mum says anyway.”

“Do you and your mum talk a lot?”

Zayn shrugs looking down at the floor, “We use to, but now...not with with everything going on.”

“So-” Dr. Verma says, but Zayn cuts her off with a question.

“What did the doctor want to assign me?”

“A girl at birth, but at age nine a boy. Pressure was applied again at age thirteen.”

“When I got the hormones,” Zayn mumbles to himself, “Why?”

“A lot of surgery is based on what you have on the outside. This is why a lot of intersex people lose the ability to have children. When you were born, surgery was getting more, uh, refined. Doctors wanted to do surgery on you, but they wanted to make you girl because of what was on the inside, not out. You were born with a vagina and inside your body you had two gonads. One was ovotestis meaning half ovarian tissue, half testicular. Those do not work, so it was removed shortly after birth. You also had a uterus and one ovary, but not testicales at all. You understanding any of this?”

Zayn nods.

“Zayn, I know you’re embarrassed, but I am a doctor. I deal with all kinds of embarrassing things everyday. So for me this isn’t awkward. Okay?”

“Thanks...sorry.”

“It’s okay. No need to apologize.”

Zayn tries to give her a smile, but it’s weak.

“Shall we continue?”

“Please.”

Dr. Verma gives him a small smile, “Right, when you were born you also had a small phallus and this led to you not being assigned a gender right away. Your father didn’t want you have to surgery except for the ovotestis to be removed. They picked the name ‘Zayn’ because if though more of a boy’s name it can still be considered a gender neutral name. When you started growing up you acted like a boy and everyone treated like one, so the doctors wanted to assign you the gender of male. This was when you were nine.”

“Why then?”

“Well, uh, the phallus was more male by then.”

Zayn blushes.

“They knew because-”

“Because of photographs,” Zayn says finishing for her.

“You remember that?”

Zayn shrugs.

“You were relating to boys, acting like a boy, and weren’t growing like a girl. You weren’t showing signs of any female traits. You had no breasts, your penis was bigger so a specialist decided it would be best to have surgery to remove your female reproductive organs at nine and then again at thirteen. Your parents wouldn’t consent, but male hormones were suggested which they agreed to.”

“Yeah...it was horrible. Why did they agree to the hormones, but not the surgery?”

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask them.”

“So...what am I then?”

Dr. Verma looks Zayn right in the eyes, “First I want to say that your parents probably didn’t want to tell you this because it would overwhelm you. Intersexuality is rare, parents feel isolated and confused. I think they didn’t want to tell you so you didn’t feel like they did, do. Also they might not have wanted you to surgery because some intersex people grow up to feel like they are the wrong sex.”

“Just tell me what I am.”

Dr. Verma takes a breath, “I can’t tell you why you are what you are, but you are what known as a true hermaphrodite, born with both ovarian and testicular tissue. People with this have three karyotypes, meaning the combo of chromosomes. The sex chromosomes X and Y tell you whether you’re male or female or both. For people with true hermaphtrodite the possible karyotypes are 47, XXY, 46, XX/46, XY, or 46, XX/47, XXY. Intersex people, like people born male or female, come in all shapes and sizes, so the same diagnosis will vary from one person to another.”

“Female is XX, right?”

“Correct, and male is XY.”

Zayn sighs, “Can you just tell me if I’m a boy or girl, then?”

“I’ve already told you you’re neither. You’re karyotype is 46, XX/46, XY.”

Zayn chokes on his words.

Dr. Verma continues, “I believe your parents didn’t want you to have surgery not because they couldn’t decide if you were a boy or girl, but they knew you didn’t have a choose either.”

Zayn leans over his knees, shaking, “Fuck...shit, fuck I’m sorry.”

“Are you going to be sick?”

“I...I don’t know.”

Dr. Verma gets up from his desk and moves over to get the sick bucket she keeps in her office. She hands it to Zayn, who takes it and holds like a lifeline.

“Zayn. I know this seems scary, but it’s not. It’s a good thing. You don’t have to make a choice, or have surgery, you can just be you.”

“But I don’t want...I don’t want to be me,” Zayn says tears falling down his face.

“Zayn, I’m so sorry. Look, I shouldn’t have told you like this. I should have had your parents tell you, but I felt like I had to tell you because of the baby.”

“Fuck the baby!” Zayn sobs.

“Zayn, calm down. It’s okay,” the doctor says grabbing his hand.

“I thought I’d just come here and solve my problems. I thought you’d tell me if I was a boy or a girl and I’d go on my way. But I can’t. I’m so fucked up,” Zayn gasps around his sobs, “I looked up ‘intersex’ you know and I saw how girls could be boys and boys could be girls. I was so sure that I’d come in and you’d say yes I was a boy and then everything would go to normal. It was all a mistake and get rid of it. I want to get rid of it.”

“The baby?” Dr. Verma asks.

Zayn sucks in a breath through his snotty nose, “No...I don’t know. I mean everything. I want to get rid of everything that makes me a freak!”

“You’re not a freak!”

Zayn sobs harder and Dr. Verma takes him in her arms soothing him, “Shh...it’s okay. Don’t cry.”

Zayn moves away from her wiping his eyes and nose with the back of hand, “Is my appointment for the abortion scheduled?”

“It’s next Friday at nine AM.”

“Good I want it all removed.”

“You want it all gone? Even getting a hysterect-”

“All of it...like mum said.”

“Right, okay. If that’s what you want. I can arrange for you to see a someone to discuss a removal of all your female anatomy. They can hopefully schedule an operation before Christmas.”

“What’s going to happen to me?”

“In the operation?”

“No.”

“What do you mean?”

“Will A be more boyish? Will I grow facial hair? Like be more man. Or will I be more girlish?”

“I honestly do not know. There are some tests-”

Zayn groans, “Never mind. Forget it. I have to go. Sorry for cry on you.”

“It’s fine. If you need anything don’t hesitate to come in.”

Zayn grabs his backpack and walks out of her office without looking back.

* * *

Zayn leaves Dr. Verma’s office and decides to not go to school. It’s late anyway and no one will miss him. He walks around the city center looking into the shops and seeing people going about their business. He walks without a direction and ends up in the graveyard behind the church. He lays down in the grass. It’s cold and wet on his back, but he doesn’t move. He thinks how he should go to school to see Liam, but he doesn’t make a move to get up.

Liam finds him anyway, “What are you doing?”

“Liam...” Zayn says sitting up. He gets a head rush.

“You don’t have to get up,” Liam says sitting down next to him, “What’s wrong?”

Zayn’s wipes at his eyes, “Nothing sorry.”

They’re quiet not looking at one another. Their breath is white coming from their noses into the cool air.

“Something is wrong,” Zayn murmurs, “But I can’t tell you.”

“Did you get someone pregnant?”

“ _No_ no, no, no!”

“Okay, calm down. I believe you.”

“The test was-”

“It wasn’t for a friend, was it?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“But it wasn’t, was it? So who is it? Did you have sex with some girl the other week?”

“You think I’ve had sex?”

“Well...” Liam trails off.

“I’ve had sex! With anyone. Have you?”

“Well...yeah. I thought you had!”

“No I thought you hadn’t too!”

Liam blushes, “But you get with a lot of girls. How come you haven’t had sex?”

“Cause I don’t like them like that. You know that. I only make out with them.”

“Are you come crazy no sex before marriage guy? You’re daddy’s a big time politician so you have to be perfect.?”

“No! Why would you say that?”

“So...you didn’t knock anyone up?”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “No, I couldn’t have.”

“Then who was the test for?”

“I can’t tell you. I hope that’s okay...” Zayn replies. He’s eyes start to water. He should just tell Liam and get it over it. Let Liam know his secret and then Liam can decide if he wants to still be with Zayn or not, “I really like you. I like you more than anyone and I don’t want you think I’m horrible or hate me.”

“I couldn’t even if I tried.”

Zayn gives him a weak smile, “You’re hot.”

“ _You’re_ hot,” Liam counters.

Zayn smiles, “Thanks.”

“Want to make out?”

“Here?”

“No ones around.”

“Okay.”


	18. Chapter 18

When Zayn gets home after making out in the cemetery with Liam he uses the front door instead of the back. He was trying to avoid his mum for the moment so he could get his thoughts straight before talking to her about everything he had heard today from Dr. Verma.

Unfortunately for Zayn his father’s campaign team are in the living room and Gina, the intern, sees him when she steps into the hall, “Hi Zayn.”

“Hey Gina,” he replies.

“How was your day?”

“Fine.”

“School going okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Excited for the dinner tomorrow night? You know your father is a shoe in for MP. He’s got it in the bag, but he still wants to shake everyone’s hand. I keep telling him, ‘Yaser there’s a lot of people and you can’t shake everyone’s hand.’ But he keeps going out and meeting everyone.”

“Yeah, that’s my dad.”

“And then Wednesday is the big debate. Three people enter only one will become MP. How cool will it be to hear Yaser up there? Standing in front of all those people and it’s going to be live streamed! I’m so excited!”

“Sounds great.”

Gina’s phone beeps, “Oops that’s Mary. Gotta run. See you Zayn!”

Zayn shakes his head at her without saying goodbye and walks upstairs to his room. He changes out of his uniform putting on a hoodie and sweatpants. What Zayn really wants to do it sleep, but he knows he has to talk to him mum before his nerves get the better of him and he chickens out.

Making his way back downstairs, Zayn hears the campaign team all talking at the same time and it gives him a headache. Thankfully his mum is in the kitchen fixing dinner, so it wasn’t hard to find her.

“Hi mum.”

“Zayn, sweetheart, how are you?”

“Fine.”

“And school?”

“Fine...can we talk?”

“Of course,” Tricia replies. She puts the spoon she has in her hand down and makes her way over to the table.

Gina walks by on her phone and Zayn suggests talking in his room. His mum agrees and they make their way up the stairs. Tricia closes the door to Zayn’s room behind her before going to sit down on the bed next to Zayn, “What did you want to talk about?”

Zayn shuffles around, “So...”

“So.”

“Why’d you call me Zayn?”

“What?”

“Why’d you call me ‘Zayn’ when I could grow up to be a boy or a girl?”

“I-”

“Do I feel like a boy because you treat me like one?”

“Zayn...I-it was a compromise.”

“I went to see Dr. Verma.”

“You saw Dr. Verma?”

“Yeah.”

Tricia sighs, “We never kept it from you that you were both.”

“I know that, but...you never told me what _type_ I was. I didn’t know I was, like, rare. I am one of the only ones who is true intersex. I didn’t know I don’t have choice, that I’m both and neither and could never be one or the other. I never knew what I was. I could never have kids as a boy. My gender is just constructed by how you treat me.”

Tricia looks to the door, “Maybe your dad-”

“Why didn’t I get surgery?” Zayn yells, voice cracking.

“I wanted you to, but your dad he didn’t want-”

“You wanted me to have surgery?”

“Yes. I fought with him so much. But then we agreed to wait.”

“Why? Why wait? You wanted me to decide what I was? You should’ve made the decision and not left it up to me!” Zayn shouts at her. The anger from this morning is burning hot in him.

“Your dad was worried we’d choose wrong. I thought the worst would happen was you’d be confused and when you older would decided. But you’ve been fine until now.”

“I’m not _fine_ , mum!”

“You can’t blame me for this! You’ve been having unprotected sex!” Tricia yells back.

Zayn’s in shock. He tries to saying something, but his mum interrupts him, “Don’t you remember the conversation we had. You were turning fourteen and didn’t want an operation.”

“No!” Zayn yells at her.

“You did. You’d had the hormones and we all agreed that since there wasn’t a problem before, and since they were making you sick and aggressive and everything, you were going to stop them.”

“I don’t remember.”

“You hated them. In fact your dad had talked me around to not having surgery earlier, but by that time I agreed with him. You were always so happy before the hormones...I thought they’d make you feel like we didn’t love you the way you were...” Tricia pauses. She’s lets out a small cry, “I’m sorry, Zayn. So sorry.”

“Why did I get the hormones at thirteen? Why did the doctor think it was okay by then?”

“The doctor wanted you to have surgery, but we agreed not to have it done. They said you’d might grow breasts if didn’t take hormones. We thought it might be distressing.”

“For who? You or me?” Zayn can’t stop the anger in each word. The more he hears the more he wants to hurt his mother.

“Zayn, please. Don’t be like that. Tricia weakly says. The fight in her looking like it was waning, “I fought so hard for you. We were until a lot of stress. This was your life we were making decisions on. We didn’t want people talking about you, staring. Do you think we should have kept doing the hormone?”

Zayn ponders what his mother asked, “Do you?” He asks in return.

“I wish we had now. Maybe we should’ve done the surgery when you were little. But they wanted to make you a girl when you born. It would’ve been horrible...or it might have been fine.”

“I don’t feel like a girl,” Zayn whispers, “But...I don’t know. I don’t know who I am. I’m so confused.”

“But you were with a boy...still with. Haven’t you?” Tricia asks.

“Stop saying that! It was a mistake! It was...it was a one time thing and it was a mistake,” Zayn says. He thinks about Liam and what they could do if he stayed the way he was. Would Liam want to stay with him? Would Liam think he was disgusting?

“Do you want the operation? To be a boy, I mean,” his mum asks pulling him from his thoughts.

Zayn’s silent. Not sure what to answer.

“Zayn? Sweetie...what are you thinking?”

“What would happen? If I got the operation?”

“They’d take everything out...all the girl stuff. Ovary, womb, everything like that. I don’t know what they’d do to get rid of the...the vagina. You’d have another operation to have boy stuff. Testicles, fake ones like men get when they testicular cancer.”

“I told Dr. Verma to book the surgery...to have everything taken out,” Zayn finally tells his mother.

“Oh, well done, good. That’s good.”

“But I don’t know if I want it!” Zayn quickly adds.

“Zayn, sweetheart, I know it’s a lot, but you’ll have to make the decision at some point. Won’t it just be easier to get it over and done with? Like a band aid...rip it right off and it’s all done. You’ve always been a boy and we’ve tried to bring you up so you could be who you wanted,” Tricia says. She runs a hand through Zayn’s hair.

“I’ve never thought about it all before,” Zayn admits.

“I think you should. I think you should think long and hard because you’re upset. We’re all upset for you. Everyone’s unhappy right now.”

Zayn feels a tear drip down his face. His mum wipes it away for him, “Come here,” she says and pulls him into a hug, “I’m sorry. You’re right. We should’ve been responsible and made the decision long ago. We shouldn’t have left it up to you. We just thought if we left it up to you when you were eighteen, but it’s just become a burden. I’m sorry. We’ll get the surgery to make you a boy...a proper boy.”

There’s a knock on the door before it opens and Yaser is standing there, “I just got in. Gina said she heard yelling.”

“Everything’s fine. Go back to your campaign,” Tricia says waving him off.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **READ ME!!! JUST A LITTLE WARNING!!!**
> 
> I know a lot people skip notes in fics (I know I do), but please read this. This chapter has derogatory language against intersex people. The person using this language will be using the outdate term "hermaphrodite." I wanted to warn everyone before you read this that this isn't an easy chapter to read. You may be uncomfortable with what is being said/done.

Zayn’s excited to sleep in on Saturday since he wasn’t allowed to play football. He missed the team, but getting sleep was better since he wasn’t sleeping well the last couple of weeks. He’s in the middle of a dream when he feels like he’s shaking. He’s brain still cloudy from sleep, but he opens an eye and sees a figure over him.

“Get your coat. We’re going to London,” the figure says.

Zayn has a minor panic thinking it’s Lance, but when he opens both his eyes and they focus it’s only his mum, “Everybody?”

“Just you and me. Come on get up,” his mum replies.

“Why?”

“Don’t ask questions. Get ready in ten minutes and I’ll buy you whatever you want from topman.”

“I need new shirts.”

“You don’t but whatever. Just get to the car in ten minutes! And don’t wake up your father or Niall!” Tricia says before leaving Zayn’s room closing the door quietly behind her.

Zayn drags himself out of bed. He turns on the light flooding his dark room with it and blinks because it’s harsh on his eyes. He moves over to the dresser picking out clothes and putting them on without really paying attention. He goes to the bathroom to relieve himself, then brush his hair before he goes downstairs.

He tries to walk quietly, but of course he steps right where the stair makes noise and it squeaks loudly, “damn it.”

“Quiet! Don’t wake anyone up!” his mum whispers at him.

“Sorry.”

He moves into the kitchen and sees Gina there. She seems to always be at their house, “Good morning, Zayn. I hear you and your mum are going to London!”

“Yeah, going to get some new clothes for the new year.”

“You look good in what you have on. Always have to say you have nice style for a boy.”

“Uh, thanks...um, I should get going.”

“Later, Zayn!” Gina calls after him as he makes his way out the back door to the car.

Zayn makes it to the car and sees him mum sitting in the driver’s seat waiting for him.

“I brought sandwiches for lunch. If the sun’s out we can go eat in the park,” Tricia says to her son.

“Cool.”

The drive is quiet as the world passes by. Tricia seems in a happy mood and Zayn wants to keep it that way. He moves his hand and takes his mums’ for a moment squeezing it then letting go.

“Where are we going today?” Zayn finally asks.

“Surprise,” his mums says with a wink.

Zayn doesn’t reply, but decides since the ride will be long he’ll sleep. He rests his head on the window and nods off.

By the time Zayn wakes up again they’re in London proper driving down the street. Zayn stretches and yawns to wake himself up.

“You’re awake,” Tricia comments.

“Mmm, yeah.”

“Nice nap then?”

“Yeah,” Zayn sighs, “Haven’t been sleeping much.”

“We’re almost to where we need to be,” Tricia says changing the subject, “Don’t forget anything in the car since we won’t be back to it til later.”

Zayn nods.

“How are you, sweetie?”

“Fine.” Zayn replies.

“You always say that. Are you sure?”

“Yeah...hey mum.”

“Yes, dear?”

“Did I only have hormones when I was thirteen?” Zayn asks.

“Yes.”

“So I haven’t had many hormones?”

“Only the natural ones,” Tricia replies.

“So...right now I look almost like how I would have looked anyway?”

“Yeah, pretty much. Of course you grew when you were on the hormones, but it wasn’t height just your chest. You got to your height on your own.”

“I’m five foot nine...how tall are you?”

“Five foot four.”

“You look taller sometimes.”

“I wear heels to work. I’m almost as tall as you when I’m wearing them.”

“So...I would never really have looked like a girl?”

Tricia shrugs, “I don’t know. Probably not.”

“You’re thinner than me.”

Tricia smiles, “Thank God for that! You bulked up when you started playing football. You’ve got muscles when you started on the regional squad.”

“Yeah.”

“What would’ve happened if I had the surgery to make me a girl?”

Tricia doesn’t answer.

Zayn continues, “You said you wished I had it when I was born.”

“Oh. I don’t know. I was upset, but I’m glad we didn’t get it. You’d probably would’ve had lots of hormone treatments.”

“Because I wouldn’t have grown like a girl?”

“I don’t like thinking about it.”

“Sorry.”

“It was just your father was worried because the doctors said you’d lose...feeling tissue...down there,” Tricia tells her son. She’s more than uncomfortable saying it.

“Yeah but...sex isn’t everything, right?”

“It is a pretty big deal!”

“So why are we going to London?”

Tricia sighs, “To see one of the specialists who used to work with you. We’re getting a second opinion. It’s nothing to be scared of. I’ll be with you the whole time.”

“I’m not scared. When did you book the appointment?”

“This morning before I woke you. It was quite easy. He remembered you. You’re like a celebrity with the specialists.”

“How fucked up are these specialists?” Zayn mumbles.

Of course Tricia hears and scolds him for it, “Don’t swear!”

“Sorry.”

“How about a sandwich? Did you get something to eat before we left? We’re about half an hour away still. You should eat.”

“Thanks,” Zayn replies and moves to grab at the bag where the sandwiches are.

Zayn eats his sandwich as he looks out the window at London. For being the weekend it’s still quiet with people walking down the sidewalks.

“Can I ask you a question?” Tricia asks breaking the silence.

“Um, about what?”

“About...who’s you been with.”

Zayn swallows around the lump in his throat. He can’t tell, won’t tell. He doesn’t want to rat out Lance. Can’t rat him out. It would ruin his mum’s friendship with Lisa. He thinks about all the fun times he and Lance had when they were little. They’d have sleepovers where they’d share a bed and talk until they fell asleep. Niall wasn’t around, so they’d be together all the time playing and laughing about jokes they made up.

“Zayn...sweetheart,” his mum breaks him from his thoughts, “Who is he?”

“No one.”

“Zayn, please, I really need to know. Is it someone from school?”

Zayn shakes his head, “No.”

“Is it someone I know?”

Zayn thinks before shaking his head again, “No...can we have the radio on?”

Tricia sighs, “Yes.”

* * *

When they get to the doctor’s office they’re taken into his office quickly and seated in chairs to wait for him. When the doctor, Dr. Clint, comes in he smiles and shakes both Zayn and Tricia’s hands before moving to sit behind his desk, “How are you today?”

“Fine,” Zayn replies.

“Good, good...your mother’s told me about what’s happening with you. If you want the operations here, it can be arranged. We’ll of course remove the fetus, the uterus, the vaginal passage, and the ovum. Since the ovotestis has already been removed we don’t have to worry about it. Of course it would’ve been better to have had the surgery before school age since adults hermaphrodites are often confused about their gender and have high rates of depression and suicide.”

“Woah,” Zayn mutters to himself.

“Of course,” Dr. Clint continues. He starts addressing Tricia and not Zayn, “it is a wonder how Zayn can bear children. Very sad how you found out like this. I would’ve assigned you female before the age of four and the surgeries to do so would have been done. From what I read when Zayn was born there was some masculinization of the genitalia, a phallus, which led to you, your husband, and the doctors not to agree on surgery, thus not proceeding with it. I wish I was brought in at the birth and not after so this whole situation would’ve been avoided.”  
“Zayn has always acted like a boy,” Tricia says.

“Hmm, probably more nurture than nature.”

“Huh?” Zayn says.

“Shh...” Tricia says to him.

Dr. Clint keeps talking to Tricia, “I would’ve said with this type, presenting with female organs, would be brought up as a girl because of the fertility potential. We would have tried to save as much as we could, although there are few true hermaphrodites who have any level of fertility. This could be why the doctor thought that not doing anything was fine, but as we can see it wasn’t.”

“Dr. Verma said that most hermaphrodites are infertile because they have surgery,” Tricia says.

“GPs are very ignorant. They don’t have the research like specialists do. They don’t have about the treatment of hermaphrodites. You should’ve been warned because of the hormones and the feminine looks that the intersex child,” Dr. Clint points to Zayn, “would have an androgynous air. This can be very attractive to young people because it looks less threatening than someone who is fully developed man or woman. This will make he or she more sexually active in this period of adolescence. Hopefully this should wear off by the end when his or her peers start to develop what they like in the masculine and feminine spectrum. Now...it is safe decision to have gender reassignment surgery as soon as possible.”

“Hm,” Tricia hums.

“Mum,” Zayn whispers to her. He nudges her with his arm.

“If it was done earlier Zayn would’ve been female and it was just look like a regular case of teenage pregnancy,” Dr. Clint says ignoring Zayn, “I would recommend a strong case of hormones. Possibly two to three courses to make sure Zayn won’t develop breasts, et cetera.”

“Wouldn’t it have happened by now?” Tricia asks.

“Maybe, maybe not,” Dr. Cling says. He looks at Zayn, “Do you ever talk to someone in you head?”

“Uh, sometimes...” Zayn mumbles.

“That’s a sign of gender dysfunction. You’re confused. This has been known to lead to schizophrenia.”

“But everyone talks to themselves,” Zayn defends himself.

“Or you could’ve absorbed your twin in the womb, giving you both female and male genitalia. You could be talking to your dead twin, who you still remember.”

Zayn stares at him.

Dr. Clint mouth turns up at one corner, “You’ll never get a girlfriend like you are now? Will you? We’ll get you sewn up.”

Zayn face crumbles. He’s trying hard not to cry.

The room is silent. Zayn wants to leave.

A voice comes from the door, “This is bullshit!”

Zayn looks up to see his father.


	20. Chapter 20

“And you are?” Dr. Clint says getting up and moving over to the door.

“I’m Zayn’s father,” Yaser replies.

“Mr. Malik, nice to meet you. If you would like a seat, I’d be happy to talk to both of you and wife about treatment for your...child.”

“That won’t be necessary. Tricia, Zayn come on. We’re leaving.”

Zayn doesn’t think twice about leaving the office. What Dr. Clint is saying makes his skin crawl and he’s more than uncomfortable about what he was saying. His mum is a little slower getting up from her chair.

“Mr. Malik I was just talking about if I was Zayn’s doctor from day one how this wouldn’t have been a problem,” Dr. Clint says, “I know it was a hard subject to talk about when Zayn was young, but now if the pregnancy I think it would be the perfect time to discuss making him look fully male.”

“No. We will not be talking about this. You have no right to tell my _son_ how and what he should look like,” Yaser yells at the doctor, “Tricia let’s go!”

Zayn’s mum hurries her path to the door and moves around Yaser to get into the hall with Zayn. She puts her hand on Zayn’s shoulder, “I’m so sorry.”

Zayn shrugs, “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

Yaser pushes at them, “Let’s go.”

They’re quiet as they make their way to the lift. Tricia looks nervous about everything, so Zayn asks his father, “How’d you know we were here?”

“Dr. Verma called saying she got a request from Dr. Clint’s office for your records. She thought I would like to know.”

“Oh...I like her.”

“Me too...so, uh, what did you think of Dr. Clint.”

Zayn shrugs, “I don’t know. Mum...what do you think?”

“It was interesting,” Tricia replies.

“I guess.”

“I never liked that old quack,” Yaser comments, “I don’t know what your mum was thinking bringing you here.”

The lift doors open and they step in. Tricia mutters, “That’s why I didn’t invite you.”

“Yes, I noticed that,” Yaser replies.

The lift ride down is quiet after that. Zayn standing in front of his parents as they angrily wait until the lift doors to reopen. When the lift finally opens Zayn bolts out not wanting to hear his parents argue. He knows it’s coming.

“...I just wanted a second opinion!” Zayn hears his mum say, “Dr. Verma doesn’t know much about intersex people and I don’t like her attitude. Her calling the home to tell you what we were doing just goes to show that she doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut! She likes like I don’t know how to take care of my _own son_. Zayn shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

Yaser growls, “First of all if you wanted a second opinion you should have told me and I would have come. Secondly Zayn chose Dr. Verma and we have to go with what he wants. He likes her.”

“It just makes it look like I’m the bad parent and you can just come in and save the day!”

“You went off without me! We had an agreement about doctors, they want to cut him open and look to see what’s inside! It’s gross and I don’t agree!”

“Your personal feelings are getting in the way with what’s best for Zayn, right now. If we get this all over with now, we won’t have to deal with it later!”

“You can’t control everything! Zayn is intersex and with that comes issues that we have to deal with. Just because some surgery happy doctor wants to his hands on Zayn’s genitals doesn’t mean everything will magically go away.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“It feels like ten years ago and you’re trying to control everything again. We both know how that turned out!”

“Don’t you _dare_ bring that up. That was ages ago. I’m not going to leave again. Just stop,” Tricia says in defeat.

Zayn’s standing by the door, phone in hand when his mum comes up to him, “Ready for lunch? I brought sandwiches, but I think going to a restaurant would be nice.”

Zayn nods, “Sounds good.”

They end up at a cafe where they have soup and sandwiches. Both of Zayn’s parents are trying to make it feel comfortable for Zayn, but it’s tense. Thankfully his mum starts talking about one of her cases and it relieves some tension from the table.

After lunch they make their way to Oxford Circus. Zayn chews at his nails nervous about asking about the surgery. But with his parents both here and his father not concentrating on his campaign Zayn thinks it’ll be the best time to ask.

“So...we’re not going to have the surgeries in London with Dr. Clint?” he asks.

“Maybe.” Tricia says as Yaser says, “No. We’ll do it back home where everyone is sane.”

They look at each other. Yaser stands his ground turning to Zayn, “What do you think?”

Zayn shrugs.

“He doesn’t-” Tricia gets out, but Yaser again stops her.

“Come on, Zayn. It’s not that hard.”

Zayn crosses his arms, “Well the appointments are already set at home.”

“Do you want to have them there?” Yaser asks.

“Okay,” Zayn quietly replies. A few tears leak from his eyes. He doesn’t know why he’s crying, but it probably has something to do with the hormones from the pregnancy.

“Don’t cry, Zayn. It’s okay,” his father says and takes him under his arm.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn sniffs.

They walk like that for awhile. Then Tricia asks, “I wonder if all parents freak out so much when their child grows up.”

“You’re finally admitting to freaking out?” Yaser asks.

“You’re admitting that I’m growing up?” Zayn adds. He and his father laugh.

Tricia ignores Zayn’s question, “I’m just saying no one gives you a rulebook on how to raise your child. Terrible twos, school, puberty, angry teenagers...angry ten year olds.”

“We’re a handful, I guess.”

“Mm.”

“It would be better if I was normal.”

“No, Zayn, don’t say that.”

“It’s true.”

“Zayn, sweetheart, I’ve only wanted you to have an easy life,” Tricia says. She pulls Zayn away from Yaser pulling him close to her. She whispers to him, “If it was just me I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

Zayn doesn’t know how to respond so he just gives her a smile.

They make their way down the street stopping outside Hamleys for a moment. Zayn sees a girl dressed up as a princess and another mum pregnant trying to get her other two children under control. Zayn notices he has a hand on his stomach and moves it away quickly. He puts his hand under his sweater to feel his bare stomach and thinks that it’s been three months since what’s happened with Lance. Three months since everything’s happened.

He notices a baby across the way. She’s in her mother’s arms happily looking around. Zayn moves to his mum and whispers to her, “Mum...that baby would be a year older than mine.”

She turns to look at what Zayn’s talking about seeing the baby, “If you don’t think about it that it’s a baby that termination will be easier...I never told you this, but I had an abortion when I was younger.”

“Oh.”

“It wasn’t a big deal. I was twenty and your father and I were studying to become lawyers. When the doctor and ultrasound tech kept saying ‘baby’ it made me uncomfortable. So call it a fetus or something, but not baby. You understand why?”

“Did you ever think about not having it?”

“The abortion?” Tricia sighs before she continues, “I did think about it for a moment, but I’ve always believed you should have children when you can make a good life for them. Shouldn’t you?”

Zayn nods, “Yeah...I just thought I’d never be pregnant so I ever thought about if I needed to have one.”

Tricia nods, “I understand.”

They walk on when Tricia asks, “That boy you brought to Niall’s birthday...he’s not the father is he?”

“NO! Mum. Oh my God!”

“I’m sorry I just had to ask. These last few weeks have been hard and knowing who the father is would help things...but he was a nice boy.”

“Yeah he is. Great friend.”

“That’s good. I’m just worried about you hanging out with him...when you know...you’re like this.”

“He’s just a friend. Just like Louis and Harry are.”

“I know, but hanging out with friends while you’re like this maybe not a good idea.”

“Mum, please.”

“I just think you should wait to hang out with your friends again until after the operation.”

“I’ll still be me afterward. Still intersex!”

“Not after the gender reassignment surgery.”

“I’ll still be intersex on the inside.”

“But what does it matter if you still look and feel like a boy?”

Zayn shrugs.

“You’ve always felt like boy, haven’t you?”

Zayn shrugs again.

“Haven’t you?”

“I guess.”

“What are you talking about?” Yaser interrupts, “You two have been whispering to one another this whole time and I can’t hear a thing you two are saying.”

“Nothing,” Tricia replies.

Yaser just shakes his head and straightens up to continue walking.

“Mum, why didn’t dad want me to have the operation when I was born?”

“Oh...um...”

“Did he want a boy and he didn’t want them to make me a girl?”

“No...no that’s not the case at all.”

“Well he’d like it more if I was boy.”

“That’s not true at all!”

They walk into Topshop and make their way to the escalator to go to Topman.

“Now I can hear you,” Yaser says, “What were you talking about?”

“You,” Tricia replies, “Tell him what you did when he was born.”

“What I did?”

“Yes, about him being intersex.”

“I did nothing. We decided you were alright how you were.”

Tricia sighs. She waits until they’re off the escalator before she tells Zayn, “I went to pieces. Your dad took care of everything. The doctors, the exams, the appointments. I couldn’t go with you to them. It was too upsetting for me. I was worried you’d grow up and everything would haunt us...and this happened.”

“Might not have happened without...you know,” Zayn says biting his lip.

“It would have, someday.”

“Maybe not,” Yaser adds.

“I was fine though. I’ve been fine,” Zayn says.

Tricia says, “You know your father painted Niall’s room yellow because it was unisex?”

“You did?” Zayn asks his father.

“Yes. We wanted Niall to be whoever he was too...we’ll talk about this at home. This isn’t a place to talk about this,” Yaser says roaming the store to make sure no one was watching them.

“You’ve always got the campaign team at home,” Zayn says. He turns to his mother who’s got a shirt in hand, “What else did he do?”

She looks to make sure no one is close and Yaser can’t hear her, “He stopped them from taking photos of you...without your pants on. After the hormones when you were thirteen he convinced me we shouldn’t take you back to the doctors. He said they just wanted to document you so they could write papers about people like you so they could forward their own careers. He said they were sick perverts and...he was the one who said you can’t have the operations until you decided for yourself. He called it mutilation. No was going to cut up his perfectly functioning baby.”

“Did he really say that?” Zayn asks.

“He wanted you to have children if you wanted,” Tricia says. They walk over to the jeans section where Yaser is, “Of course he thought you’d be more androgynous than you are.”

“But he knew I could be more boy though.”

“Zayn,” Yaser says coming over to him, “I said we’d talk about this at home.”

“No one’s going to recognize you here!” Tricia hisses at her husband.

Yaser huffs before walking away.

Zayn stands where he is and here’s the song playing in the store. It’s slower, sad almost and tears well to his eyes. He brings his finger up to bite at his nail to try to stop from crying, but it’s no use and soon tears are falling down his cheeks.

“Zayn, sweetheart, don’t cry. It’s okay. I shouldn’t have told you this here. I’m sorry,” Tricia says to him and pulls him to the exit.

“What about dad?” Zayn sniffs.

“I’ll call him,” his mum replies. She looks at Zayn and sighs brushing a tear from his cheek while she dials Yaser’s number, “He just didn’t want to decide without talking to you.”

“What do you think?”

“Yaser we’re outside the shop. Zayn’s ready to go home,” Tricia looks back to Zayn once she’s hangs up the call, “I thought about it for a while and I agreed with him. But the world doesn’t work that way. We thought everything was fine because nothing had gone wrong, but...something like this happens and...Zayn, I’m sorry. It’s overwhelming for me and I’ve been thinking about it like crazy. About you having sex, being pregnant...it’s a lot.”

“Shh.”

“We can’t all live in the perfect world like your father wants. I want you to normal so you can have the best life possible. Do you understand that?” Tricia has tears in her eyes.

“Yeah...I do. I really do.”

Tricia pulls Zayn in for a hug, “I love you, sweetheart.”


	21. Chapter 21

Monday morning is slow. Zayn goes to school like any other day. He hasn’t talked to his parents, his mum mostly, about Saturday. Once they had gotten home his father went into the living room and started talking to his campaign team while his mother had gone up to her room and shut the door. Niall had asked about what happened, but Zayn shrugged him off before going to his room to take a nap.

Now though, now Zayn wants to hang with Liam. He hadn’t talked to him all weekend and he feels bad. He takes his phone out of his pocket and goes to his contacts to call Liam.

“Hey,” Liam answers when he picks up.

“Hey. What are you doing?”

“Class...but the teacher’s late.”

“Horrible.”

“Nah, she’s an addict,” Liam jokingly replies.

“So I’ve heard.”

“So what are you calling me and not coming to get me?”

“I’m outside the window.”

Liam stands up looking out the windows to see Zayn standing downstairs in the parking lot, “What are you doing?”

“Come see what love looks like.”

“You’re crazy.”

“No I’m not. Come on, come out!”

Liam sighs and looks back in the class. The other students are talking to one another and with the teacher no where in sight Liam decides he’s leaving, “I’ll be down in a minute. Don’t move, yeah?”

“I’ll be waiting,” Zayn says and hangs up without Liam saying goodbye.

When Liam gets down to where Zayn is he smiles and pulls him close for a moment, “Why are we down here?”

“We’re bunking off,” Zayn replies and starts walking away from school.

“I like your idea. But what happened to you being the perfect student?”

“I’m rebelling.”

“Oh well James Dean don’t let me stop you!” Liam jokes.

Zayn laughs, “It’s only one day. Hardly going to hurt me. Plus you said your teacher didn’t show, so it’s only fair you get to bunk off with me.”

“Where are we going? It’s freezing out here. I think my balls are going to fall off?”

“I don’t know. Where do you want to go?”

“Some place warm.”

“Can’t go to my house. My dad’s campaign has taken over. They’re there all the time. Day and night. Almost can’t sleep with everyone walking in and out all day.”

“My dad’s home today.”

Zayn sighs, “So we have to stay out in the cold.”

“We could always make each other warm,” Liam winks.

Zayn blushes, “Y-yeah...where you want to go then?”

“Come kiss me over a grave.”

“What no! I’m not going to make out with you on a grave!”

Liam pouts, “No fair. You don’t like me anymore.”

“I do!” Zayn protests back and pulls Liam close, “I really do. Just kind of weird to want to make out on grave.”

Liam huffs, “Buy me a tea.”

“Done.”

* * *

The next day Zayn leaves school early for his doctor’s appointment. Both his mum and dad go with him to the appointment to meet Dr. Smith.

Zayn’s only half listening while Dr. Smith explains what’s going to happen with the abortion, “...after the termination there might be mild bleeding and some abdominal pain. It’s all normal and will go away, but if it becomes too much don’t hesitate to come back and see us. Now should we discuss postoperative contraception?”

Zayn shakes his head.

“No?” The doctor asks.

“No.”

“Okay, uh, now let’s move on to the pelvis exam. Mr. and Mrs. Malik if you’d leave the room while I do it. I’ll send Zayn out once we’re finished.”

Yaser gets up to leave, but Tricia hangs back a moment, “Zayn you’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be fine, mum.”

Tricia looks at Zayn a moment longer before leaving. 

The doctor quickly goes through the exam that isn’t as half bad at Zayn expects. Once it’s over Zayn thinks he’s free to go, but Dr. Smith stops him, “We should do an ultrasound to see where the baby is. With your anatomy we want to make sure we know where the fetus is so we can take it out without complications.”

Zayn nods.

“Is that okay?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Would you like your parents in here for it?”

“Uh, my mum only.”

Dr. Smith smiles to reassure him, “That’s fine. I’ll get a nurse to get her.”

Tricia comes in and takes Zayn’s hand, “You okay?”

“Fine.”

When the ultrasound technician sets up the machine she goes over what’s going to happen. Zayn just nods along while his mother squeezes his hand every so often.

With the gel on his stomach and the wand in hand, the technician turns the machine on and watches it intently. Zayn can’t see much of what’s going on, but then there’s a little flash of light on the technician’s glasses. Zayn thinks that’s probably the image of his and Lance’s baby.

“C-can I see?”

“You want to watch the scan?” the technician asks.

Before Zayn can answer his mum says, “No.”

Zayn looks at her before turning back to the woman saying, “Might as well. Please.”

She positions the monitor so Zayn can see. The door opens and the doctor comes in with a two other doctors. Zayn doesn’t pay much attention because he’s transfixed to the screen.

“Can you tell the gender?”

“No, not until about twenty weeks. Though babies start to develop their sex around twelve.”

Zayn calculates he’d be five months along. He looks back at the monitor, “Why did I have cramps?”

“Those were uterine cramps. Just the uterus stretching to make room,” the technician replies.

“All normal,” Dr. Smith adds.

“Can I have a picture?”

“Zayn...” his mum says with a warning tone.

“Pardon?” the technician asks.

“Well don’t they give you a picture or something?”

“Oh, of course,” the technician moves over to the printer on the bottom of the monitor cart and gets the little piece of paper printed for Zayn.

“Are you crazy?” Tricia hisses at her son.

“All set!” the technician says happily and hands the scan picture over to Zayn. Zayn takes it and thanks her.

“I think that’s all. We’ll talk more the closer the date for the abortion gets,” Dr. Smith says.

“Thank you, doctor,” Tricia says.

Zayn gets cleaned up and hops off the bed. He shakes the doctor’s hand before leaving the room with his mother. She doesn’t talk to him, but just walks out to where Yaser is.

“Everything okay?” Yaser asks.

“Fine,” Zayn replies looking down at the scan in his hand.

When they get home his mum goes to her room closing the door behind her. Zayn doesn’t try to talk to her. He knows she’s upset with him about getting a scan photo. He looks at the photo until his eyes cross and it goes fuzzy. He puts the photo in his nightstand drawer to keep it safe and out of Niall’s hands.

He looks at the photo the next night before bed. He makes out the nose and mouth and the little hand that’s fisted. He always looks at it then puts it away before going to bed dreaming of the little being inside of him.

* * *

Thursday at school Liam invites Zayn over to house after school since his parents and sisters are going to be out late. Zayn agrees because 1) it’s Liam and 2) he can’t stand the campaign people in his house.

Zayn’s quiet on the walk to Liam’s since all he can think about is the baby his carrying. He thinks maybe he should break up with Liam before things go wrong. There’s only so long he can hide what’s happening. Liam wants to go further, but Zayn always tells him he wants to go slow. He thinks that Liam would think he’s a freak if he knew that he’s pregnant. That he’s got both a vagina and a penis. 

Liam pulls him from his thoughts, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re quiet today. You’re usually not this quiet.”

Zayn shrugs.

“Did I say something?”

“No...no it’s just I’m going through some stuff and I think we shouldn’t do whatever we’re doing anymore.”

“What? Zayn...”

“It’s not you. You’re awesome! I just think it’d be better if we stopped for awhile.”

“Zayn whatever it is, it’s fine.”

Zayn shakes his head, “It’s hard stuff.”

“Don’t we all have hard stuff?”

Zayn shrugs.

“Have you knocked someone up? It wasn’t just rumor, then?”

“No! I swear.”

“Have you done something wrong?”

Zayn shrugs, “I don’t think so.”

“Okay so why are trying to break up with me? Because I’m telling you now, Zayn, I don’t want that.”

Zayn just stares at him.

“Can I tell you something? And you can’t say anything until I’m done. Okay?”

Zayn nods.

Liam takes in a breath and lets it out, “I like you. I really, really like you. I can’t just stop liking someone because they think it’ll be the best for me. I know we’re not really that serious, but I think I love you. I know you don’t love me, but maybe some day you will. Do you understand?”

Zayn nods.

“I only go out with someone if it’s going to lead to more. Like if I hang with someone for a while and don’t think they’re awesome and I can’t put up with them, I dump ‘em. I think it’s only fair since it doesn’t waste their time or mine...so what I’m trying to say is that I really like you and you saying we’re done or whatever I’m going to try and old only that little flame that we have until it’s all gone and there’s nothing left. You understand?”

“Yeah...I think I do. I just never have been with someone this serious before.”

“You’ve been out with loads of people!”

“That was just kissing. Nothing serious.”

“Oh...Zayn?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we done, then?”

Zayn looks at Liam. Really looks at him. Liam says his name again and Zayn still looks at him.

“Stop looking at me. Just answer the question!” Liam yells at him.

“No...no we’re not done.”

Liam sighs in relief, “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I don’t want you to think I’m not.”

Liam nods, “Good...good. Now can we get my house. I’m cold and there’s tea calling my name.”

Zayn smiles, “Yeah that sounds good.”

When they get to Liam’s, Liam leaves Zayn in his room while he goes downstairs to make tea.

When he turns with a tray with the teapot, two cups, and a package of biscuits Zayn smiles, “What’s all this?”

“My mum bought some treats. I know you’re upset, so I brought them up since it’ll be nice to have with tea..and I might be hungry,” Liam replies putting the tray on his desk.

“They make their cups of tea and eat half the package of biscuits before Liam asks, “What happened? Did someone die?”

“No. It’s just been a bad autumn,” Zayn takes a sip of his tea, “I really do like you, a lot. I’m sorry I was mean to you. I thought you’d be better off not with me.”

“Why?”

“Uh...” Zayn says. He puts his tea down on the nightstand, “Okay.”

“Okay? Zayn what is it?” Liam asks. He puts his tea down as well and takes one of Zayn’s hands in his.

“I-I have something to tell you.”

“Okay.”

“No one knows...it’s um, it’s kind of...”

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

“It’s just I’ve never talked about it.”

Liam squeezes his hand to reassure him.

“It’s actually two things. I have to tell you one before I can tell you the other thing...shit I’m rambling. I’m sorry.”

“Zayn, it’s okay.”

“You have to promise not to tell _anyone_. You can’t talk before I’m done, yeah?”

“Scout’s honor.”

“First...I love you.”

“Oh my God...Zayn I can’t. Sorry no replying, sorry.”

Zayn sighs, “There’s been times I thought I’d never get to say it.”

“You have child cancer,” Liam blurts out.

“What? No!”

“Are you dying?” Liam asks. He takes both of Zayn’s hands in his. His eyes are watery looking into Zayn’s.

“No! I’m not dying! No death what so ever!”

“Oh thank God! You scared me. I thought you’d tell me you love me, just to tell me you were dying. Fuck,” Liam says. He pulls Zayn into a hug and holds him close, “Don’t do that again, okay?”

“Sorry,” Zayn mumbles. He pulls back from Liam to look at him again, “I...maybe I shouldn’t tell you.”

“No, please tell me. It’s okay. Whatever it is,” Liam replies.

Zayn surprises Liam with a kiss and he pulls back to start biting at his neck. Liam pushes his away, “Wait...Zayn, wait.”

“I’m sorry. I just can’t talk to anyway about it,” Zayn’s voice cracks, “I want to talk to someone, but I can’t tell anyone. No one knows.”

“Hey, slow down, yeah? Zayn...come on slow down for a moment,” Liam takes Zayn’s face into his hands and wipes the tears leaking from Zayn’s eyes. He presses his forehead to Zayn’s and breathes with him, “It’s going to be okay.”

Zayn breath shutters, “I’m sorry.”

“Shh...”

Zayn doesn’t talk. He lets his breathing return to normal and slowly ease up until there’s no more. He pulls away from Liam and wipes at his nose with the back of hand, “Sorry for crying.”

Liam gives him a weak smile, “It’s alright.”

“So, like, I understand after I tell you this that you don’t want to like...date me or whatever. Just promise to be my friend.”

“I can promise to be your boyfriend.”

“Don’t...it’ll just make it awkward.”

Liam sighs, “Fine. I swear I’ll be your friend.”

“No one knows.”

“You’ve said that.”

Zayn mumbles his reply.

“Huh?”

“I...like both.”

“Both what?”

Zayn doesn’t reply.

“Bisexual?”

Zayn shakes his head, “No...I’m not a boy or a girl. I’m in between.”

“Oh...are you serious?”

Zayn doesn’t reply.

Liam keeps talking, “So what do you have?”

“Uh...”

“That was stupid. I’m sorry. Forget I asked.”

“No one knows outside of my doctors, and parents. My brother doesn’t even know. So please don’t tell anyone. Please...I’m begging you.”

Liam looks Zayn in the eyes and searches to see if he’s lying.

“I should go,” Zayn says getting up, but Liam catches his wrist.

“No, it’s...”

“I understand.”

“No, Zayn, wait a minute...this is huge, okay? Like give me a minute to process it all.”

“Don’t tell anyone okay?”

“I’m not going to. Promise.”

Liam takes Zayn’s hand in his, “So...”

“Normal people have XX or XY. I have both.”

“How does that happen?”

“I don’t know. Nobody does.”

“But you have a penis?” Liam asks. He looks down quickly at Zayn’s crotch before looking back up at him blushing, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I do have one.”

“And do you have, like, other stuff?”

“Like what?”

“Uh, well...you know. Girl stuff?”

“Yeah it’s just smaller.”

“Oh my God,” Liam breathes out and pulls Zayn close. He moves them so they’re laying on the bed now and Zayn’s head is on Liam’s shoulder.

“I don’t know what to say,” Liam whispers.

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“Are you more girl than boy, then?”

Zayn looks up at Liam, “I’m half and half...I can’t have children the, uh, guy way though. I’m infertile.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you have balls?”

“No.”

“Meh, they’re gross anyway.”

Zayn chuckles, “Yeah?”

“I have a pair and they’re nothing special. Just kind of hang there and stuff.”

Zayn kisses Liam’s neck, “Thank you...for being you.”

Liam runs his hand through Zayn’s hair. He leaves it there playing with it as they lay on the bed thinking over everything.

Zayn pushes away from Liam’s embrace and looks down at him.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Zayn replies and moves back down to cuddle close.

“Is it common?” Liam asks.

“I don’t know.”

“We can Google it.”

“I have. It’s all so confusing. Some of the stuff about intersex people on the internet is just...wrong.”

“Is that what’s it called? Intersex?”

“Yeah. People use to say hermaphrodite,” Zayn replies. The word in his mouth tastes horrible.

“What don’t we Google ‘intersex’ and ‘how common’? Might help up find something,” Liam suggests. He moves his arm out from under Zayn sitting up to move to grab his laptop.

“Yeah...okay.”

Liam quickly goes to Google and chooses the first article, “Hmm...this says ‘how small does the penis have to be before it counts as intersex?’”

“Not that small,” Zayn whispers.

Liam continues, “This talks about sex chromosomes anomalies. And there’s a book that’s suggested to read further about it. That would be interesting to read. I mean why are there two sexes if we aren’t actually all of the two sexes?...Oh here’s some statistics.”

Zayn sighs looking at the screen.

“These are more complicated than I thought. Which ones do you have?” Liam asks looking over at Zayn.

Zayn reads the screen and points to one, “I think this one. Not XX and not XY.”

“Wow...one in one thousand, six hundred, and sixty-six births. That’s, like, a lot.”

“Yeah. Just with the population of Britain alone that’s...” Zayn trails off, “Thirty-seven thousand, two hundred, and fifteen!”

“That’s loads!”

“I had ovotestis when I was born and that says that’s one in eighty-three thousand.”

“What’s that?”

“Um, when the tissue of both an ovary and testis in the same gonad. They took it out in an operation. So I just have one ovary.”

“Oh.”

“This talks about regular people too. They have operations to correct stuff as well. Did you? Have an operation I mean other than to have the ovotestis taken out,” Liam asks.

“No...this is insane. I can’t believe there’s so many intersex people. I thought no one was.”

Liam smiles at him, “Yeah...I guess you’re wrong.”

They look through another page when Liam asks, “Why haven’t you talked to anyone about this?”

“Because it’s...gross,” Zayn replies.

“You’re not gross! Don’t ever say that.”

Zayn smiles and kisses Liam, “But it’s improbable.”

Liam smiles at him, “You’re improbable.”

“You’re more improbable than me, Liam,” Zayn kisses him again.

They start making out. Liam puts his laptop on the floor, so they don’t hit it. He pushes Zayn down on the bed moving to be between his legs. Liam’s hand wanders over Zayn’s body stopping when it rests on his covered crotch.

“I’m not ready,” Zayn says.

“Zayn,” Liam breathes out and keeps rubbing Zayn’s crotch. Zayn lets him. Liam reaches for his belt undoing. He touches the waistband of his pants and he starts to hook his fingers beneath it when Zayn back away. He grabs at his belt and does it up again.

“I’m not ready,” Zayn says scooting all the way, away from Liam.

“I’d like to though...now now, but, you know, someday.”

“Maybe...can I tell you something else?”

“Of course.”

“Truthfully...I’ve always been okay with being intersex. I know that’s weird, but it’s, like, it’s never been an issue for me. Like...I’ve never wanted people to know and sometimes I’ve worried I’d end up alone, but I’ve never been ashamed,” Zayn tells Liam. He pulls his legs up to his chest and wraps his arms around them, “Until September...fuck I’m sorry.”

“What happened in September?”

Zayn sniffs, “Someone....someone made me have sex with him.”

Liam’s silent. He looks right at Zayn and Zayn keeps going, “He was, bigger than me. He threatened me and I was in shock.”

Liam takes Zayn’s hand and holds it, “How small are you?”

Zayn looks at him confused. He thinks about the question, but then understands, “Oh, um, small. About as wide as this,” he told up his little finger showing Liam.

“So this guy...were you hurt? What happened?”

“I bled...a lot. I went to the doctor. She gave me a stitch...down there.”

“Oh my God, Zayn! That’s...No! Zayn, that’s horrible. I can’t believe that happened to you. You’re such a sweetheart.”

“Thanks...I didn’t know if I was overreacting.”

“What?”

“Only the doctor knows and she didn’t react that much...I don’t know. I mean she believes me, but I wonder if it happens to a lot of intersex people or something...because you know curiosity.”

“It’s horrible...just fucking horrible!”

Zayn takes his hand back and puts it on his leg, “Liam?”

“Yeah?”

“N-nevermind.”

“Zayn just tell me.”

“Remember the pregnancy test I bought? It was for....for me. The guy didn’t use a c-condom.”

Liam looks at him in shock, “You’re pregnant.”

“Yeah...thanks for letting me tell you.”

“I’m sorry...I can’t. I’m sorry,” Liam gets up from the bed and paced his room.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re going to get rid of it? Zayn?”

Zayn doesn’t look at Liam, “Yeah.”

“Oh...oh thank God.”

Liam sits back down, but Zayn gets up standing over him, “Are you okay, Liam?”

“Yeah fine. I just had a small panic attack. I’m sorry,” Liam looks up at Zayn, “I’m sorry I sometimes get scared I’ll lose things. I’m just glad you’re not...I just want things to go back to normal.”

“Normal?”

Liam looks at him.

“Liam, if there’s one thing I’ve never be it’s normal.”

“No, Zayn, I didn’t mean-” Liam says, but Zayn’s already grabbing his stuff, “I didn’t mean it like that! I’m okay with you being intersex. It’s just the-”

“Forget it. I was stupid to think you’d understand...I thought you were different.”

“I am different!” Liam cries.

“No, you’re really not. You’re like everyone else. You think I’m a freak, I’m disgusting. I hope you liking being alone on your high horse,” Zayn replies. He moves to the door opening it, but Liam’s voice stops him.

“Don’t say that! You come in telling me all this shit, and it’s too much! I’m not perfect! I’m not some perfect angel who can take all this shit at once! It’s overwhelming.”

“You think it’s too much for you? What about _me_? I don’t like dealing with this. Always asking myself all these questions. I’m having to make choices that no one else has to make. I have no one to talk to! I thought you’d be different!”

“Stop yelling at me!”

“Don’t tell anyone,” Zayn says before he walks out of Liam’s room.


	22. Chapter 22

Zayn gets home when his mum is driving up. She honks at him in greeting and he lamely waves at her. He sees Niall looking out the window at them and he waves to his little brother. Niall doesn’t wave back, but instead moves from his spot in the window.

When Zayn gets into the kitchen he sees Niall there with their dad.

“I hate you, Zayn!” Niall yells at him.

“Don’t say that, Niall!” Tricia says as she walks in on the scene.

“But I do! I do hate him! He promised to tell me everything, but he doesn’t! I found out that he got a girl pregnant!”

“What?” Zayn says his head snapping up from where he was looking at the floor.

“That’s not true. Who told you that?” Tricia asks. She looks at Zayn.

“I didn’t get anyone pregnant!” Zayn yells.

“It’s just a rumor,” Yaser says quietly, “We’re working on getting it stopped from spreading. We think it might have started on a student blog. I don’t know how Niall heard about it.”

“My friend Harvey told me. He heard his sister talking to her friend about it and he told me ‘cause Zayn is my brother, stupid,” Niall responses.

“Don’t call me stupid,” Yaser voice raises and anger is starting to form on his face.

“You got them to take down the blog didn’t you?” Tricia asks totally ignoring Niall, “It could be harmful. Not just for Zayn.”

“Gina is working on it.”

“Whose blog?” Zayn mutters.

“What was that?” Tricia asks.

“Whose blog? I want to know,” Zayn says looking at his father.

“You don’t need to know. Just know it’s being taken care of,” Yaser replies.

“Dad!” Zayn whines.

“Don’t worry. We’ve threaten to sue the blog site for publishing slander. We’re trying to find the student who runs it. They’ll take it down shortly.”

Zayn groans.

“And,” Niall yells, “he told me I was special and different, but he’s lying!”

“Niall, stop yelling at your brother!” Yaser yells at his younger son.

“Why do you think I’m lying?” Zayn asks Niall.

“Because you are! I’m not special. Everybody wants to know about you. Take photos of you. They _never_ want to know about me! I’m no one interesting. I don’t play sports because I’m not good enough and I never win anything. It’s all about you! Everythings about you! I’m sick of it!” Niall yells at him. His face going red.

“Oh, sweetie,” Tricia says, “You are special. You’re so special to us. Your brother is only being blogged about because of something bad.”

“This isn’t about you and me, mum! This is about me and Zayn. And he’s a liar!”

Zayn sinks into a chair at the table and sighs, “I didn’t lie.”

“Yes you did! You do! All the time! I don’t know what to believe or what’s going on! I _hate_ you!”

“Niall,” Zayn starts. His eyes tearing up, “I’m sorry. I didn’t lie. I didn’t tell people about me incase something happens. And you know I haven’t gotten anyone pregnant because...because I don’t like girls. But it doesn’t matter because I’m not seeing anyone...anymore.”

Zayn looks at his parents a brief moment because he doesn’t want to know what they think now that he’s confused he’s gay. He looks back to Niall.

“What about the stuff about me being special? That wasn’t true, was it?”

“It was because-”

“It wasn’t! Everyone only loves you!”

“Fine! It wasn’t true! Just stop yelling!” Zayn yells at Niall, “It wasn’t true. You get to be normal like everyone. Which right now seems boring and stupid, but one day you’ll find out it’s better than the alternative!”

“You think I’m too young to know anything!”

Tricia interferes, “Niall, sweetie, sometimes there’s things that are too complicated for someone young to understand. That’s why we have to explain things slowly so they can take everything in.”

Zayn looks at his mother, who in turns looks to Yaser. Yaser looks back at both of them.

Niall yells at them, “What are you doing? What the fuck has been going on for the last month?”

Zayn looks at Niall, while Tricia tries to fake a smile and Yaser looks defeated.

Niall continues, “You all are more educated than me because you’ve all been to big school. You’ve learned more words and maths and you _all_ know the words to tell the truth, but you lied to me! You’ve been lying to me.”

“Niall!” Yaser yells. He looks to Tricia to help him out, but all she does is look to Zayn who looks back at her.

“You all talk very poorly as you explain more complex things!” Niall yells once last time. He leaves the kitchen banging the door behind him and stomping up the stairs. He slams his bedroom door behind him.

Zayn sighs. He doesn’t say anything as he moves to get up from the chair he was sitting in and moves to the kitchen door to leave the room.

“Zayn...” Tricia says and he turns around, “Just leave him for a bit?”

“I was going up to my room. I don’t want to talk to anyone,” Zayn replies and leaves before his parents can say anything more.

* * *

Two nights later, the night before the operation, Zayn can’t sleep. He’s upstairs in his room wearing his Christmas pajamas that he gotten last year and listening to Niall play a game next door. Downstairs he can hear his dad and his campaign people walking around listening to music. His father had promised the blog would be taken down, but it’s still up. He’s been told they were working hard on getting it taken down.

He moves to lay on his side and he sighs. He can’t think about things too much or he gets overwhelmed. He feels empty and lonely. Liam doesn’t talk to him at school and his friends don’t know what’s going on. He only has his parents to talk to, but since Niall’s blow up they’ve been walking on eggshells around each other.

Zayn’s hand moves to his stomach where the small bump of his pregnancy has formed. He doesn’t know why, but feeling the bump puts him at ease. He thinks how things have been. How Liam reacted to the news. He knows he shouldn’t have put so much on him, but he had to tell him. Things were going fast and soon...soon they would go further than Zayn was comfortable with and Liam would break up with him. He remembers how Liam’s face as he walked away from him. Pained, hurt, tears forming and falling as he left the room, not looking back.

He starts to cry. The tears falling faster than he can keep up with. Dark thoughts enter his mind, but he can’t let them happen. He wants to talk to Liam. But he can’t. He wishes there was someone who he could talk to about being pregnant, but there aren’t many people he trusts or know about him. His parents are out of the question. Dr. Verma is an option, but it’s late. He could call Lance. Tell him about what’s happened.

But what would Lance say? He doesn’t want to know. Won’t talk to him, can’t talk to him. Not after everything that’s happened. Tomorrow...tomorrow everything will be solved. He’ll be able to go back to being normal or as close to normal as he can get to.

He turns over and stares at the wall. Thinks about things, how the surgery will be. Dr. Verma had called that day to talk to him mum about everything. How things would go and such. He didn’t really pay attention.

Zayn knows he has until tomorrow to change things. He can go through with the operations and that’ll be it or he can change his mind and keep the baby. He starts to panic. He can’t keep the baby. His parents wouldn’t be happy. He doesn’t have the money to have a baby or even support himself. He doesn’t have anyone to talk to about anyone it.

He hears Niall turn off his game and shuffling to his bed. He knows a ten year old wouldn’t understand what’s going on, but he can’t be alone right now. He needs to know someone is there for him.

Getting up from his bed he wipes at his face before going over to Niall’s room. He doesn’t knock since it’s late and he knows Niall’s just gone to bed.

He hears sniffling, “Niall?”

“Zayn?”

“Are you crying?”

“No,” Niall sniffs.

Zayn pushes the door closed and makes his way over to Niall’s bed. He pulls the covers up and climbs in next to his little brother.

“I’m sorry,” Niall says.

“It’s okay,” Zayn says back.

“I was so mad you didn’t tell me and you don’t talk to me anymore,” Niall sobs.

Zayn pulls an arm around him, “I promise to talk to you more. I didn’t mean to stop. There’s just been a lot going on.”

“But you’re my brother! You can’t lie to me anymore.”

“I promise, no more lying.”

“Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise,” Zayn says finding Niall’s little finger with his own and wrapping them together.

“What’s been going on, Zayn?”

“Just...a lot of stuff. Hard stuff. You know how we battle each other on your games?”

“Yeah?”

“Like that...I’ve been doing it in real life.”

“You’ve been sleeping a lot.”

“It hard fighting all the time. Takes a lot of energy to fight real things.”

“More than pretend things?”

“Way harder! Big, scary things...now go to sleep.”

“Night Zayn.”

“Night Niall.”

Zayn listens to Niall’s breathe even out before he lets himself sleep.


	23. Chapter 23

Zayn wakes when the sun comes up. He slept somewhat peacefully, except for when he woke up to Niall kicking him. He left Niall’s room so that he wouldn’t get injured again falling back asleep in his own bed.

He moves through his room quietly going through his morning routine. He puts on a pair of joggers over his legs to stay warm and comfortable. Before he puts his t shirt on he moves over to the mirror he has in his room and turns to the side to look at his stomach. His once flat stomach is now slightly rounded showing off that there’s a baby growing inside. He puts his hand over it rubbing at it a moment letting the baby know he’s there.

Once he’s got his shirt on he pulls a hoodie over it then moves to leave his room. He doesn’t take his phone with him since no one will be trying to contact him. He told his friends he was going on holiday early to some place where phone service was spotty and he wouldn’t be able to talk to him until he returned. Liam won’t contact him, not after everything that’s happened.

When he gets down to the kitchen his mum’s at the table with a mug of tea in hand. She gives him a smile, “Morning sweetheart.”

“Morning.”

“I’m just going to finish my tea then we’ll leave. We’ll have plenty of time to get to the hospital and get you settled in.”

“Okay...is dad coming?”

Tricia sighs, “He doesn’t want to. You know how he feels about things.”

Zayn nods, “Yeah.”

They sit quietly at the table. Tricia finishing her tea and half reading the newspaper. Zayn sits there looking at his hands.

He startles when his mum stands making her chair scrape across the floor, “Ready?”

“Y-yeah.”

They quickly go to her car not wanting to be in the cold December air longer than they have to. Tricia puts the heater on as soon as she starts the car. The warm air blows on Zayn’s face making him feel like he’s suffocating.

“Can you turn it down?” he asks breaking the silence.

“Oh, sorry,” his mum replies turning the heater down so it’s not blasting.

The drive goes all too fast for Zayn and soon they’re making their way into the hospital to check in. The reception desk has one person, a young woman, sitting there with a magazine open in front of her.

“Hello,” Tricia says.

The girl looks up with a smile, “Hello, how may I help you?”

“We’re here to check in for my son’s surgery.”

“Oh, of course. Here’s some paper work to fill out. Once that’s done just bring it back to me and I’ll have a nurse come get you.”

“Thank you.”

Zayn sits next to his mum as she fills out the forms they were given. He wishes he was still sleeping.

“Why don’t you read a magazine?” Tricia says to him, “We’ve got time before the nurse comes to get you.”

“No. I’m fine.”

Tricia sighs, “I’m going to get some air.”

“Oh...okay.”

Zayn watches his mum go outside and pull out a cigarette. She doesn’t smoke in front of them, but he can smell it on her sometimes. He watches the smoke move through the morning air in white whiffs and his mum shake her head.

He puts his hands in his hoodie pockets and feels something. He pulls at the paper and sees it’s the ultrasound photo he had requested a couple of weeks prior. He looks at the black and white photo and starts to tear up. His father had asked about it a few days ago, but he said he had lost it.

“Zayn Malik?” a voice calls and he looks up. A nurse is standing at the door with his chart on a clipboard.

“I have to get my mum,” Zayn replies and moves quickly to collect Tricia from outside.

They walk over to the nurse and give their greets to her. She explains to Zayn that he’ll get out of his clothes and into a hospital gown. After he’ll have a pelvic exam and the doctor who would be doing the hysterectomy would talk to him. He’d be having the second surgery on Monday, three days after the abortion. After they’d give him time to heal before the gender reassignment surgery he’d have in January.

“Will you be okay?” Tricia asks.

“Huh? Yeah, why?”

“It can be overwhelming. Everything happening. I just want to know you’re okay with it all.”

“I’m _fine_.”

“Okay, okay...I’m going to step out for a moment. Let you get changed. Just call if you need help.”

Zayn groans, “Go!”

Tricia moves quickly out of the room and Zayn sighs to himself. He changes out of his clothes folding them and placing them on the chair in the room. He takes the ultrasound photo out of his hoodie pocket folding it so that it’s in his hand. Getting into the bed and under the covers he calls his mum back so she can have a seat.

“Do you want anything to drink for after?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure. You’ll be thirsty after.”

“I’m fine, mum. Please stop acting like I’m a child.”

“You’re my child and I’ll treat you however I want.”

The conversation doesn’t continue because the nurse who brought Zayn into the room is back to take him to the pelvis exam, “You can wait here,” she says to Tricia.

“Stay,” Zayn says before Tricia can protest.

The pelvis exam is quick and painless. The doctor who’s doing the hysterectomy checks him over as well and tells Zayn that everything looks okay. The nurse takes him back to his room where his mum is sitting on the chair with his clothes in her lap.

“I’ll go grab you a bag for his clothes,” the nurse says and disappears out of the room. She comes back with a white bag, handing it to Tricia, then leaves the room.

Zayn looks down at his hand. He has the ultrasound photo still in his hand and it’s now crumpled from having it there for so long. He unfolds it to take a look at it again.

“What’s that?” his mum asks.

“N-nothing,” Zayn replies.

“Oh come on. Must be something important,” Tricia replies and moves from her seat.

He tries to hide it, but Tricia sees it and shakes her head, “Sweetheart, I thought you had gotten rid of that. You won’t need it after today.”

“I want it.”

“Zayn, give me that. I’ll throw it away for you.”

“No! It’s mine! Just leave me alone,” Zayn says and moves it out of her reach.

Tricia sighs, “Your mood swings won’t be missed.”

Zayn huffs and crosses his arms over his chest.

A new nurse comes into the room and looks at the scene, “Oh, um, Zayn?”

Zayn’s head snaps up, “Yeah?”

“Oh, good. Are you all right?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well everything is signed and you’re okay with everything?” the nurse asks looking at Zayn then Tricia.

“Yes,” Zayn replies.

“Great. Well it’s time to go into the operating room. Is your mum coming in?”

Zayn looks over to his mum and nods, “Yeah.”

“Perfect. Well if you’d just follow me. Your mum can stay with you until you fall asleep,” the nurse explains as they walk to the operating room.

 

Once they arrive Tricia is sent to put on scrubs and to put her purse and Zayn’s clothes away. Zayn is put onto the bed and wheeled into the room.

They start hooking him up to everything needed to make sure he’s alright for the abortion. The cannula, the tube where the anesthetist is going to put drugs into him, feels itchy in his arm. He still has the photo in his hand and he thinks about giving it to a nurse for safe keeping, but they’re all busy so he keeps it in his hand.

His mum comes back into the room wearing blue scrubs. She comes over to him and touches his arm, “I texted your father. He should be here after it’s all over.”

Zayn looks at his mum with watery eyes, “I’m scared.”

Tricia pets a hand through his hair, “Oh, sweetie, it’ll be okay, yeah? You’ll be asleep the whole time and when it’s over you’ll be free from it all.”

Zayn sniffs, “What if I don’t want it? The abortion I mean.”

“Don’t talk like that. Just stay relaxed,” Tricia replies.

The anesthetist comes over with a smile on his face, “I’m going to send you off. You’ll feel drowsy for about a minute before you fall asleep.”

Zayn looks at him with wide eyes making the anesthetist smile weaver.

“He’s just nervous,” Tricia replies.

The anesthetist nods, “Of course. Zayn, there’s nothing to worry about. Okay?”

Zayn looks up at his mum trying to talk to her, but no words come out.

“Okay, here we go. One minute,” the anesthetist says.

Zayn’s voice comes back to him, “Mum?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Mum...I...I can’t. I need more time...please, mum...” Zayn doesn’t say anything more because the drugs go into effect making him fall asleep. The ultrasound photo falling from his hand onto the floor at his mum’s feet.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooo...I didn't want to leave you guys on a cliffhanger for too long, so this is kind of a filler chapter.

When Zayn wakes up he’s groggy. He tries to lift his hand, but it feels too heavy. Opening his eyes things are blurry, so he moans to try to get someone’s attention.

“Zayn? Zayn...oh hello. You’re awake, but probably not for long. Just rest now sweetheart and when you wake up again, properly, you can have some water,” a voice that he doesn’t recognize tells him.

Zayn tries to nod his head, but he doesn’t know if he does or not before he’s falling back asleep.

* * *

The next time he wakes up the room is dimly lit and he can see his father sitting on a chair across from his bed.

“H-hey,” Zayn says. His voice is rough, so he tries to clear it.

“You’re awake,” Yaser replies, “Let me get you some water.”

Yaser pours water from a pitcher next to Zayn’s bed into a cup and hands it to his son. Zayn takes it and sips through the straw. His throat feels better once he’s downed the whole thing.

“Where’s mum?” Zayn asks.

Yaser sighs, “Home with Niall...she, uh, she said she’ll see you when you get home.”

Zayn places a hand on his stomach. What he feels surprises him. Instead of the a flat stomach like he thought he’d have he still has a small rounded one. He throws the blankets off of himself and looks down.

“Oh, uh, they didn’t do the abortion...your mother stopped it. She said, uh, that you...you wanted more time. She wanted me to give you this,” Yaser replies and hands over the ultrasound photo.

Zayn takes and looks down at it. The picture is creased from being folded and handled, but he can still make out the baby, _his_ baby.

“I’m going to get a nurse,” Yaser says and leaves Zayn by himself.

When the nurse comes back with Yaser she checks Zayn’s vitals and says that everything looks fine. She also mentions the doctor will be in to talk to Zayn about opitions.

Yaser takes a seat back in the chair next to the bed and looks at Zayn before shaking his head, “You okay?”

“Yeah...I think so.”

“What you did...in the operating room that was...I’m proud of you.”

Zayn tears up. He can’t believe his father is okay with his decision. After everything that’s happened and the way things happened his father is still proud of him.

“Hey, don’t cry,” Yaser says and moves to take Zayn’s hand, “You made a big decision that many people wouldn’t be able to make.”

Zayn squeezes his dad’s hand, “I just don’t know if I’m going to make the right one.”

Yaser squeezes back, “You will.”

There’s a knock then the door opens to the doctor coming in. Zayn wipes at his eyes.

“Hello, Zayn. How are you feeling?” the doctor asks.

Zayn shrugs.

“You, well you’re mother, stopped us from performing the abortion because you wanted more time. I just want to let you know that the more time you take the harder it will be to perform the abortion. The worst case is we’d have to perform a caesarean section to get the baby out since your vaginal opening is quite small and you wouldn’t be able to pass the fetus properly.”

Zayn nods, “I understand.”

“I’m going to keep you overnight to make sure you’re okay. If you decide you want the abortion anytime between now and tomorrow before we discharge you, please tell us and we’ll perform it.”

“Okay.”

“If have any questions I’ll be at the hospital for another hour or two. Please don’t hesitate to have a nurse come and get me.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Yaser says.

The doctor smiles, “You’re welcome, Mr. Malik. Zayn, get some rest.”

The doctor leaves and Yaser sighs, “I can’t believe he thinks you’ll want the abortion tomorrow.”

“I don’t,” Zayn replies.

“I know you don’t.”

“No I mean ever. I don’t want to have one. I want to keep my baby.”

“Are you sure? You can think about it for a little while longer.”

“I’m sure. I don’t want an abortion. I want to keep my baby. He or she might be the only child I can have and I can’t let that chance go...please dad don’t make me give it away,” Zayn pleads.

Yaser gets up and moves to take Zayn his arms, “No, Zayn, no I wouldn’t do that to you. Never.”

Zayn starts to cry and Yaser holds him tighter, “I’m sorry, dad. I’m sorry.”

“Shh...you have nothing to be sorry for.”

Zayn cries on his father’s shoulder until a nurse comes in telling them that visiting hours are over. Yaser asks for a few more minutes and the nurse nods her head saying that he can, but to hurry.

Yaser kisses Zayn’s forehead promising to come to pick him up the next day.

“What about mum?” Zayn asks before his father can leave.

“I’ll talk to her. Tell her your decision about your child,” Yaser replies.

Zayn gives him a small smile, “Thank you.”

* * *

The next morning Zayn’s discharged from the hospital. Like Yaser promised his there to take Zayn home. Zayn wears the same clothes he had arrived in home. He doesn’t talk to his father the whole way and Yaser doesn’t press him to talk.

When they arrive home Zayn goes to room without talking to anyone.

A little while later there’s a knock, but he doesn’t answer it. It doesn’t matter because the door opens and his mum is standing there, “How are you?”

Zayn doesn’t reply.

“You have to talk to me,” Tricia replies.

“No I don’t.”

“Zayn,” Tricia sighs, “We have to talk about things. Prenatal care, doctors, school...there’s a lot to discuss.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Tricia sighs again, “And the father? Have you even told him yet?”

“No. Now go away.”

“Zayn, please-”

“I said go away!” Zayn yells.

Tricia sighs one last time, “We will talk about this at some point, Zayn.”

“Did you not hear me the first time!”

Tricia just shakes her head and leaves Zayn’s room without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the story will now be more just me writing than taken from the book. In the book the abortion does happen, but like the tags say there is only an _attempted abortion_. This means there will be NO ABORTION. I will still be taking a little from the book as there are some loose ends to tie up, but all in all it will now be more freehand(?). I don't have the word for it, but you get what I mean.


	25. Chapter 25

Zayn doesn’t come out of room for three days. He only moves to go to the bathroom. His mother doesn’t try to talk to him. Niall tries to get him out of bed, but Zayn pushes him away saying he’s ill and doesn’t want to get Niall sick as well.

On the third day he hears his parents voices from their room. He has his door closed, but they’re yelling at one another enough that is travels to him. He moves from his bed and opens his door to try and listen to them.

“...you were there!” He hears his father say.

“I was there to stop it though!” his mother yells back.

“You didn’t see his face when he looked at the ultrasound. He knows what he’s doing.”

“Does he? He’s only a child-”

“He’s almost sixteen!”

“He’s still a child, my child.”

“Teenage pregnancy happens.”

“This isn’t just any teen pregnancy!”

“Why?”

“Because...”

“Because?”

“He’s a boy!” Tricia yells.

“What do you want me to do? It’s not like I imagined this would happen. Neither of us did, but it happened and it’s happening right now. You need to open your eyes and see that he’s made a decision for himself. He’s old enough to make these decisions and you’re going to have to live with those decisions no matter if you like that or not.”

“He doesn’t know what he wants. You don’t even know what _you_ want.”

“And you? What do you want?”

“I want him to have a normal life. I don’t want him to be treated differently.”

“You care that much about what other people think? Is it so awful that our son is a little different?”

Tricia scuffs, “That’s rich coming from you.”

“Making decisions on what others think is not a way to live.”

“You think that you’re so much better than everyone. Sitting on your high horse and being the big hero politician, but you don’t see how others live! You’re not a day-to-day parent. You don’t see what our children, everyone’s children, have to go through. You’re never here, and when you are your campaign team are with you. You’re surrounded by people who worship you.”

Yaser sighs, “We talked about this. This is what we wanted. What we agreed to years ago.”

“I was stupid then. Then we didn’t have children. I was young and stupid and didn’t know that this is where we’d be.” Tricia bites back, “I have no privacy now. I have a child with a medical condition and there’s so many people around we can’t discuss the best care for him. He needs both of us right now.”

“We did what we thought was best. If we did anything wrong it was taking him to those doctors who looked at him like some science experiment. They didn’t try and figure out how Zayn’s fertility worked. If he had known, _we had known_ , he would’ve been more careful.”

“Just an accident. That’s all it is,” Tricia mutters.

Yaser sighs, “I just want the world to accept Zayn as who he is. Who cares what he looks like, who he likes. It’s not his fault he was born intersex. It’s not life threatening and it’s not wrong. Tricia?”

Zayn hears feet shuffling and he moves the door so it’s almost closed, but he can still hear them.

“Tricia where are you going?”

“The guest room.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now,” Tricia replies. Zayn hears her walk to the guest room and close the door behind her.

Zayn opens his door fully and steps out into the hall. He moves over to his parents room and sees his father sitting on the bed head in his hands.

“Dad?” Zayn whispers.

Yaser’s head snaps up, “Zayn, how are you? You’ve been in your room the last few days.”

Zayn moves over to sit next to his father, “I’m sorry.”

Yaser puts an arm around his son, “It’s not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But mum...”

“She has a lot to deal with right now. She’ll come around, just give her time.”

“And if she doesn’t? Come around, I mean.”

Yaser sighs, “Give her time.”

Zayn sags into Yaser’s side, “I feel like I’ve caused so much trouble. If I wasn’t pregnant we wouldn’t be like this.”

“No, Zayn, no don’t think like that. You have _nothing_ to be ashamed of. This happens all the time.”

“Not to someone like me,” Zayn mutters.

“You’re special. You may not feel it right now, but you are. You’ve been through so much in your life.”

“Mum hates me though.”

“Don’t say that. She doesn’t. She just...needs time to process everything. Having your child become pregnant when they’re still in school isn’t easy. Isn’t easy for anyone at any point in their life. It’s scary, but you’re going to get through it. I’m here for you.”

Zayn tears up, “Thank you.”

Yaser wraps both arms around him and holds him close, “I’m proud of you. For everything you’ve done. Don’t ever forget that.”

Zayn feels tears leak out and cries on his father’s shoulder. Yaser holds him and lets him know that he’s going to be okay.

When Zayn’s done crying and he’s wiping at his eyes and giving his father a sad smile Yaser asks, “Uh...when Niall was yelling at you he said that, that you’re gay.”

“Yeah...”

“So you are then? Gay?” Yaser nervously asks.

“I am.”

“And the father of your baby...is he?”

“No...we’re not together if that’s what you mean. I don’t talk to him.”

“Oh...are you going to tell him about things?”

Zayn shakes his head, “I’m not. We don’t talk. I don’t want to see him.”

“Okay. That’s...fine. But Zayn think about telling him. He should help you out with paying for the baby. Even if you don’t want him in your life he needs to be held accountable for this child.”

“Please can we not talk about it?” Zayn begs. His hands are shaking and his eyes start to well again.

Yaser notices this and apologizes, “Okay, okay we won’t talk about this, but Zayn we have to. We’re going to have to sit down and talk about things. How everything is going to work...”

“I know, but not right now.”

Yaser shakes his head, “I understand.”

Zayn gets up from his seat next to his father and moves to the door, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. Just go have a shower, yeah? You smell,” Yaser says with a wink.

Zayn gives him a faint smile back.

* * *

Zayn decides he needs to get out of the house, so he says he’s going to school. Yaser asks what he’ll tell his friends since they had said that they were going on an early holiday and Zayn just shrugs saying that he’ll think of something.

When he gets to school no one pays much attention to him. He goes to his locker and gets his books for class out before going to his first class to wait for the bell.

When Louis and Harry show up they greet him with smiles and asking about his holiday.

“We can back early. Dad’s campaign and all,” Zayn lamely replies. It’s the best he can come up with.

“Where were you?” Harry asks, “I mean you said you weren’t able to use your phone, so it must have been super secret.”

“Nothing secret. We went to France to ski, but like I said my dad had to come back because of the campaign. Sucks though having to come back to school.”

“Don’t lie. You know you missed my face,” Louis jokes.

“If there’s one face I don’t miss it’s yours,” Zayn retorts.

The bell rings for class to start, so they don’t get to talk more. The teacher smiles at Zayn when she sees him and tells him to talk to her about what he’s missed. He could care less about homework.

After class he’s in the hall when he sees Liam. He stops breathing for a moment. This is the first time that he’s seen him since their fallout. Liam doesn’t see Zayn though and Zayn goes to class with thoughts about Liam running through his head.

At lunch Zayn goes to the library. With the cold weather there’s more people in the library than usual. Zayn looks at everyone sitting at the tables, books open, and revising. Finally his eyes land on Liam. He’s sitting at a corner table headphones in and his books open in front of him.

Zayn makes his way over and puts his backpack on the table. Liam looks up, but doesn’t greet him. He goes back to revising.

Zayn takes a notebook out writing a note in before passing it to Liam. Liam looks at writing back to him.

_Y r u here?_

Zayn responds _Saw u earlier...wanted to talk to u._

_busy_ Liam writes back quickly.

Zayn sighs, _pls? It’s about what I told u._

Liam looks at what Zayn wrote before he pulls off his headphones, “I’m kind of busy, so say what you have to and leave me alone.”

Zayn looks down at his hands, “I...I didn’t have the abortion.”

“Okay.”

“And I think I want to keep the baby. Even if it’s, it’s from rape. This might be my only chance to have a child and I know it’s really messed up and all, but I want to go through with it.”

“Oh...okay. Is that all?”

Zayn looks up at him, “I-I guess. I mean I don’t...I’m sorry.”

Liam looks at him, “I, uh, I need time.”

“I know.”

“I-I should go back to revising,” Liam looks down at his work.

“Yeah, sorry, yeah I’ll just go,” Zayn says getting up from his seat.

He turns around, but Liam grab at his wrist. He turns back to look at Liam.

“I’m sorry. About what happened to you...it’s horrible.”

Zayn’s shoulders sag, “Wasn’t your fault,” he replies. He turns around and leaves without looking at Liam again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who responded to my author's note. For those of you who didn't see it, it was about how the story was going to from here and some choices about the story that might make you mad/upset. I understand people who have been raped don't always keep the baby because the baby could remind them of their rapist/rape as well as many other reasons. I've always known that, but no one has the same experience after a rape. Everyone is different in how they deal with a situation (rape, death, depression, etc)
> 
> Also the note talked about a anon who was upset that I deleted their comments. I for one don't delete comments. I am fine with negative feedback, but when you comment that you don't like that way the story is going and you're not going to read anymore it makes me mad. If you don't like the story, I'm sorry, but I'm the writer and what I write is what I write. I'm not going to change it just because someone doesn't like it. (Please refer back to the everyone deals with situations differently) The anon was then harassing me on comments about how I thought I was so big and tough and how I needed to apologize. I in no way need to apologize for deleting their comments. If I feel like I need to delete something I will. I reported their harassment to AO3 on here and twitter and all they said I could do was turn off anon commenting, which I have done on all my fics so this anon can't come back and try to harass me again without having an AO3 account.
> 
> Anyway just wanted to let everyone know where things are at/give a shortened version of the author's note that was this chapter. Thank you to everyone who has been reading this story and sticking with it. I'm hoping to finish it up so it'll be 30 chapters, which means only 5 more to go!


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **If you're subscribed to this fic you may not have seen that chapter 25 was changed to a regular chapter. It was an author's note, but once a new chapter was written it was taken down and a chapter was put in it's place. So sorry if you didn't get a notification for it! But hey you got two chapters to read instead of just one for the week!**

Zayn’s shoulders feel lighter after talking to Liam. It may have not of solved all their problems, but it was a step in the right direction. Even if they end up friends Zayn would be happy. He needs friends now that he’s going to be a teen father.

After lunch his classes go by quickly and once the final bell rings, Zayn’s out the door before anyone can see him. He takes the long way home though since being home means awkward silence and his father’s campaign team working in the living room.

When he does finally get home, a hour later, he’s greeted to his mum in the kitchen making dinner. He doesn’t say anything to her, but with her mum senses she turns around just as Zayn’s going pass.

“How was school?” Trisha asks.

“Fine.”

“Anything happen?”

“No.”

“No one asked where you were?”

“No.”

“Are all you going to do is answer me with one word answers?”

“Probably.”

Trisha sighs, “Zayn, you’re going to have to talk to me at some point.”

Zayn shakes his head, “Not now.”

“Fine,” she sighs out, “Go do your homework. I’ll come get you when dinner’s ready.”

“Are dad’s people going to be here?” Zayn asks.

“They’ll stay in the living room. We’ll have a proper family dinner. Just the four of us,” Trisha replies.

Zayn rolls his eyes and walks away without saying anything.

* * *

Dinner is tense with Zayn’s parents not talking. His father clears his throat every so often, but doesn’t say anything. His mother moves her food around, taking a bite every few minutes, but not really eating. Niall, for once, knows not to cause any trouble and stays quiet. Zayn just looks down at his plate watching the gravy from the mashed potatoes drip onto the plate and moving into the peas.

Finally Trisha talks, “Um, boys, your father and I have decided that I’m going to go live with your auntie for awhile.”

“Why? Who’s going to make me food?” Niall asks horrified.

“It’s nothing to do with you, sweetheart. We just need a break for a few days,” Trisha replies, “Your father can make you your meals or Zayn can help you as well.”

“But dad doesn’t know how to make me my sandwich!” Niall cries. His arms crossing over his chest and face going red.

“Niall, sweetheart, it’ll all be fine. It’s only for a few days.”

“Niall, it’ll be fine. It’ll be like when mum has to work and we have a boys night,” Yaser says trying to calm his son before things get out of hand.

“I don’t want a boys night!” Niall yells.

“Niall, keep your voice down,” Trisha warns.

“No!” Niall yells. He takes his fork and throws it at her, “I hate you! I hate all of you! Everything has been messed up since Zayn went to the hospital!”

Yaser grabs Niall’s arm and picks him out of his seat. Niall yelps in pain, but Yaser doesn’t let go, “You will _not_ throw things at your mother. Go to your room, no video games!”

“I hate you!” Niall yells at Yaser before running up to his room and slamming the door.

“I’ll go talk to him,” Zayn volunteers and starts to leave his seat.

“Sit,” Yaser says and Zayn moves back down.

Trisha grabs Zayn’s hand and gives it a squeeze, “I’m sorry sweetheart.”

Zayn shrugs.

“Zayn, if you need me at anytime please call and I’ll come right back,” Trisha says.

“What would I need you for?” Zayn says harshly.

Trisha is taken aback, “Well, sweetie, I mean if you have any questions or problems with the pregnancy.”

“I won’t be calling you.”

“Zayn, don’t talk to your mother like that,” Yaser warns, but not with any force.

“Then who will you talk to? You have to start talking to someone about it.”

“I don’t know. I’ll call Dr. Verma.”

Trisha sighs, “You can’t run to her with all your problems. She has other patients, other work that needs to be done. She doesn’t need you running to her about every little thing.”

“I like her. She doesn’t treat like some kind of freak. She lets me make my _own_ decisions. She doesn’t try and steer me to make a decision I’ll regret. She _listens_ to me.”

“I listen to you! I told them to stop the surgery.”

“But you were the one who pushed for it in the first place!” Zayn yells.

“I was trying to let you have a normal life! I was only looking out for you.”

“Were you? You didn’t once ask me what I wanted. Once you found out having an abortion was still possible you decided that’s what would happen. You made the appointments, you took to the quack doctor in London, you were the one who wanted me to have reassignment surgery. You, you you!”

Trisha chokes on a sob, “But I stopped it. I listened to you beg me to not let it happen and I stopped it.”

“But it shouldn’t have happened in the first place,” Zayn says. He stands and walks out of the kitchen. 

His father doesn’t stop him.

* * *

Zayn hears his mother leave that night. She doesn’t say goodbye to him or Niall. She just leaves. His father comes up to wish him a good night. Zayn grunts his reply.

The next morning he gets up early and makes lunch for Niall and breakfast for the both of them. Niall is in a somber mood and doesn’t fuss when they jelly on his toast isn’t grape like he likes.

Their father comes down and drives them to school. Niall’s dropped off first and he says good bye before running through the gate.

Yaser pulls the car onto the street again, but he doesn’t go the direction of Zayn’s school.

“Where are we going?” Zayn asks.

“Dr. Verma’s. I made an appointment with her so you can discuss proper care for you and the baby.”

“Oh.”

They get to Dr. Verma’s office where there’s only two cars parked. They get out and head to the door. Inside it’s quiet. The receptionist is cleaning up the reception area.

“Hello, here to see Dr. Verma?” she asks.

“Yes, Zayn Malik,” Yaser replies.

She nods and heads to her desk. She checks the computer and smiles, “Great, have a seat and the doctor will come get you.”

Zayn sits and takes out his phone. Yaser grabs at a magazine that’s sitting on a small table and flips through it, but doesn’t really read any of it.

The door opens and Zayn looks up to see Dr. Verma standing there with a smile on her face, “Good morning, Zayn. Come on back.”

Zayn stands, “You don’t have to come,” he says to his father.

“I’ll stay here,” Yaser replies.

Zayn gives him a single nod and walks over to Dr. Verma.

“How are you, Zayn?” Dr. Verma asks as they talk to her office.

“Fine.”

“I know it’s been hard for the last few days. Your father didn’t say much on the phone, but I know the abortion didn’t happen.”

“Yeah. I wanted more time to think through things.”

“And what have you decided?”

“I’m keeping the baby,” Zayn replies. 

They’re at Dr. Verma’s office so they go in and she shuts the door. Zayn sits down in a chair and she sits behind her desk.

“Oh...well then we can discuss prenatal care and doctors, called an OBGYN, that will be best for you since you’ll be considered a high risk pregnancy,” Dr. Verma says.

“I don’t want some doctor that’s going to make me some freak. I don’t want pictures taken of me or anything that would go in medical books or whatever.”

“Of course not. The doctor you’ll be with will be very professional and won’t try anything that you don’t want. I can look up doctors for you and give their names.”

“That would be great. Uh, my dad said you’d be able to help me with prenatal care?”

“Oh course. Well at least until you get a doctor that’ll be there for the rest of your pregnancy. You’ll need to go on prenatal vitamins. They’re sold at the pharmacy. Just take the dose the bottle says to and you’ll be good. A lot women take them even after birth. It’s good for your hair and nails.”

Zayn chuckles, “I don’t think I really care that much about my hair and nails.”

Dr. Verma smiles back at him, “You will once you see the benefits of it.”

Zayn rolls his eyes, but has a smile on his face. This is the first time in days he doesn’t feel depressed.

“What else would you like to know?” Dr. Verma asks.

“When can I have an ultrasound again? I want another picture of my baby,” Zayn asks.

“You got an ultrasound photo?”

“Yeah. I asked for one when they did one before the abortion. When I went in for my pre-surgery appointment.”

“Oh, well once you pick a doctor they’ll probably do one to make sure the baby is okay...Zayn are you going to tell the father?”

“No. He doesn’t need to know. Doesn’t deserve to know.”

“I know you feel that way, but you should at least try to talk to him. Get him to give you child support.”

“No! I can’t talk to him, don’t want to talk to him.”

Dr. Verma sighs, “Zayn, please think about it.”

“I don’t want to think about it! My parents...they’ll hate me. Hate him. I can’t tell him. Can’t have him coming around and seeing the baby. _My baby_. Not his, not ours, mine. Only mine.”

“Who was it, Zayn?”

“I’m not going to tell you. You can’t make me.”

“I won’t make you, but if I know his name we can get him arrested. He’ll go away to jail and the courts will make sure he pays for the baby. You’re only a teenager. How will you pay for this baby?”

“I-I’ll get a job.”

“And school?”

“I’ll drop out. Don’t like going anymore anyway.”

“You don’t have to drop out. Just think about it, yeah? I know it’s hard to think about, but sometimes you have to think about the bad stuff in order to get through it. I’m going to recommend you go see a psychiatrist. They’ll help you sort through everything. Being intersex isn’t easy and now that you’re pregnant it’s going to be harder. Please you need to talk to a professional about all of this.”

“I’m talking to you!”

“I’m not able to help you like a psychiatrist would. I’m only a general practice.”

Zayn stands up, “But I don’t want anyone else! You’ve been there for me since the beginning...since when I first came in and, and said I was raped.” He starts to cry.

“Zayn, have a seat, please. Calm down...come on,” Dr. Verma tells him. She comes around her desk and puts an arm around his shoulders.

Zayn cries on her shoulder and she tries to sooth him. Zayn finally calms. He wipes are his eyes and Dr. Verma hands him a box of tissues.

“I’m sorry. I-it’s the hormones.”

“That wasn’t hormones. That was you finally releasing the pain and anger that’s been building inside. I’m going to find you a psychiatrist, someone who works with rape victims and will be able to help you with everything else. I know it’ll be scary, but you need to talk to someone.”

“Why can’t I talk to you? You already know everything.”

“I told you I’m not certified to do this. I don’t have the training to help you through it all.”

Zayn sniffles, “I-I don’t know if I can talk to someone else about it.”

“I know it’ll be hard, but once you start talking to someone who is qualified to help you deal with your rape you’ll feel better. Your mental health will not just affect you, but the baby as well.”

Zayn pauses before he answers. Not only does he have to be healthy, but the baby as well, “Okay...I’ll see someone. But if I don’t like them I’m coming back to you.”

Dr. Verma sighs, “I’ll give you a list, just like for the OBGYNs. Is there anything else you want to discuss?”

Zayn shrugs, “I don’t know.”

“I have a few more minutes. Are you sure?”

Zayn thinks about it then tells her, “I was seeing someone. A boy. We broke up.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“I told him about me. About me being intersex and pregnant and stuff and he kind of freaked out when I told him I was getting an abortion.”

“Zayn, I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault. He was fine with me being intersex. Started looking stuff up and everything. Then when I said I was raped and that I was pregnant he started to get weird. When I said I was getting an abortion he freaked out. Said I shouldn’t have it. I left after that.”

“Have you talked to him since?”

“I went to school yesterday. Was suppose to be out all week after the surgery since it’s the week before Christmas hols, but I couldn’t stand being at home, so I went to school. Saw him at lunch in the library. We talked for a few minutes. He said he was sorry.”

“Well that’s good...are you going to talk to him again?”

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t write him off. He has a lot to process as well. That’s a lot of information for someone to take in one day. I’m sure things will work out.”

“Yeah...oh I told my dad that I was gay.”

“And?”

“Well my little brother kind of spilled about it because I told him I was gay a while back. Then he got mad at me and yelled at me being gay and stuff. My dad and I had a talk after I didn’t have go through with things and he asked if it was true. I said yes.”

Dr. Verma smiles, “That’s good. That’s really good. And he’s okay with it.”

“Yeah. Said he was proud of me no matter what.”

“I’m glad.”

Zayn looks at the clock and see it’s been an hour since he came, “I should go. You probably have other patients.”

“It was good to see you, Zayn. I’ll have a list of OBGYNs and psychiatrists made up and sent to you.”

“Thank you...for everything.”

“It’s problem.”

Zayn moves to her and hugs her quickly, “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did no one tell me I was spelling Trisha's name wrong? lol, all of you are fired! JK love you guys. See you next week! Getting closer to the end.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING** Rape victim blaming by the rapist. This is towards the end of the chapter, so please read with caution.

Dr. Verma is quick with a list of OBGYNs and psychiatrists for Zayn. He looks through it and goes on the internet to see if he can find anything about the doctors listed. He doesn’t find much other than their office web pages. When he calls the receptionists are cheerful and ask him for his information.

The psychiatrist is easy to get an appointment with. Dr. Lewis specializes with patients who have gender identity issues. Most of his patients are transgender, but he tells Zayn he has a few patients who are intersex or gender fluid. Zayn likes him right away and it’s easy to talk to him about what’s happening. Dr. Lewis said to Zayn he’d have to report his rape, but Zayn panicked and told him no. The doctor explained that it was the law, but Zayn countered with he wasn’t ready to talk about it. Dr. Lewis finally agreed to not talk to the police, but at the end of their first appointment Dr. Lewis gives Zayn a card to a sexual assault and rape recovery centre. Zayn tells him he doesn’t want to go, but Dr. Lewis tells him that he could benefit from talking to someone who knows more about rape than him. 

The only OBGYN that is taking patients at the moment is half an hour out of town and Zayn almost sighs with relief that he doesn’t have to worry about being seen going to her office. His appointment with Dr. Lee is schedule for December twenty ninth giving him time to enjoy Christmas.

Christmas at the Malik house is quiet. His father doesn’t have his campaign team there and with Trisha still living at her friends, the house is quiet. Zayn wakes on Christmas morning to gray clouds outside his window. He can hear Niall moving around his room. He smiles knowing that Niall has probably been up for hours waiting to go downstairs to see what presents await him. Zayn would’ve been up early as well, but being pregnant has made him tried.

Zayn stays in bed until he hears Niall’s door open. He hears Niall’s foot steps outside his door before there’s a knock and his door opens to see Niall peeking in.

“Zayn? You awake?” Niall whispers into his room.

Zayn stretches, “Yeah.”

Niall comes into his room fully and moves over to Zayn’s bed. He doesn’t ask before he’s lifting the covers and getting in next to Zayn.

“Can’t sleep?” Zayn asks.

“Been up for ages, but didn’t want to wake dad. He would’ve gotten mad.”

“Yeah, what time is it now?”

Niall moves to look for a clock, “I can’t see the clock.”

Zayn’s arm comes from under the duvet and he grabs his phone off his nightstand. The bright light of the phone screen makes his squint for a moment, “It’s eight.”

“Then we can go down?” Niall happily asks.

“Yeah. Let me go to the bathroom and wake dad.”

 

Niall quickly rips the covers off his body and races out of Zayn’s room. He stomps down the stairs and Zayn hears him crow in glee. Zayn’s thankful his father has gifts for them after everything that’s been happening over the last couple of months.

When he’s finished in the bathroom, Zayn goes to his parent’s room. The door is closed, but he can still hear his father’s snores. Opening the door he sees Yaser laying on his back, arm flung to the empty side of the bed where his mum sleeps.

Making his way over to his dad’s side of the bed Zayn stays quiet. When he’s close his shakes his father, who snorts before turning onto his side. His snores stop, but he’s still asleep.

“Dad? Come on. Wake up,” Zayn says shaking his dad’s shoulder.

Yaser grunts and looks over at Zayn, “Zayn, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, fine...it’s Christmas morning. Niall wants to open presents.”

Yaser yawns, “Course be right down.”

“Okay.”

Zayn goes down to find Niall sitting in a pile of gifts with a smile on his face, “Those all can’t be yours,” Zayn says.

Niall looks up, “They are.”

Zayn shakes his head and sits down next to him, “This one has _my_ name on it. You can’t steal my gifts.”

“Maybe it’s labeled wrong.”

Zayn laughs, “Sorry, bud, but this one is mine...oh and this one...hmm, this one is for mum.”

They both go quiet. Zayn looking down at the gift in his hand that has his mum’s name on it while Niall looks down at his hands.

“Is she going to come back?” Niall asks.

“I don’t know. Probably. Just needs time.”

“I wish I didn’t yell at her.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know but...” Niall trails off.

“Come on, no more sad thoughts. It’s Christmas! We have presents to open, and candy to eat!”

Niall cheers and goes over to his stocking. He pours the candy from inside out on the floor and picks up a chocolate popping it into his mouth and chewing loudly. Chocolate runs down his chin, but he wipes it away.

“Gross. Please close your mouth,” Zayn comments.

Niall laughs.

When Yaser comes into the living room he’s all smiles and he hugs both his sons. He lets him open all their gifts at once not caring for any order. Zayn hands his father a slim box and tells him it’s from Niall and him. Yaser opens it to find a silver watch inside. He smiles and thanks the boys hugging them close.

After presents Yaser makes the boys breakfast. It isn’t anything fancy, but they enjoy it. Niall eats quickly since he wants to play his new game he got for Xbox. When he’s done he drops his plate in the sink before racing off to his room.

“So...” Yaser says.

“Yeah,” Zayn replies.

“Um, I wanted to get you something...for the baby, but I didn’t know, uh, what to get you.”

Zayn shrugs, “It’s fine.”

“I didn’t want to say anything in front of Niall.”

“Yeah.”

“He’s still young. He won’t understand.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know how to tell him.”

“You don’t have to. It’s my life. I’ll tell him.”

“But you shouldn’t have to.”

“But I will.”

Yaser sighs, “Zayn, you’ve been through so much so far and telling your brother about things it won’t be easy. I should tell him. Let him answer all the questions he may have. I know more about it than you do.”

“And who’s fault is that?” Zayn asks. It comes out angrier than he means.

“I’m sorry...I know we should’ve talked to you about it before, but...”

“Yeah,” Zayn replies. He doesn’t have to have his father continue his sentence to know that he regrets not talking to Zayn sooner.

“Is mum coming today?” Zayn asks changing the subject.

“I haven’t talked to her. She hasn’t called to ask. Do you want her to come?”

“Not really.”

“That’s fine.”

“But I think Niall’s missing her. He asked about her before you came down for presents.”

“I’ll call her. Have him talk to her on the phone or something. Maybe arrange for her to come see him tomorrow. There isn’t much to do on boxing day. It’ll be nice to have her come over. Spend time with him.”

“Yeah, sounds great.”

“You don’t have to be here when she’s here. You can go out.”

“With who? Not like I’ve been talking to any of my friends.”

“Then it’s a good time to reconnect with them. Go see a movie or something.”

“Yeah, I don’t know. Just strange to talk to them when they don’t know that I’m pregnant. Like what do I tell them?” Zayn asks.

“You don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want to.”

“But they’ll know something’s up.”

“Then be honest. Zayn, listen, you don’t have to tell them anything if you don’t want to. They’re sixteen. It’ll be hard to understand their best mate is intersex. Hell it’s still hard for me to understand it all and I’ve been living with you for almost sixteen years.”

“I should, uh, I should go call them. Wish Louis a happy birthday. It’s a day late, but better than nothing, yeah?”

Yaser pats Zayn’s shoulder, “It’ll all be okay. Don’t stress about it.”

Zayn gets up, “I, I’m going to go call. Uh, talk to you later.”

Yaser chuckles, “Love you, _jaan_.”

* * *

Zayn stressed out about nothing because Louis is more than happy to tell him that he’s planning to out with Harry and a few other friends the next day for his birthday. They’re going to the pound cinema to see old movies for only a pound and after were going to go get dinner at the diner. Zayn agrees to meet up with them and tells Louis he’ll see them the next day.

The next day Zayn walks over to the pound cinema and is greeted with slaps on the back and a hair tussle from Harry. He smiles and greets everyone from the footie team that’s there.

“Miss you, Zayn. Team’s not the same without you,” Jack says.

“Yeah, I miss you guys too.”

“When you coming back?” Harry asks.

“I don’t know. Haven’t really felt like playing much anyway.”

“You’re are best player. You have to come back!”

“Yeah...I just don’t know when though.”

Luckily Zayn’s saved from the conversation when Jenna and Hannah come up to the group and Louis and Harry make a show of kissing them. Zayn turns away from the scene and looks over to the queue for the tickets. There, standing by himself, is Liam looking at showtimes and not paying attention to anyone around him.

Zayn’s heart doesn’t skip a beat, but it does flutter. Liam’s cheeks are pink from the cold and his beanie is covering his hair so none is sticking out.

Of course somehow Liam knows someone’s looking at him and looks Zayn’s way. He looks a little shocked to see him, but he gives Zayn a smile and waves to him. Zayn raises his hand back.

“Who you waving to?” Harry asks.

“Uh, no one...well just Liam.”

“Liam? Who’s that?”

“A friend. We, uh, we had a project together this term. Spent some time together. You know how it is.”

“What project? I don’t remember a project.”

“Just for a class. Nothing important. Drop it.”

“Does he want to join us? The more the merrier and all that.”

“Nah, he’s probably with his family or something. Don’t want to disturb him.”

“Mate, he looks like he’s alone. Let him join. Can’t be that bad if you spent time with him.”

Zayn nervously laughs, “Yeah. Not bad. Uh, I’ll, um, I’ll go ask.”

Zayn doesn’t wait for Harry’s reply and moves over to the line where Liam is. He pushes past a couple of people who grumble at him, but let him pass until he’s next to Liam.

“Hey,” Zayn says to the boy.

Liam jumps and looks at him. He gives him a small smile, “Hi, what are you doing?”

“Oh, uh, my friends and I are going to see a movie and, uh, I wanted to know if like you wanted to see something with us? I mean if you’re by yourself, but if you’re not that’s okay. Uh, I know it’s like weird to ask you and all since, well, everything’s kind of messed up and-”

Liam cuts him off, “I would love to see a movie with you. Um, what are you guys seeing?”

Zayn looks at his friends then back at Liam, “I actually have no idea.”

Liam chuckles, “Maybe you should go ask.”

“Yeah, um, sorry. I’ll just go see what we’re seeing,” Zayn leaves the line and walks back over to his friends. He quickly asks what they’re seeing and when Louis answers him he says he’ll go get everyone tickets. They thank him and give him their movie for their tickets.

Zayn walks back to Liam telling him what they’re seeing. Liam says he’s already seen the movie, but he’ll watch it again because he enjoyed it the first time.

Once everyone has their tickets they get their snacks and head into the cinema. They take up one row in the middle of the mostly empty theater. Louis kicks his feet up and pulls Hannah into him as they share popcorn and a soda.

When the movie starts Zayn feels Liam place his hand next to his on the armrest they’re sharing. Zayn moves his little finger over and hooks it with Liam’s. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Liam smile. By the end of the movie they’re fingers are laced together. Zayn lets go once the credits roll, so no one can see them.

The group leaves the cinema and heads to the diner a block away. Zayn and Liam hang back talking while the rest of the guys mess about.

“Did you enjoy the movie?” Liam asks.

“Yeah it was good. Not something I’d usually see.”

“I liked it better the second time,” Liam looks to the group before he whispers, “And holding my hand...it was okay?”

Zayn nods, “Yeah. It was nice.”

“Good.”

“Good,” Zayn says in agreement.

When they arrive at the diner it’s busy, but there are tables available that the group puts together so they can all sit together. Zayn chooses a seat on the end and Liam sits next to him. It’s by the door so the cold air catches Zayn every time it opens, but he leaves his sweater on to take some of the chill off.

Ordering takes forever and the waitress seems to get annoyed with them, but finally they all get their food and drinks to her and she leaves with a huff.

Zayn doesn’t really talk to anyone, but listens to the conversations at his table. Liam seems to be getting along with everyone and Zayn is grateful his friends have taken him into their group.

The door opens and Zayn turns to see how it is. The group is loud and at the center of them is Lance.

Zayn’s eyes go wide and he needs to leave, “Liam...I, I have to go.”

Liam turns to him, “What?”

“I...please I need to go. I have to, my dad...”

“Okay, calm down. Get your coat on. I’ll walk you home.”

“No, it’s fine. Stay.”

“Zayn, these are your friends. I don’t really know them. I’ll go with you.”

Of course Zayn isn’t lucky enough to leave without being spotted by Lance and soon he’s pulled into the older boy’s body, “Zaynie! I haven’t seen you in months! Where have you been?”

Zayn pushes out of his arms, “Not talking to you. I’m leaving.”

“Oh, come on. You don’t want to see me. How come?”

Zayn’s face grows hard and he spits out, “You know why.”

Lance’s face doesn’t change, “I don’t know what you mean. We should take this outside.”

Zayn looks at Liam, “I’ll be five minutes.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Liam asks.

“No...No just stay here. Stay warm.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah...uh, please don’t come outside.”

Liam looks at Lance then back to Zayn, “I’ll be right here.”

Zayn and Lance go outside and Zayn can see Liam watching them through the window. 

“He your little boyfriend or something?” Lance asks.

“No...what do you want?”

“Well I haven’t seen you in a while. Thought maybe you’d like to see me.”

“I don’t.”

“Oh come on. We’re best friends. Been friends for years. Why don’t you like me anymore?”

Zayn’s eyes grow tight, “You _raped_ me. You took something away from me I can never get back.”

Lance laughs, “Oh my God, Zayn, that just a bit of fun. Thought you would like it.”

“I didn’t! Why would you think I’d like have sex with you?”

“You seemed to like well enough when it was happening.”

Zayn pushes at him, but Lance doesn’t move, “I didn’t! It hurt. I told you to stop and you didn’t! And now...now I’m pregnant!”

Lance’s eyes go big, “P-pregnant, but how?”

“I have enough female parts on the inside to produce an egg and with your fucking super sperm they met and now there’s a baby.”

“B-baby. Zayn, I didn’t mean...I thought it was just a bit of fun. Nothing was suppose to happen. I’m too young to be father.”

“Like I’m any older?”

“Oh, fuck, Zayn I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Can you, is there still time for you to have an abortion? I’ll pay or whatever. I just...”

“I’m not having an abortion. I was pushed into having one a week and half ago and I couldn’t do it. After seeing the baby, _my_ baby, on the ultrasound I couldn’t go through with it. This could be my only chance to have one and...and even though it’s from you raping me I can’t let it go. I want this baby, but I don’t want you.”

“Zayn, please, just...I didn’t for this to happen. I thought-”

Zayn cuts him off, “Yeah well I didn’t think it would happen either, but it did.”

“Jesus...I, I don’t know what to do. You haven’t told anyone have you?”

“No.”

“You can’t tell anyone.”

“I wasn’t planning on it.”

“I can’t go to jail. I’m too young.”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “Little too late for that.”

“You can’t tell anyone. If you do I’ll, I’ll-”

“You’ll what?”

“I’ll say you wanted it. You can’t prove it. You came onto me. Wanting to know what it was like and...and that you begged for it.”

“No you won’t. You won’t because you won’t admit you had sex with a boy.”

Lance doesn’t have a come back. He stares at Zayn.

“I’m leaving. Don’t you fucking think about talking to me. I don’t want to see you ever again,” Zayn says. He motions for Liam to come outside and soon the other boy is there.

“Everything okay?” Liam asks Zayn.

Zayn deflates into Liam, “Take me home, please.”

Liam puts an arm around him turning them to go the way to Zayn’s home, “Was that him?”

Zayn sniffles, “Yeah...yeah that’s him.”

Liam’s arm goes tighter around Zayn. Zayn cries all the way home. Liam tells him everything will be okay. When they get to Zayn’s he asks Liam to stay. Liam agrees. They make their way upstairs into Zayn’s room and he falls onto his bed.

“Come on, let’s get your coat and shoes off,” Liam says. He gently pulls Zayn up so his coat comes off easily. He next takes off Zayn’s shoes.

Zayn curls into himself, “D-don’t leave me.”

Liam looks down at him, “Are you sure?”

“Please stay.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll stay. Don’t worry. I’ll stay,” Liam replies. He takes his shoes off placing them next to Zayn’s. His coat comes off and it’s placed on the back of the desk chair, “Can you get under the covers?”

Zayn shuffles around until the duvet is pulled up to his shoulders. Liam gets in next to him, “W-what do you want me to do?”

Zayn’s hand moves around until he finds Liam’s and pulls Liam so he’s cuddled up to his back. Liam’s arm is around Zayn’s waist hand flat against his stomach. Liam feels the slight bump, “Is that...”

“Yes,” Zayn whispers.

“Liam smiles, “It’s nice.”

Zayn pushes back into Liam and Liam holds his closer and tighter, “I’m right here. Not leaving you.”

Zayn sighs, “Thank you.”

Liam doesn’t fall asleep until he knows for sure Zayn’s asleep. Zayn’s breathe was even and his body has relaxed from the curled up position he had been in. Liam kisses his neck softly before he lets himself fall until.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if there are pound cinemas in the UK, but in the US there are dollar theaters where you can see movies that are a few months old for a dollar.
> 
> Also I would like to thank medusianAllure for pointing out that psychiatrists don't usually deal with rape/sexual assault victims. That there are sexual assault/rape recovery centres who have trained counselors/staff.


	28. Chapter 28

The next morning Zayn wakes up and is at can’t figure out why someone’s in his bed. When he looks down to see an arm wrapped around his waist he trails his eyes up to see who’s behind and he looks surprised to see Liam...until he remembers why Liam’s there.

Zayn thinks for a moment about what happened last night. He went out with friends and then Lance showed up. They argued and Lance had tried to say he wanted to have sex. Zayn had yelled back and told him he was pregnant. Shit...he had told Lance he was pregnant. He can’t have Lance in his life or in his baby’s life. He doesn’t want Lance in their lives. He ruined enough of Zayn’s life to warrant a strong reaction to not have him around.

Zayn looks over at Liam and has to smile. He stayed with Zayn when Zayn couldn’t function. He helped Zayn through it all and made sure he was taken care. Too bad he knows Liam won’t stay. Liam’s just being nice, being a friend, and once he wakes up he’ll be gone from Zayn’s life again.

Sadly though Liam’s not up before there’s a knock on the door and Yaser’s poking his head in.

“Za-oh, um, you have a visitor. Uh, I’ll have a plate ready for him at the table,” Yaser says and closes the door as quickly as he opened it.

The door slamming shut wakes Liam up. He’s blurry eyed and his hairs a mess on the pillow. He blinks a few times to clear his vision and when he sees Zayn next to him smile, “Morning, did you sleep well?”

Zayn groans, “My dad saw you.”

Liam’s smile falters, “Oh...I should go.”

“No!” Zayn shouts, “Sorry...just please stay awhile. My dad’s already fixing you a plate for breakfast. He’ll be upset if you leave without eating.”

Liam sighs, “Breakfast sounds good. Are you okay with me staying?”

“Yes. Please. Don’t want to face my dad alone.”

“Alright, I’m going to go to the bathroom. I’ll meet you downstairs.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Liam gets up and stretches. His shirt rides up showing off his stomach. Zayn enjoys the view and when Liam’s shirt goes back down he pouts to himself.

Once Liam’s gone, Zayn stretches in bed and sighs to himself. The stretch felt good after being curled up for so long. He moves over to the side of the bed to roll out, but pauses because the pillow that Liam used smells like him and Zayn can’t get enough of it. He hears Liam finish up in the bathroom and he thinks he better get a move on before his father gets to Liam.

Zayn meets the boy in the hall and he smiles at the fact that liam’s hair is curled rather than the straight he sees at school.

“What?” Liam asks shyly smiling back.

“Your hair. It’s curly.”

Liam blushes, “Yeah...I straighten it.”

“I like it curly. Don’t straighten it anymore.”

Liam blushes harder.

They walk down the stairs and into the kitchen to find Niall and Yaser already eating, “Morning,” Zayn greets.

“Morning,” Niall replies with mouth full.

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth,” Yaser warns.

Niall swallows what’s in his mouth and asks, “Why does Zayn have a friend over? I don’t get to have friends spend the night.”

“Because I don’t cause a scene,” Zayn jokes, but Niall pouts.

“I don’t cause a scene.”

“I was only joking.”

Niall pouts more. His arms crossed over his chest and his bottom lip wobbling, “Don’t joke like that. You know I don’t mean to.”

Zayn reaches over to put an arm around his younger brother, “I was only joking. I know you’re getting better,” he kisses Niall’s cheek and Niall shrinks away wiping at his face.

“Sit down,” Yaser says.

Zayn takes his usual seat while Liam sits in Trisha’s chair. They grab for the pancakes in the middle of the table and when they both reach for the syrup they nervously laugh at one another.

Niall finishes first and runs off to his room. He tells Zayn to come play with him when he’s done and Zayn agrees.

Yaser clears his throat looking at Liam. He looks at Zayn, “What did you do last night?”

“Went to the movies, then went to get dinner.”

“And it was fun?”

“Yeah it was nice to see everyone again. Haven’t had a proper hang out in a while.”

“Anything else happen?” Yaser asks looking at Liam. Liam looks down at his food.

“Uh, no. Nothing.”

“So how did Liam end up here?”

Zayn looks at Liam with wide eyes, “Uh, he walked me home and it, uh, it was late so I said he could stay. Can’t have him walking home when it’s so dark and cold out. He could have caught a cold or gotten run over or something.”

“Hmm,” Yaser grunts, “So will I be seeing more of Liam?”

Zayn looks to Liam again, “I don’t know.”

“I’d like to come over more,” Liam answers.

“And he knows about...things?” Yaser asks looking right at Zayn.

Zayn nods, “Yes. He was the one I told you about. That I said I was dating, but we broke up.”

“Are you okay with my son, Liam?” Yaser asks.

Liam’s head bobs up and down, “Yes sir. I don’t see anything wrong with him. He’s the same Zayn I knew before everything.”

“Before everything?” Yaser presses.

“Uh, before he told me about being intersex,” Liam says saving himself, “Why should things change just because he doesn’t have all normal parts a boy should have? He’s still a man even if he doesn’t look like one, uh, down there.”

“And you’ve spent time looking at my son?”

Liam blushes, “No! Sir, I no I would never.”

Yaser laughs, “It’s alright. I was sixteen once. I know how things work.”

Liam blushes more and Zayn groans out, “Daaaaad.”

Yaser laughs, “I’m only taking the piss, _jaan_.”

“Please stop talking about my sex life,” Zayn groaned as he lightly hit his head against the table.

“Zayn we have to talk about it. You’re...you know and if Liam’s going to be your boyfriend he needs to know what he’s getting into. There’s no more hiding from it.”

“I should go,” Liam says. He moves his chair, but Zayn’s hand comes up and stops him from moving.

“Stay awhile. Let me father humiliate me more in front of you.”

Yaser lets out a laugh, “I’m not trying to humiliate you. I’m only giving Liam a hard time. Isn’t that what fathers are suppose to do when their kids start dating?”

“You don’t have to be like other fathers. You can be different.”

“Oh come on. It’s only a slight ribbing. Nothing Liam can’t handle. Right Liam?” Yaser asks looking over to the boy.

Liam looks a deer in headlights. His eyes wide and his mouth hanging out, “Uh, yeah uh, nothing too harsh.”

“See, the boy’s fine!”

“Liam, you don’t have to agree him,” Zayn says looking at him.

Liam pats Zayn’s hand, “It’s fine.”

“Please, dad, stop scaring him,” Zayn whines.

Yaser huffs and rolls his eyes, “I was only playing. He’s your first boyfriend. I have to make sure he’s a good one.”

“Not my boyfriend,” Zayn mutters.

Yaser shrugs and goes back to eating, “Finish your breakfast.”

At the end of breakfast Liam makes excuses and says he has to leave and Zayn doesn’t try to stop him. They have an awkward goodbye and Liam promises to call Zayn.

Zayn closes the door on Liam and turns to see his father, “He’s nice,” Yaser says.

“Yeah.”

“Why did he walk you home?”

“We already told you. It was late.”

“The truth, Zayn.”

Zayn sighs, “Just saw someone I didn’t want to see, so he made sure I got home okay. Nothing that’s going to become a thing.”

“Next time he’s going to stay over back sure you tell me, yeah? Don’t want to walk in on you two,” Yaser replies with a wink.

* * *

Two days later Zayn’s in the car with his father driving to meet with Dr. Lee. When Zayn’s mum had come to get Niall for the day they didn’t talk. She didn’t ask about the doctor’s appointment he would be going to and he didn’t ask her how she was doing. It was all quick and quiet. Niall talked non stop to her about what he wanted to do that day as they left the house.

Now in the car, Yaser and Zayn don’t talk. The radio is on, but Zayn’s not really listen to it. He can’t stop thinking about what he’s going to talk about with the doctor. Aside from the check up he’d be getting, they would be talking about his birth plan.

When they arrive Yaser parks and tells Zayn he’ll stay in the waiting room. Zayn doesn’t argue with him. They get to the office and Zayn has to fill out paperwork since he’s a new patient. Thankfully he’s the only patient there, so no one is staring at him.

“Do you need help?” Yase asks.

Zayn looks up from the forms he’s filling out, “No, I think of got it.”

“If you need help just let me know.”

“I will.”

Once Zayn’s done he gives the forms back to the receptionist and she says the doctor will be with him shortly.

Zayn goes sit down by his dad again, “Do you, uh, do you want to come with me? See the ultrasound?”

Yaser looks up from the magazine he was pretending to read, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah...I’d like it. Easier for me to have someone there. Not so scared.”

Yaser puts his arm around him, “There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Zayn’s called back by a nurse and he and Yaser get out of their chairs moving to where the woman is standing in the doorway.

“Hello, I’m Megan. I’m going to check your weight and measure your belly to let the doctor know about where you are. It says here you’re fifteenth and half weeks along. Is that correct?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“When did you become pregnant?”

“September.”

Megan flips over her clipboard and looks at before looking back at Zayn, “That’s correct then. If you know the exact date I could tell you the due date.”

“Um, September eighth.”

Megan looks back at her calendar and smiles, “You’re due June first.”

Zayn gives her a small smile, “Cool.”

“Okay, now step on the scale,” she points to the scale next to her.

Zayn steps on the digital reading comes up. Megan records it in his chart, “Flow me to the exam room. You can lay down on the bed when we get there and pull your shirt up so I can measure how big you are.”

Zayn does just that and Megan produces a measuring tape. She puts it over Zayn’s stomach and looks down at the number before recording it, “Everything looks good. Dr. Lee will be with you in a moment.”

“Thank you,” Zayn replies.

Once the door closes Yaser moves over to Zayn, “ _Jaan_ , that date you gave the nurse...it was the day Mike and Lisa were over. Lance had come to pick them up. He went up to see you. Is he the f-father?”

Zayn looks up at his father with fear in his eyes, “Dad...baba, I, please, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“What happened? Why didn’t you tell us it was Lance?”

“Baba, not now. Please. I don’t want to talk about it,” Zayn’s tears well up.

Yaser runs a hand through his hair, “Okay, okay. Not now, but when we get home. I’ll have your mother come to. We can sit down and talk.”

Zayn just nods.

There’s a knock on the door and it opens to reveal Dr. Lee. Zayn wipes his eyes and gives her smile.

“Zayn, I’m doctor Lee. Nice to meet you,” Dr. Lee says introducing herself. They shakes hands, “And you are his father?”

Yaser moves to shake her hand, “Yes, Yaser.”

“Nice to meet you both. So getting right down to it, Zayn, I looked over your medical records. All of them from the time you were a baby to when you were scheduled to have an abortion. You have a very detailed history because of the specialists in London, which in some ways will help us along the way. But right now I want to know what you’re thinking. Have you had time to think about the birth, what you want, what you don’t want?”

“Not really.”

“Okay, that’s alright. I now things are overwhelming especially after deciding against an abortion. There are two options vaginal or caesarean section also called a c-section. Looking at your files the doctor who was going to perform your abortion noted a small vaginal opening. I would like to check that if that’s okay.”

“Yeah I guess.”

Dr. Lee gives him a reassuring smile, “Okay, I’m going to step out for a minute and you can undress from the waist down. There’s a paper sheet you can drape over yourself. Make sure you’re laying down so you’re at the end of the bed.”

Zayn nods, Dr. Lee leaves the room, and Zayn looks at Yaser, “Uh, can you turn around or something?”

“Oh, sorry yes, turning around,” Yaser says and turns so he’s back is to Zayn.

Zayn takes his shoes and socks off before his trousers and pants are next. He takes the paper sheet and places it around himself. He moves back to sit on the bed before laying down and shuffling to the down so his legs were dangling off the end.

“You can turn around again,” he says to his father.

Yaser turns around and moves over to a chair that next to the bed.

Dr. Lee comes back in and she grabs a stool to sit on. She moves so she’s in between Zayn’s legs. She takes stirrups out from the table and places them where she wants, “Place your feet here.”

Zayn does and he feels exposed. He tries to close his legs, but the stirrups are wide enough that it’s not much help.

Dr. Lee puts gloves on, “Don’t be embarrassed. I know it can feel like you’re showing everything off, but I’m trained to look at vaginas. There’s nothing that will shock me.”

Zayn takes a deep breath and moves so Dr. Lee can see everything. She moves a light around so it’s shining where she needs it.

“I’m going to use my finger to feel inside. If it’s uncomfortable tell me right away.”

Zayn looks over at his father. Yaser takes his hand, “It’ll be okay,” Yaser says.

Dr. Lees finger hurts and Zayn winces, “Please...it hurts.”

Dr. Lee’s finger is instantly gone, “Okay. I’m sorry that it hurt. But from what I just looked at and from your file I think it’ll be best if you have a c-section.”

“What would that be?” Zayn asks.

“I’d make a cut on your abdomen and would take the baby out through it. You’ll be awake through it, but will be numb from the waist down, so you won’t feel anything. It’ll be a longer recovery time, but in the end I think it would benefit you more.”

Zayn takes in all the information, “And it’s okay for the baby?”

“Yes. The baby will be protected the whole time and won’t be hurt.”

“Okay. If that’s best I want that.”

“Great. We can schedule the date you would like to have it.”

“You can schedule a c-section?”

Dr. Lee chuckles, “Yes, some women who know they are to have a c-section will schedule it on a day that works for them. Sometimes it on a special day for them or it works because they’re work schedule is busy. Other times c-sections happen because the woman can’t deliver naturally. Those are called emergency c-sections. But since you already know you will be having one you can pick the day you want and we’ll have the operating theater ready that day.”

“Oh...I don’t know about a date. Can I get back to you on that?”

“Of course. We can talk about it more at your next appointment. Now we want to do an ultrasound to check that everything is developing. While I go get the ultrasound tech and machine you can redress and lay on the bed normally,” Dr. Lee says. She moves from her seat and tosses the gloves out. She leaves the room again leaving Zayn to get dressed.

The ultrasound is quick. The ultrasound tech doesn’t see anything wrong and when asked if Zayn would like to know the gender he quickly agrees. The tech moves the wand around and smiles, “Congratulations it’s a boy!”

The tech prints out photos for Zayn and helps him get cleaned up from the gel. She congratulates him again and leaves him in the room with his father.

“Zayn, when we get home your mother will be there. Niall won’t be. The three of us are going to talk about this. No more running from it,” Yaser tells him.

Zayn hangs his head, “Okay.”

They leave the office after making an appointment to see Dr. Lee in a month’s time.

On the way home Zayn looks out the window. He fills a flutter and looks down at his stomach. It’s there again and he moves his hand to where he feels the movement. With his hand in the spot he feels a steady kick and smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medical stuff about the delivery is probably not all be correct.
> 
> I've officially hit the 50k mark which means this is now the length of a novel. This will probably end up being the longest or second longest fic I've written.


	29. Chapter 29

As promised Trisha’s car is parked in front of the house when Yaser and Zayn get home. They park in the drive and go through the back door into the kitchen to see Trisha there with a cup of tea in hand.

“You’re back,” she comments.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Zayn says and quickly makes his way upstairs to get away from his parents.

He tries to stay in the bathroom as long as possible, but he knows the longer he stays in the small room the more likely it is his parents will come up to get him. He places his hand on his stomach trying to feel the baby, but he’s not kicking anymore. Zayn frowns to himself. He wishes the baby would kick so he knows he’s not totally alone when he faces his parents.

When he returns downstairs he finds a cup of tea waiting for him. He adds milk and sugar taking a sip and looking at his mum and dad.

“Zayn,” Trisha says, “Your father told me that he believes Lance is the father of the baby. Is that true?”

Zayn sets his cup down on the table because his hands start to shake.

“Zayn, please, no more hiding,” Trisha says, “We have to discuss this. Talk to Mike and Lisa about what we’re going to do. How things are going to be.”

“I don’t want him in my life or my baby’s life.”

“Any why not? You’ve known each other your whole lives. I know it’s probably embarrassing to have a crush on your best friend, but sweetie, it happens. It’s nothing new.”

“We’re not friends anymore,” Zayn says looking up at his parents tears in his eyes.

“Oh, well sometimes friends have a falling out, but with the baby things can change. Kids change people.”

“No. I don’t want him. I don’t like him. I don’t even want to think about him!”

“What happened? Please, tell us,” Trisha begs.

Zayn sniffles tears starting to fall, “I don’t want to tell you. I can’t tell you.”

Trisha moves over to him and pulls him close, “D-did he hurt you?”

“He...he raped me. I said no, but he didn’t stop,” Zayn finally admits, but can’t say anything more because he’s sobbing.

Trisha holds him tighter, tears falling from her eyes now, “Y-yaser...”

Yaser comes over placing a hand on her shoulder and the other on Zayn, “I’m calling the police.”

“No!” Zayn yells through his crying, “Lance made me promise not to tell anyone.”

“It’s not up for discussion. He’s going to be punished for what he did.”

“Please, don’t. I-I don’t want to get him in trouble.”

“Zayn,” Trisha says pushing him to look him in the eyes, “Zayn what he did...that’s a crime. He needs to be punished. What he did to you shouldn’t happen to someone else.”

“He was drunk. He didn’t know what he was doing. It was a mistake,” Zayn says. He pleading now, “I promise not to tell. He’s not gay. It was as much of my fault as it was his.”

“No. Don’t you _ever_ think that any of this was your fault. He was the one who raped you. You said no. He shouldn’t have ever touched you,” Trisha firmly tells her son, “You are not at fault for this.”

Yaser is at the phone taking to the police. Zayn looks over at him but doesn’t hear much since he’s talking quietly to whoever he’s talking to at the station. When he hangs up he comes back over to his wife and son, “A detective is going to go over to Mike and Lisa’s to arrest Lance. I’m going to go over as well. Tell them what’s happening. Another officer will be over to talk with Zayn.”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone,” Zayn says. He wipes at his eyes.

“You have to tell your side of the story. They need to know what happened from your point of view,” Trisha says.

Zayn sighs, “I don’t know if I can talk to anyone.”

“I’ll be here with you, sweetie,” Trisha replies and runs a hand through his hair, “I want to be here for you.”

“I’ll be back soon,” Yaser says breaking the conversation up, “I’ll pick Niall up on the way home.”

“You should take him for dessert or something. I’ll call you when the police are gone. I don’t want him home when the police are still here. He’ll get upset,” Trisha tells her husband.

Yaser nods, “Okay. I love you, _jaan_.”

“Love you, _baba_ ,” Zayn replies.

Yaser kisses his head before he leaves the house to go to Mike and Lisa’s. Trisha still has an arm around Zayn, “Does Lance know? About the baby?”

Zayn looks at her, “Yeah...I saw him on boxing day. I was out with my mates and....and he came into the diner we were at. We went outside to talk and he was trying to talk me into stuff, but I got angry and yelled at him. Said he raped me and that I was pregnant. He got mad said I wanted to have sex-”

“Oh God, Zayn. I’m sorry. I should have protected you,” Trisha says pulling him back into her.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I’m suppose to protect you. You’re my child and I wasn’t there,” Trisha is crying now holding onto Zayn like her depended on it, “I’m sorry. I should’ve known.”

“I should’ve fought him off. Yelled or something,” Zayn replies.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so unsupportive about everything. I just want you to have a normal life. Be able to be a sixteen year old without the extra burden of being a parent.”

“I’ve never been normal,” Zayn says trying to lighten the mood.

Trisha lets out a small laugh, “I know. I’m sorry I’ve tried to make you normal.”

Zayn hugs her, “I love you. I know I’ve been an arse the last couple of months.”

“I’ve been the arse. I should’ve been more supportive of you. Shouldn’t have taken you to that horrible doctor in London, shouldn’t have pushed you to have an abortion...I’m sorry for not listening to you.”

Zayn gives her a sad smile, “Yeah...but I’ve survived.”

Trisha doesn’t get to answer because the doorbell rings signaling the arrival of the police. They get up from their seats and make their way to the door. Trisha opens the door and breathes a sigh of relief that there’s only one police officer there to talk to Zayn.

They move into the living room where Zayn and his mother sit on the couch and the officer across from them. The questions start out easily.

“Who is Lance and what is your relationship with him?” the officer asks. Her pen ready to take down his answer on her notepad.

“Lance is my parents’ friends’ son. We’ve know each other all our lives.”

“And have you ever had more of a relationship with him than knowing each other for your whole lives?”

“No...I’ve never liked him more than a friend.”

“Can you tell me what happened the night of your rape?”

“My parents and Lances’ parents were having dinner together...here. He came to pick up his parents, but came up to see me first. I was in bed, uh, touching myself. He came into my room, scared me. Came over and asked if I wanted a beer. I didn’t, but he gave me one anyway. I tried it but it as gross. We talked about school and if he was still seeing this girl I saw him with a while back. Then he started to cry so I hugged him. He got weird after that. Said I was more of a girl than boy. Said he wasn’t gay. That just because he liked me he wasn’t gay because...I’m intersex-”

The officer cuts him off, “Intersex?”

“Yeah, uh...I have both female and male parts.”

“Both female and male parts, what does that mean?”

Zayn looks at his mother then down at the floor before answering, “I have a penis and vagina.”

“Oh, okay...please continue.”

“Uh, I’m intersex, so it doesn’t count that he slept with boy, but I am a boy. He pushed me down on my bed. I was scared I told him to stop, but he didn’t. His hand moved to my...my crotch and he touched me. I didn’t want him to touch me. I begged for him to stop, but he didn’t. He took his pants off and his dick was hard. He pushed himself into me,” Zayn stumbles. He can’t stop the tears, “I told him to stop. It hurt...so much. Got it hurt so bad.”

“Do you need a break?” the officer asks.

Zayn shakes his, “No...No I need to finish,” he takes a breath to calm himself, “I was yelling, but he told me to stop because my parents would come up. I couldn’t move. When he was done he told me not to tell anyone. I hurt so much. There was blood...so much blood.”

“What did you do after?”

“I tried to clean myself up. I was in pain took some painkillers.”

“And did you see someone? A doctor?”

“I went to the clinic the next day. Asked for the morning after pill. The doctor gave it to me and checked me out. Gave me a stitch down there.”

“Who was the doctor?”

“Doctor Verma.”

“Did she take any samples?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t she report the rape? She is legally bound to call the police when sexual assault happens.”

“I begged her not to. Please don’t be mad at her.”

“No, no I’m not mad at her. Do you have her contact information? I would like to talk to her.”

“I have her card,” Trisha speaks up. She walks out of the room to go to her purse.

The officer turns to Zayn, “Is there anything that happened that you’re not telling me because your mother is in the room?”

Zayn shakes his head, “No.”

“Okay...is there anything else? Something I haven’t asked about?”

“I-I’m pregnant.”

The officer sits up straight, “Oh...is that normal for someone who is intersex? Is that the correct word?”

“Yeah it is...uh no it’s not normal. Most people who are intersex can’t become pregnant or get someone pregnant. I’m, uh, I’m rare.”

“Right, and you’re sure he’s the father? You haven’t had sex with someone else?”

“NO! I didn’t have sex with anyone else!”

“Okay, okay I just had to ask. We might have to do a paternity test to prove he is the father, so we know for sure he is. The test will prove the baby is his and will help you get child support.”

Trisha comes back with the card in hand, “Here you go. Sorry it took so long.”

“No problem. Thank you Mrs. Malik. I was just saying to Zayn that he should get a paternity test done, so that he can get child support from Lance.”

“Oh, well I don’t think Lance will be able to help out, but his parents might. I just feel so bad asking them after everything that’s happened. I know we’re friends, have been friends since university, but...” Trisha trails off with a sigh.

“I understand. It’s hard to think that someone so close to your family could do something like this, but most rapes and sexual assaults happen by someone the person knows.”

“Is there anything else you have to talk to Zayn about? Any more questions?” Trisha asks changing the subject.

The officer looks down at her notepad, “No I think that’s all. I’m going to give you my card. Zayn, if you remember anything else please don’t hesitate to call.”

“Thank you officer for coming,” Trisha says standing up with the woman and walking to the front door.

“Your welcome. Someone will be in contact with your family about what will happen next,” the officer replies.

“Thank you, have a nice night,” Trisha says back. She opens the door and waits until the officer is at the front gate to close the door and sighs.

Zayn comes over to his mum and hugs her. She hugs back, “It’s all going to get better now, sweetie.”

* * *

After that day things start to get slowly get better. Yaser came home with pie for everyone and once Niall was up in his room they sat down to discuss what had happened at Mike and Lisa’s home. Lance wasn’t home when Yaser and the detective arrived, so they sat down with his parents and Yaser told them what had happened. Lisa cried and said it couldn’t be true. Mike stood by his wife, but agreed to not infer with the arrest. When Lance finally arrived home he was drunk and high. The detective told him he was under arrest for rape and he started to cry. He tried to get to his mother. Begged to not be taken, but Mike told him to not fight it and to go. Lance was taken away that night and locked away until he was to be seen in court.

Yaser ended his campaign the next day. He didn’t want anything about Zayn to come out and cause more stress to him. He gave his speech in front of his supporters with his family by his side.

When school started Zayn went back for a week before he decided to be homeschooled the rest of the year since hiding his pregnancy wasn’t something that would be easy. He didn’t tell his friends, but since Liam knew he still saw him. Liam would come by after school let out and they hang out or make out depending on how Zayn felt that day.

With the police now involved in Zayn’s rape case he finally had the courage to go to the rape recovery centre. They specialized with LGBT rape victims and when Zayn walked in they welcomed him with open arms. He met with an intake counselor who listened to his story and gave him a list of groups he could attend. Zayn found one for trans people fit best for him. He told the group he was intersex and he was pregnant. They welcomed him and told him they were there for him no matter what he choices were. He even made a couple of friends from the group.

By February Zayn was showing more and more that he was pregnant. The baby kicks up a storm some days and with it comes indigestion. Since he’s showing more that he’s pregnant and not just getting fat from not playing football he finally decides he needs to tell Niall what’s going on. His parents didn’t put up a fight saying they’d be there if he or Niall needed them.

“Remember how I said I was different?” Zayn opens the conversation with the question.

“Yeah, you’re gay.”

“Well...yes but I’m also even more different than that.”

“I know.”

“Wait...what?” Zayn asks in confusion.

“I heard mum and dad arguing and when they weren’t looking I went in their room and found your medical records. I didn’t understand a lot of it, but it says you have a vagina and penis.”

“Right...”

“So it’s true than?” Niall asks.

“Yeah, yeah it is. Uh, why’d you sneak into their room?”

“Cause I wanted to know why they were so mad.”

“Oh, right...well um, the proper term is intersex.”

“Do all people who are intersex have a penis and vagina?”

“No, no there’s different types. I’m just the one that is neither male or female. Super rare and all that.”

“So are you going to become a girl than? I mean if you wanted to? Remember when we talked about people wanting to change their bits.”

“Yeah, I remember. And no I don’t want to be girl. I feel like a man. Always have.”

“So you’re still my brother? Never going to be my sister?”

“Still your brother, but with a little extra.”

“Good, I don’t think I’d want a sister.”

Zayn laughs. Niall laughs with him.

Once the laughter has died down Zayn gets serious again, “Niall...look there’s more I have to tell you, but you can’t tell anyone. Like non of your friends. Only you, mum, dad, and Liam know this.”

Niall’s eyes grow big, “I can keep a secret. Promise.”

Zayn takes a breath and releases it, “So you know that I have both girl and boy bits...well my girl bits are inside as well and something happened and I got pregnant.”

“You’re having a baby?” Niall yells.

“Yes, please don’t yell...do you have any questions?”

“But how?”

“Adult stuff that I don’t think I should tell you about.”

“I know what sex is. I’m ten,” Niall says with a roll of his eyes.

“Fine, yeah, it was sex...with someone I’m not going to name cause he’s not a nice person. So like don’t go asking about him, yeah?”

“I won’t.”

“Good...any questions?”

“Is it Liam?” Niall cheekily asks.

Zayn pulls him into a headlock, “I told you not to ask about the baby’s father!”

Niall squirms until Zayn lets him go. He’s red faced, but not angry, “I’m only joking!”

“Well don’t joke about it, yeah. Any more questions?”

“Um...is the baby going to be intersex like you?”

“Nah, I don’t think so. It’s not like a thing that gets passed down or something.”

“So it’ll be a boy or a girl? Not like you?”

“The baby is a boy. I found out a while back. That means he won’t be like me since they saw on the ultrasound that he was a he.”

“Do you have pictures? I want to see him! I’m going to be the best uncle.”

Zayn smiles, “Yeah got pictures. They’re only in black and white and it can be hard to tell what he looks like.”

Zayn takes out an ultrasound photo that he had in his pocket. It’s the latest scan and you can make out the nose and mouth. There’s even a fist. Zayn points to each while Niall looks at the photo.

“I can’t tell if he’s an alien or not.”

“He’s not an alien! He’s still growing is all.”

“His head is big.”

“He’ll grow into it.”

“What’s his name?”

“I don’t know. You got any ideas?”

“Name him Niall! After his uncle.”

Zayn laughs, “I’m not naming him after you! One Niall around here is enough.”

Once Niall is done looking at the photos of the baby he asks Zayn if he wants to play a game on the Xbox. Zayn agrees and runs after him up to Niall’s room. Niall tells him that he’s not going easy on his just because he’s pregnant and Zayn laughs telling him he’ll beat him anyway. Niall beats Zayn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, not totally sure if I got everything right about the police coming to interview Zayn. (They'd probably take him to the station) but all in all I feel really good about this chapter.
> 
> Thursday or Friday will be the last chapter.


	30. Chapter 30

February turns to March which turns to April. Through the months Zayn’s been growing in size and with it comes new problems. First the indigestion. He can’t eat any of his mum’s cooking without heartburn, which sucks because he can’t eat her samosas and he loves her samoas. Next comes the new clothes. Zayn doesn’t want to wear maternity clothes because they’re all for women anyway, so he usually walks around in sweatpants and vests that are bigger than what he normally wears. He doesn’t go out of the house unless it’s to an appointment, so no one sees him. And lastly the kicking. At first is was nice to feel the baby kicking. It made him know that his little boy was in there, alive and well. But once it started happening at night when Zayn was trying to sleep he lost the joy of feeling it.

When May comes the weather starts to turn nice. Zayn’s getting closer to his due date, which he scheduled with Dr. Lee at his second appointment with her. They had decided to make the c-section for May twenty fifth. It was the exact day Zayn would be thirty nine weeks and considered full term. Dr. Lee had wanted Zayn to go as far along in his pregnancy as possible. If he were to go into labor early they would deliver than, but for now he would be having his baby on time and at full term.

Lance’s trial had been set for the middle of June. Zayn would be recovered enough for the c-section to testify and it gave them time to get a paternity test. They wanted to have Zayn do one while pregnant, but he said no. He wasn’t that happy with a huge needle going into him to get to the baby. Lance’s lawyer had argued he was a wayward teen, who was misguided by his friends and shouldn’t be harshly punished. The judge didn’t agree and would take the case to court.

Liam was around more. He came by almost everyone after school to see how Zayn was doing. He even started to rub Zayn’s feet for him when they hurt too much for swelling.

“Liam can you get me a drink?” Zayn asks as he lounges on his bed while Liam sits at his desk pretending to do homework.

“Get it yourself.”

Zayn pouts, “But I can’t get up. My feet hurt and I’m in a somewhat comfortable position. You know how I can never find a place that’s comfortable.”

Liam sighs and rolls his eyes. He moves over to Zayn leaning over him, “Kiss me first.”

Zayn groans, but makes the effort to move up to meet Liam’s lips. Liam leans into letting it go for a few moments before he pulls away with a smile, “I’ll be back in a moment. Don’t move.”

“I won’t,” Zayn says back moving back to lay down.

When Liam gets back Zayn pulls him into the bed so they can cuddle.

“I have to do homework,” Liam whines as Zayn’s hand comes up to stroke his side.

“Do it later. Right now I want to cuddle.”

“Zayn, I’m going to fail if I don’t do my homework.”

“Please,” Zayn pouts again. His eyes go wide and his lip sticks out, “I’m pregnant and I don’t get to see you all day now that I’m homeschooled. I only get you for a few hours a day. It’s not fair.”

“I see you more than I see my own family.”

“You didn’t see much of them to begin with.”

Liam laughs, “You got me there.”

Zayn smiles and moves to kiss Liam. They have to move around to get comfortable with Zayn’s stomach in the way. They make out the best way possible, but Zayn stops them a few times because his back starts to hurt.

“Turn over and I”ll rub it for you,” Liam suggests.

“But I want to see you.”

“You’ll feel better after I rub. Promise.”

Zayn sighs, but he slowly turns over so his back is to Liam. Liam moves until he’s in a good position and starts to massage Zayn. Zayn closes his eyes and sighs with relief, “When will this stop?”

“You want me to stop?”

“No...the pain. I’m tired of not getting sleep because the baby won’t stop kicking and I can’t find a spot comfortable enough to lay in.”

“I’m sorry, love, you know if I could I would take it all away.”

Zayn grumbles, “Just something I have to live with.”

“It’ll be over soon and then you’re little bean will be here.”

Zayn turns his head to give Liam a look, “Little bean?”

Liam flushes, “Well it’s not like you have a name for him. I wanted to give him a nickname until I know his real name.”

“Mm, I kind of like it.”

“Yeah?”

“The backrub, not the nickname.”

Liam gently pushes Zayn’s shoulder, “Stop being mean! I’m not going to give you anymore massages if you’re not nice.”

“Don’t you dare stop!” Zayn says.

“Am I just a slave for you? Nothing more than someone to give you a foot or back massage when you need it?”

“No, you’re good for other stuff.”

“Yeah like what?”

“Getting me a drink or food.”

“So being your slave.”

Zayn turns over, “You’re also good for a cuddle and kiss.”

Liam smiles, “Yeah? What if I withhold a cuddle and kiss?”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

Zayn pushes himself up to sit, “But you won’t. Cause then who’s going to touch your dick? Might be real hard to go back to touching yourself after you’ve had me.”

“I wank without you.”

“Do you?” Zayn challenges.

Liam hangs his head, “No...but I will!”

Zayn lightly pushes him and Liam makes a show of falling off the bed and onto the floor. They both laugh. When Liam gets off the floor he moves back to the bed and kisses Zayn, “So you don’t care I’m calling the baby little bean?”

Zayn shrugs, “It’s not bad.”

“Do you have a better name for him?”

“I do, but you won’t find out until he’s born.”

Liam pouts, “Come on. Tell me.”

“Your pout doesn’t work on me.”

“Yes it does,” Liam pouts harder.

Zayn turns his head away, “No...I will not tell you what I’ve picked out. You’ll find out with everyone else once he’s born.”

Liam sighs, “You’re no fun.”

“You still like me though.”

“Yeah, I do.”

Zayn pulls Liam in and they go back to making out.

* * *

Zayn thankfully doesn’t go into labor before his scheduled c-section, so the morning of he’s up early go to the hospital. Trisha is coming with him while Yaser and Niall will be meeting them later. They’re up early and for a moment it takes Zayn back to when he was going to have an abortion. His mum and him getting ready to go to the hospital while the two other members of the family sleeping. Finding his mum drinking tea and having toast at the table when he comes down. It’s all familiar. This time though Zayn knows it’ll be a happier trip. He won’t be on the verge of crying and when it’s all over he’ll have his son.

When they get to the hospital Zayn’s taken to a private room on the labor and delivery wing. They make him change into a gown and put a monitor on him for the baby as well as himself.

“Just to make sure the baby isn’t in distress,” the nurse tells him, “Have you eaten today?”

“No I was told not to,” Zayn answers.

“Good. If you need something you have ice chips.”

“Oh joy.”

“Don’t worry. It won’t be long now. You’ll have your baby and a meal in no time,” the nurse jokes.

Once the nurse leaves Zayn is left to watch TV. There is only morning shows on, so he settles in to watch. His mum calls his dad to let him know which room they’re in and to let him know how things are going.

“Zayn, sweetie, did you remember clothes for going home?”

“Yes, _mum_ , it’s all in the bag.”

Trisha goes to the bag that Zayn was talking about and goes about taking stuff out and putting it around the room.

“Mum what are you doing?”

“Putting things away, making the place feel like home. You’re going to be here a couple of days so I want to make sure you’re comfortable.”

“You don’t have to do anything. It’s fine.”

“I just want you to be comfortable.”

“I will be once he’s out. My back will be grateful.”

Trisha laughs, “Just wait..you’ll have other aches from him.”

Zayn groans, “Let me just pretend I won’t be hurting.”

They talk more as they wait for Dr. Lee to come. When she does show up she’s in scrubs and has a smile on her face, “Sorry I’m late, had another delivery.”

“It’s fine,” Trisha answers for them.

“So Zayn, how are you feeling?”

“Nervous, I guess.”

“Being nervous is normal. It’s scary to be having a baby and having a c-section isn’t easy either. If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask. The nurses and I are here for you.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m going to go see if the theater is ready. You still have about an hour to go before you have your surgery. If you need anything just press the button on your bed and a nurse will come.”

“Yeah, I know the drill.”

Dr. Lee smiles, “I know, just a little refresher. Any questions while I’m here?”

Trisha speaks up, “You said someone can come in with Zayn when he’s in the theater, is that still okay?”

“Of course,” Dr. Lee replies, “One person can come in.”

“Great, Zayn any questions?” Trisha asks.

Zayn shrugs, “Nothing right now.”

“I’ll see you in a hour then. Again any questions don’t hesitate to ask,” and with that Dr. Lee is out of his room.

“I should see if I need to wear anything in the theater,” Trisha comments.

“You’re not coming with me into the theater,” Zayn replies back.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you’re not coming with me. I want dad.”

“But, sweetie...I’m the grandmother.”

“And I’m the father and I’m allowed to decide who is with me. I want dad.”

Trisha eyes turn sad. She clears her throat, “Well then...I’ll go see if he’s here,” she walks out of the room.

Zayn sighs. Of course he’d make his mum upset, but after everything his dad wa the one who stood by him through it all.

There’s a knock on the door and Zayn tells them to come in thinking it’s a nurse. It’s not. It’s Liam.

“What are you doing here?” Zayn asks in disbelief.

“I wanted to be here for you,” Liam says coming over to stand by Zayn’s bed.

“Yeah, but...you should be at school.”

“Nah, I can miss a day. Not every day my boyfriend is having a baby.”

Zayn smiles, “You haven’t called me your boyfriend before.”

Liam’s bashful, “Yeah well...you know.”

Zayn takes his hand and gives it a squeeze, “I’m glad you’re here.”

Zayn has to let go of Liam’s hand when the nurses come to get him to take him to the theater. Liam gives him a kiss and tells him he’ll see him after.

Once in the theater Zayn’s put onto a new table. He has to get numbed from the waist down which means he has to get a huge needle in his back and it hurts. A lot. He tears up from it, but once it’s done and he’s back laying on the table he starts to feel the effects and he starts to forget the pain he went through just moments ago. A nurse puts a drape up so Zayn can’t see anything from his chest down.

“Zayn, almost time!” Dr. Lee says entering the room.

“Is my dad here yet?” Zayn asks.

“He’s just getting into his scrubs. Should be here soon. Don’t worry I won’t start without him.”

Yaser of course walks in with a smile, “Zayn, _jaan >/i>, it’s time.”_

“Yeah...I’m scared.”

Yaser comes to take his hand, “No need to be scared. Everything will be okay. You’ll have your son once it’s all over.”

“All ready?” Dr. Lee asks.

“I guess,” Zayn replies.

“No need to worry. It’ll be over before you know it.”

“Dad, baba, I’m scared,” Zayn looks to his father with watery eyes.

“No, it’ll be okay. Just relax and think of what’s to come. Your son will be here and your life will start all over again. Just relax,” Yaser tells him.

“Okay, Zayn, you’re going to feel a little tugging, but things will be okay. Just breathe.”

Zayn takes a breath in and it calms him. His father holding his hand and talking to him helps.

There’s a tug and then he hears a cry.

“It’s a boy!” Dr. Lee says.

A nurse brings the baby over and Zayn sees his father crying. He starts to get teary eyed as well.

“Would you like to hold him?” the nurse asks Yaser.

“Yes, please,” Yaser replies.

She hands the baby over to him and he calms. Yaser smiles down at him, “Hello, _jaan_. Say hi to your father.”

Yaser shows him to Zayn and Zayn smiles, “Hi, little bean, hi.”

There’s a beeping and Dr. Lee calls over a nurse. The nurse comes up to Yaser, “Sir, if you give me back the baby I’ll go get him cleaned up and if you’d step out of room we can finish things up with Zayn.”

Yaser agrees. He gives the baby back and takes Zayn’s hand, “I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Yeah...okay,” Zayn says slowly. He feels tired.

* * *

Zayn wakes up back in his room with his parents by his side. He’s groggy and his throat is dry, “W-water?” he rasps out.

Trisha pours a glass of water and puts a straw in the glass. She holds it for him, “Slowly.”

Zayn sips at the water and it feels nice on his throat. When he’s finished he lays his hand back on the pillow, “What happened? Where’s my son?”

“I’m going to get Dr. Lee,” Trisha says and leaves the room.

Yaser takes Zayn’s hand in his and kisses, “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“Where’s the baby? Did something happen to him?” Zayn asks panic setting in.

“No,” Yaser answers quickly, “No, he’s fine. Resting in the nursery. He’ll be here as soon as Dr. Lee talks to you.”

Trisha comes back with the doctor. She takes his other hand.

“Zayn, it’s nice to see you’re awake,” Dr. Lee starts, “I have some bad news...you started bleeding. We tried all we could to save everything, but unfortunately we couldn’t. We had to perform an emergency hysterectomy. You’ll be unable to have anymore children. At least that you can carry. I’m so sorry.”

Zayn doesn’t cry he just sighs and accepts it, “That’s alright. I’m okay though, yeah?”

“Yes. We’ll monitor you over the next couple of days to make sure everything is fine.”

“And my son is okay?”

“Yes, healthy and sleeping.”

“Than it’s okay.”

Dr. Lee gives him a small smile, “I’m glad that we were able to save you. Even if it meant you can’t have anymore children.”

“It’s fine. Really, I wasn’t planning on becoming pregnant again.”

“Would you like to meet your son? We had to rush him out once the bleeding started.”

“Yes, bring him please.”

“I’ll have a nurse bring him. Just rest until he’s here. No heavy lifting for the next few weeks. I’ll be back to check on you in a few hours.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll go get Niall and Liam,” Yaser says stepping out of the door after the doctor.

“Are you okay? Really, sweetie. You don’t have to lie,” Trisha asks.

“I’m fine. Really. It’s not that big of a deal. It saves me from having to have the surgery later.”

“You mean...”

“Yeah...I was thinking about it.”

Trisha squeezes his hand, “You didn’t have to, you know. Could’ve gone your whole life being just fine.”

“I didn’t want to end up pregnant again. I wasn’t planning to have sex like that, but if something happened accidentally...I don’t want to risk it. Being pregnant once is more than enough. I don’t want to go through that again.”

Trisha nods in understanding, “It’s your body. Your choice.”

“Thank you.”

Yaser comes back with Niall and Liam. Liam has a teddy bear and balloon with him, “I, uh, saw it in the gift shop.”

“It’s lovely,” Zayn replies taking the bear and placing it on the bed next to him.

When the nurse comes in with the baby everyone goes quiet. The little bundle is taken from his bassinet and handed to Zayn. The nurse helps him make sure his head is supported before leaving with a reminder to press the button for help.

“He’s so little. Was I that little when I was born?” Niall asks.

“Yes. But you cried a lot,” Yaser answers.

“You were very colicy,” Trisha adds.

“What’s that mean?”

“You cried all day and all night,” Trisha explains, “There was no stopping you.”

“I didn’t get much sleep,” Zayn says.

“Will he do that?”

“I hope not,” Yaser replies.

“Does he have a name?” Liam asks, “You said you had picked one out.”

“Yeah...it’s arabic. Tarif. Means rare, uncommon.”

“It’s beautiful,” Yaser says.

“It’s fitting,” Liam adds.

Zayn smiles at him, “You like it?”

“Course I do.”

“Do you want to hold him?”

“M-me? Are you sure? Maybe your mum should have a go first.”

“No, come on. He won’t bite,” Zayn says. He holds Tarif out to Liam.

Liam looks nervous and takes him carefully. Tarif grunts but settles once Liam’s got a hold on him. Liam rocks the baby a little as he looks down at him, “He looks like you.”

“He looks like a lizard,” Niall comments.

“Niall!” Trisha says scolding him.

“What? It’s true!”

“Niall, come on let’s go get some food. Zayn must be starved,” Yaser says taking his son out of the room before there could be an argument.

“I’m going to get more water,” Trisha says making an excuse to leave as well. She doesn’t even take the pitcher with her.

Zayn watches Liam coo at Tarif. He smiles at the scene, “You’re good with him.”

Liam looks up, “Nah, he’s just sleeping. Probably will hate me once he’s awake.”

“Don’t say that. He’ll like you. You’ve done a lot for us.”

“I’ll be the cool uncle.”

“Or dad...I mean not like on the birth certificate or anything and you don’t have to pay for anything, but like you’re going to be in his life and since we’re dating and stuff I thought maybe you could be dad or papa or whatever.”

“What about Lance?”

“He’s only going to be named on the certificate, so I can get support. He’s not going to be in Tarif’s life ever. I don’t want him to be. Not after everything.”

“But like what if we break up?”

“You’ll still be in his life. I want you in his life. You can be uncle Liam if you want. I just thought maybe you’d like a better title.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Yeah.”

Tarif decides he wants in on the conversation and whimpers. Liam rocks him, but he doesn’t want that and starts to cry. Liam gives Zayn a panicked look. Zayn motions for him to give Tarif back and Liam does. Zayn coos and strokes his cheek until he calms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh...the end. Sorry not sorry for the sort of cliffhanger. 
> 
> For those wondering Tarif does mean rare, uncommon. I have him the full name Tarif Haydar Malik. Haydar is just one of many names that means lion. I felt that Zayn would give him a middle name that is strong. So basically his name is rare lion. Hope you like it.
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who's read this from day 1 (or whatever day you started). I couldn't have done this without all of you. I can't believe I made this into a 30 chapter story that took 3 1/2ish months to write. To date this will be the longest fic I've written. Thank you to all who have commented. If I didn't reply back it doesn't mean I didn't see it. I did see it just didn't have anything good to write back. Like I said before go pick up the book by the same name _Golden Boy_ by Abigail Tarttelin. It's in paperback now! Or if you want to get a used copy in good condition check out Better World Books. It's one a site where you buy a book and they donate one. Super cool and you can get great deals.
> 
> If you or someone know has been raped or sexually assaulted you can talk to someone.
> 
> US: 1.800.656.HOPE or [rainn.org](http://rainn.org)  
> UK: 0808 802 9999 or <http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/>


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